(no subject)
Today has been strange. I've been walking almost normally- ie, no crutches, no splint. I'm limping, yeah, but I'm walking. I know that a lot of that has to do with the diclofenac I was prescribed, as well as the demerol I have stashed up here with me that I'm taking.
If one person says another thing to me about how stupid that is, I'll snap. I may be stupid enough to do it, but I'm not stupid enough to not know the risks involved. So please, if you would, kindly fuck off about my self medicating. And don't tell my this is going to make my knee worse. Excepting being confined to crutches/a cane/a wheelchair for the rest of my life, there is no worse right now.
I didn't wnat to think about it yesterday. I don't think O'Keefe or my dad did either, which is why nothing direct was said. But basically, one of two things is happening right now.
1) I have fragments of bone in my knee that are making it so painful. What that means: I'll have an arthoscopic operation to remove any and all fragments, clear out scar tissue, shave at the kneecap more, and generally clean up the soft tissue and the bones in my knee. This is the better of the two possibilities, because it is a problem that can be addressed and more or less taken care of, by way of surgery and therapy.
2) There are no bone fragments in my knee. It is simply badly inflamed and holding fluid and blood inside itself. This is the worse of the two options, because there's nothing that we can do that hasn't already been done. We could go in and address some of the symptoms- shaving of the patella for chondromylacia, pulling out scar tissue, draining fluid, repairing any damaged vessels, etc. But therapy can do nothing by strengthen and stabilize. Surgery, as shown by the return of everything recently that was supposedly addressed last time, will do nothing by leave my needing another one in a few years. What this means: Running, jumping, kicking, weight lifting, and all things involving those are out. I was simply running back in August when this all started, and not exactly even running hard. The "injuries" recently have simply been the symptoms being irritated by activity. So, basically, this one means I am pretty much completely fucked. I can, ironically and fortunately enough, continue to race, as, in actuality, there isn't a whole lot of pressure exuded on the knee or the surrounding muscles most of the time; the problems with knees involving racing come, unsurprisingly, from accidents, and most often from training.
I was trying to avoid it for a while yesterday. I didn't want to think about it, because, well, it hurts. O'Keefe said, flat out, that he doesn't think there are bone fragments in my knee. Which leaves me with door number two. I can, technically, continue with anything I want, but the probability of me damaging my entire leg, and possibly requiring a knee replacement, are incredibly high. I have, in short, completely and totally fucked up the rest of my life when it comes to physical ability. I always knew i'd have problems with my knees, as I inherited from my dad and grandfather. But even they don't have this much trouble.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be the kid that blew it all in high school and college. I don't want to have to face the fact that I really just can't hack it in a lot of things. ROTC, soccer, rubgy... none of it. I hate running just to run, but so much of what I love requires it. I don't want to lose things. Some of this has been a part of my life for 18 years. I can't remember hwen soccer wasn't a part of my life, when I wasn't playing, even if it was just pickup matches in parking lots. Now that could be gone forever.
i'm only 18. I'm still a kid. I'm supposed to live for another 60 knowing that I was born with a slim chance, and blew it by trying too hard to prove myself over the years? This tops almost everything i've ever done when it comes to fucking up. This isn't something that's going to get better. This is forever.
Congratulations, Jenn, you were right. I finally killed it. Happy now? Three years of listening to the same hwining from me, and you'll never have to hear it again. Happy now?