Two Fics in the Price of One :[XXXHolic] & [Naruto]:
Title: When Horror Films Go Wrong…
Author: Susan22 (FanFiction); Nightingale-r3 (LiveJournal)
Beta-Reader: Mirror and Image (FanFiction)
Rating: I only have two: R and not R - this is not R.
Genre: Crack (AU)
Summery: so I had this idea after reading a lot of Itachi/Naruto fics: what would happen in if I put this pairing (and later on, my all time favorite pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki so go check it out), in the moment when the victim (which is usually a virgin) in the horror movies, have no choice but confront the killer? Since I don't write horror fics and rarely watch horror movies I ended up with this…
When Horror Films Go Wrong…
Naruto & Itachi
He tiptoed as fast as he could; there were way too many doors in the hallway that refused to open up! He needed to hide before he'd find him - all he needed was one door to open up and perhaps a phone that would work. So far, all phones proved to be either broken or out of order. He could hear those heavy steps creeping up the stairs. He was coming for him and if he couldn't find a place to hide he was done for! Well, not completely... he still has his secret weapon! Though he might have to keep his secret weapon for another time as, finally, a door seemed to open for him! He crept into the room and closed the door just as he saw him turn into the hallway.
The room was actually a large bedroom, with a king side bed which took most of the room in the bedroom. He was thinking about whether he should hide beneath the bed or maybe try jumping through the window (although the fact he was four stories up kind made the first choice seem better).
Just as he was going to hide under the bed, the door opened up and there he was - he'd come for him, Itachi was going to kill him! But Naruto wasn't going to give up! No that wasn't his style, so even though he hoped he wouldn't have to use his secret weapon it was time:
"You can't kill me, I'm a virgin!"
True it was one of the few rules that all killers learned, never kill the virgin. Despite being a known genius, Itachi still couldn't figure out why this rule was ever formed but he wasn't going to be the first one to break that rule - he would be a laughingstock at the Annual Killers Meeting if he'd killed him! However Itachi wasn't a genius for nothing and couldn't help smirking as he replied to the blond:
"I can fix that problem for you"
If there was anyone who was still alive in the house, he would probably have heard a blood chilling scream which oddly enough change shortly into… moans?
Omake:
"…and that how Mommy met Daddy."
It had been ten years since that day and Naruto was tucking his two nine years old twin girls in bed; after that night Itachi and himself found out they quite like being together (aka having sex) and thus began their courting period which consisted of Itachi wooing Naruto by kidnapping him to a hidden house and giving lots and lots of attention (i.e. sex). Soon Itachi and Naruto had discovered that Naruto was able to produce children, a medical miracle that would have made him famous if he wasn't in hiding; Itachi coming from a traditional family (that is when he had one before he killed them all except his baby brother - but that’s another story….), had insisted that they'd get married. They were very lucky for the internet and for Hidan (a member of the Killers Association which Itachi has been familiar with) who graciously agreed to perform the ceremony. And there he was nine years later married with children.
Sure he wasn't able to contact his family and most of his friends were dead - but he had finally found his happiness and that was all due to Itachi; he knew that deep in their hearts they would be happy for him once they looked over the fact that his beloved was a killer. Because really deep down inside Itachi was a loving husband who gave him plenty of attention and affection; a wonderful father the girls adored, after all he spend so much time teaching their girls how to protect themselves with weaponry lessons - they already could cut down a men with a packet knife. Itachi was very proud of them and took them to ice-cream as reward, of course he had to kill the ice-cream vender but really it was his fault! Was it really necessary to ask the girls what they wanted to be when they grow up? And even though he lost a family he gained a new one with the Killers Association, a whole family who would kill anyone who would harm his little family.
All in all life was looking up for Naruto.
Watanuki & Doumeki
He tiptoed as quietly as he could; it wasn't fair! Just when he finally managed to get away from all the spirits that came after him and now this! He had to get away before he'd get him. There were way too many doors in the hallway that refused to open up - he blamed Yuuko. It was her shop! He needed to hide before he'd find him - all he needed was one door to open. Just one, it wasn't much to ask! He could hear those heavy steps creeping up the stairs; that guy was coming for him and if he couldn't find a place to hide he was done for. Well, not completely... He still has his secret weapon! Though he might have to keep his secret weapon for another time as, finally, a door seemed to have mercy on him and open up just in time for that guy to enter the hallway. The room was actually a large bedroom with a king side bed which took most of the room. He been thinking about hiding beneath the bed when the door opened up and there he was - he had come for him, Doumeki was going to kill him! But Watanuki wasn't going to give up! No, that wasn't his style; he would not surrender to that bastard! Plus his mind was made up; no force in the world would make him leave the room, no he was…
"I wan…"
He really didn't want to do it, but the secret weapon had to be used or he'll be done for:
"You can't kill me, I'm a virgin!"
"…"
"See! There - you can't kill me, behold the wonderful power of Watanuki-sama! Now I didn't want to do it but if you'll stand aside I might show mercy, since I, the great Watanuki-sama..."
Suddenly Watanuki noticed that the oaf had a strange look; he was smirking! How dare him to smirk at him! And why was he advancing? Didn't he hear what he had said to him? He was beginning to get very close, another inch and he would practically feel his breath on him! Just as he was going to use his secret, well not-so secret weapon, again he heard or to be more precise felt, Doumeki saying:
"I can fix that problem for you."
And before he could ask what kind of problem his going to fix, all Watanuki could feel was a pair of lips on him and the last thought he had was that he was done for…
Strangely enough, he didn't seem to mind, if that was dying he didn't mind dying a few times.