I was born to survive.
I find solitude in writing here. Everyone on LJ does, and I will tell you why. NOBODY READ IT! Nobody ever read anything that I had ever written here, yet I continued to do it anyway. Something keeps calling me back, even though there's no point to it anymore. I'll never have all of the answers you are looking for, cause something it's not answers you seek, but solutions, and nobody cares about my solutions.
Theorem 16: Addiction has no cure... not completely.
I've discovered that some things are a part of who I am. No matter how much I've tried to isolate material things from my immaterial mind, the wicked subconscious that plagues my dreams constantly finds a way to drive me back into darkness. I shall elaborate further.
I had a HUGE crush on this girl I used to work with, and I'm pretty certain now that she knew that too. At the time, I was unaware of how aware other people were, and every action to move toward here was inevitably predictable and foreseen, therefore it was thwarted by those who hated my involvement with her. A year after I first stopped talking to her, I was aware of most of this. Many years now, I have become aware to the fact that even she new my game, and was part of the other team.
So this asks the question: Why did I keep going back to her?
Simple Answer: Because I wanted answers. I kept replaying memories in my head that were used to convince me that she liked me. At the time, they were true, and I was the closest thing to a friend she had. Problem was, I was afraid of being her friend that I tried to hard to become more. This was my downfall, and the reason I am here now.
Looking back today, I can honestly say that I would go back to her if I were ever given the opportunity. Every scenario, I would always say yes. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm that much of a loser that I constantly dream of the impossible.
This was my though process about 2 weeks ago...
Which brings me to today: It's been 2 weeks since I finally deleted her number from my phone. I have no reason to call her anymore. I doubt she would answer anyway, since she's way too busy to have me on her mind. The only thing that can bring us back is a coincidental encounter....
....and that's what I'm counting on. Cause either way, I win. If I move on and try to find someone new, then fate will lend it's hand and push me into the right direction. There are so many opportunities I have missed out on because I was obsessing over this girl. It's time for me to move onward.
"I'm on the right track."
Theorem 16: Addiction has no cure... not completely.
I've discovered that some things are a part of who I am. No matter how much I've tried to isolate material things from my immaterial mind, the wicked subconscious that plagues my dreams constantly finds a way to drive me back into darkness. I shall elaborate further.
I had a HUGE crush on this girl I used to work with, and I'm pretty certain now that she knew that too. At the time, I was unaware of how aware other people were, and every action to move toward here was inevitably predictable and foreseen, therefore it was thwarted by those who hated my involvement with her. A year after I first stopped talking to her, I was aware of most of this. Many years now, I have become aware to the fact that even she new my game, and was part of the other team.
So this asks the question: Why did I keep going back to her?
Simple Answer: Because I wanted answers. I kept replaying memories in my head that were used to convince me that she liked me. At the time, they were true, and I was the closest thing to a friend she had. Problem was, I was afraid of being her friend that I tried to hard to become more. This was my downfall, and the reason I am here now.
Looking back today, I can honestly say that I would go back to her if I were ever given the opportunity. Every scenario, I would always say yes. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm that much of a loser that I constantly dream of the impossible.
This was my though process about 2 weeks ago...
Which brings me to today: It's been 2 weeks since I finally deleted her number from my phone. I have no reason to call her anymore. I doubt she would answer anyway, since she's way too busy to have me on her mind. The only thing that can bring us back is a coincidental encounter....
....and that's what I'm counting on. Cause either way, I win. If I move on and try to find someone new, then fate will lend it's hand and push me into the right direction. There are so many opportunities I have missed out on because I was obsessing over this girl. It's time for me to move onward.
"I'm on the right track."