(no subject)
So i just realized i have a problem communicating. I dont know what it is but lately i just feel so.......i cant even think of the word.
See what i mean?
Im kinda confused right now, i have no clue where my life is going, and i feel so stagnant. I mean im happy, im really enjoying this new crew of friends and i feel like im actually doing something more productive then sitting at home and playing world of warcraft. But then again i feel like its just patying etc.
Im sitting at Dae-Dae's and everyone is laughing and having a good time, but i just feel like i cant kick in with what there talking about you know what i mean?
Its wierd only hanging out with this kids who have known eachother for years and i come in and its wierd when they are all telling there inside jokes, and i just smile and nod. I know im ranting, i think im gonna make this private, i think this is the most ive ever typed in my livejournal before but im enjoying myself just ranting and letting the sounds of the keys almost lul me into a wierd trance...whats it called? ambience i think?
by the way, most of these questions are extremley rhetorical and im just typing whatever comes into my head. I wish i could write well, like make a coherent story, cause i think my dream is to become and author. I have all these ideas but i dont know what im going to do with them, i feel like there rotting inside my brain going to waste.
Lalalalalala, more shit to just talk about, i like typing, this is 'prolley really wierd because im not making any sense, but in my head its fucking perfect. I like typing, its soo soothing in wierd way, you know what i mean???
I really dont want to be succesful, so im confused as to where im going to go right now... I kinda want to be a bumb, i think that sounds exciting, but then again im do image consious to let myself be grungy and ucky like that, and plus, im not an alchoholic.
Oh, i just remeberd, im going to be getting the oprotunity to move to sweden, my aunt who just "quit" her job (she hates the word retired, makes her feel old haha) is extremely lonely and wants someone to take care of, and that person is me.
Its insane, she would pretty much do anything i wanted etc because shes pretty well off. But i went and visited there a while ago, and i got extremely home sick, so i dont know how great it would be living there indefffinently. Remeber washington? i think i might have been scared off from moving far from home just because of that expierence. and plus, learning a new languange would take forever...but it would be sooo amazing. I have no clue what im typing about right now, i feel extremely dispondent, and i just want to feel like im doing something mechanic. Doing something that makes me look and feel normal again.
normal
i wish i could be "normal" or as great as we can describe that word. Like the american normal. like not gay.
i talked to joey today about how i didnt want to be gay anymore, just cause i want to be able to walk up to someone im intrested in without the wierdness that follows when you dont know. Like i was telling joey, i just want to walk up to someone and say "hey...im chris! you?" you know?
and i just cant stand obviously gay people, they get to me, i dont know why! Why!? they just urk, so it makes my situation extremely wierd.
Also, im still super uncomfortable around "gay" people. they make me uncomfy. i feel like i cant take a man serious when he is talking like a girl. no matter how cute you are, so then i end up with the shit end of a stick. i think im gonna write a poem. i feel creative. i wonder if any of this is coherent? if any of it makes sense. this is pretty much what is going through my head.. welcome everyone....welcome to my thoughts... wow, ive been typing for a while. wow, it also 4:05 in the fucking morning, and im not the slightest bit tired.....
so here goes a shitty poem....
I think i want the abstract
i think i want the unkown.
i want to loose my mind.
im gonna try and get lost
some substance
some else where.
something that makes me feel like something.
something that changes the world.
even if its only in my little mind.
i kissed a mouse on the cheek,
i told him
"just cause your small, doesnt mean you arent gonna be big one day"
Two suns sets and three lines later i went to get a bowl of cereal,
and there he was,
scewered through the chest by the needle that stick out of mouse traps.
He was still alive and he looked at me and he told me,
"fuck"
so i laughed at him.
I always wanted to paint, i always wanted to write, so i took a tube of paint
and drew myself a picture, it was nothing coherent, extremly abstract but so boring..
you started to stare at it. you said it was great.
fuck your dilusions of granduer.
See what i mean?
Im kinda confused right now, i have no clue where my life is going, and i feel so stagnant. I mean im happy, im really enjoying this new crew of friends and i feel like im actually doing something more productive then sitting at home and playing world of warcraft. But then again i feel like its just patying etc.
Im sitting at Dae-Dae's and everyone is laughing and having a good time, but i just feel like i cant kick in with what there talking about you know what i mean?
Its wierd only hanging out with this kids who have known eachother for years and i come in and its wierd when they are all telling there inside jokes, and i just smile and nod. I know im ranting, i think im gonna make this private, i think this is the most ive ever typed in my livejournal before but im enjoying myself just ranting and letting the sounds of the keys almost lul me into a wierd trance...whats it called? ambience i think?
by the way, most of these questions are extremley rhetorical and im just typing whatever comes into my head. I wish i could write well, like make a coherent story, cause i think my dream is to become and author. I have all these ideas but i dont know what im going to do with them, i feel like there rotting inside my brain going to waste.
Lalalalalala, more shit to just talk about, i like typing, this is 'prolley really wierd because im not making any sense, but in my head its fucking perfect. I like typing, its soo soothing in wierd way, you know what i mean???
I really dont want to be succesful, so im confused as to where im going to go right now... I kinda want to be a bumb, i think that sounds exciting, but then again im do image consious to let myself be grungy and ucky like that, and plus, im not an alchoholic.
Oh, i just remeberd, im going to be getting the oprotunity to move to sweden, my aunt who just "quit" her job (she hates the word retired, makes her feel old haha) is extremely lonely and wants someone to take care of, and that person is me.
Its insane, she would pretty much do anything i wanted etc because shes pretty well off. But i went and visited there a while ago, and i got extremely home sick, so i dont know how great it would be living there indefffinently. Remeber washington? i think i might have been scared off from moving far from home just because of that expierence. and plus, learning a new languange would take forever...but it would be sooo amazing. I have no clue what im typing about right now, i feel extremely dispondent, and i just want to feel like im doing something mechanic. Doing something that makes me look and feel normal again.
normal
i wish i could be "normal" or as great as we can describe that word. Like the american normal. like not gay.
i talked to joey today about how i didnt want to be gay anymore, just cause i want to be able to walk up to someone im intrested in without the wierdness that follows when you dont know. Like i was telling joey, i just want to walk up to someone and say "hey...im chris! you?" you know?
and i just cant stand obviously gay people, they get to me, i dont know why! Why!? they just urk, so it makes my situation extremely wierd.
Also, im still super uncomfortable around "gay" people. they make me uncomfy. i feel like i cant take a man serious when he is talking like a girl. no matter how cute you are, so then i end up with the shit end of a stick. i think im gonna write a poem. i feel creative. i wonder if any of this is coherent? if any of it makes sense. this is pretty much what is going through my head.. welcome everyone....welcome to my thoughts... wow, ive been typing for a while. wow, it also 4:05 in the fucking morning, and im not the slightest bit tired.....
so here goes a shitty poem....
I think i want the abstract
i think i want the unkown.
i want to loose my mind.
im gonna try and get lost
some substance
some else where.
something that makes me feel like something.
something that changes the world.
even if its only in my little mind.
i kissed a mouse on the cheek,
i told him
"just cause your small, doesnt mean you arent gonna be big one day"
Two suns sets and three lines later i went to get a bowl of cereal,
and there he was,
scewered through the chest by the needle that stick out of mouse traps.
He was still alive and he looked at me and he told me,
"fuck"
so i laughed at him.
I always wanted to paint, i always wanted to write, so i took a tube of paint
and drew myself a picture, it was nothing coherent, extremly abstract but so boring..
you started to stare at it. you said it was great.
fuck your dilusions of granduer.