Pass the time...
Or let it pass me by. (unedited thoughts of the now)
So many thoughts swirling in the confines and open spaces. I need to move. Be it across town or across the country. I need a space to truely call my own. At the same time.. I realize that part of this thought wave has to do with motivation. I should be able to motivate myself here.. but.. I fucking can't. I have paint downstairs. Canvas. I did manage to make a few light switch plates... but christ if I don't keep spending money on other shit, instead of saving up for a new camera or computer that can actually handle running photoshop. I think I've reached my low, in regards to productivity. I sit here after work. Sit. Listen to the same music as the day prior. Drink the same beer. Stare at the same screen. Sit and think about how I should be doing something else. And you know.. it boils down to basic depression. I'm getting myself to another point of total reclusion (I think I coined a new one on that). I'm starting to get aggrivated at work. Eagerly seeking solitude. Listening to a lot more depressing music. Drinking.. yeah.. by myself. It's a cycle with me. I recognize it for what it is, but stopping it is another story. Or maybe I just realize it is a cycle.. a phase of the moon. And it's easier to just let it pass than try to stop it in it's tracks. Motivation. So.. my boss has this apartment that opens up on the 1st. I could take it then, but I told him I'd at least want a month. I haven't even been inside it. It would be a good opportunity, also. I could live there for as long as I'd like. Or short. I don't think that is going to make my sister too happy, but.. this isn't happy. Babbling in a live journal. Do I want to move there, though? Not really. I'd rather move, move. It's a substitute. Will it suffice? Time will be the judge of that. Life really is worthless.. It's just worthless in a way where it shouldn't fucking matter. Why does it matter? I find that a bit amusing.
So many thoughts swirling in the confines and open spaces. I need to move. Be it across town or across the country. I need a space to truely call my own. At the same time.. I realize that part of this thought wave has to do with motivation. I should be able to motivate myself here.. but.. I fucking can't. I have paint downstairs. Canvas. I did manage to make a few light switch plates... but christ if I don't keep spending money on other shit, instead of saving up for a new camera or computer that can actually handle running photoshop. I think I've reached my low, in regards to productivity. I sit here after work. Sit. Listen to the same music as the day prior. Drink the same beer. Stare at the same screen. Sit and think about how I should be doing something else. And you know.. it boils down to basic depression. I'm getting myself to another point of total reclusion (I think I coined a new one on that). I'm starting to get aggrivated at work. Eagerly seeking solitude. Listening to a lot more depressing music. Drinking.. yeah.. by myself. It's a cycle with me. I recognize it for what it is, but stopping it is another story. Or maybe I just realize it is a cycle.. a phase of the moon. And it's easier to just let it pass than try to stop it in it's tracks. Motivation. So.. my boss has this apartment that opens up on the 1st. I could take it then, but I told him I'd at least want a month. I haven't even been inside it. It would be a good opportunity, also. I could live there for as long as I'd like. Or short. I don't think that is going to make my sister too happy, but.. this isn't happy. Babbling in a live journal. Do I want to move there, though? Not really. I'd rather move, move. It's a substitute. Will it suffice? Time will be the judge of that. Life really is worthless.. It's just worthless in a way where it shouldn't fucking matter. Why does it matter? I find that a bit amusing.