i'm learning how to smile when i feel sad
You know, I really wish someone was here to talk to me. No, I don't mean here - Kat and her girlfriend are next door, and there's people downstairs who I could all talk to, I suppose, if I wanted to break up the good times. No, I mean I wish you were here (meaning anyone who's reading this). It's a stressful time of the year, and I think everyone always being upset around me is starting to break me down. And those damn punks. And Cary's damn self-centered ness. It all brings me down. So here I am, up in my room, while a party is happening downstairs. And a good type of party - the kind of party I like. But part of me doesn't want to be there...yet again I'm not doing anything up here either. I like to think if you were here, you'd tell me I might as well enjoy some company while I can...soon enough you'll have plenty of lonely nights where you wished you didn't spend all this time avoiding spending time with your friends. I suppose I feel like thats what someone would tell me if there was someone here to look after me. But there isn't, really. I have to take care of myself somehow. And its hard when whats probably good for me is the very opposite of what i feel like doing.
I think I'll wander downstairs now...enjoy what I can, while I can. Things are just dismal all around right now, I think. But things'll get better, I know. i've just got to keep moving...and maybe one day I won't walk alone.
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so i watched a movie with my friends, and laughs were abound. but i still feel really down. people always ask for a reason, and i don't have one. i don't know. i'm weird. a little messed up. i've never really been important to anyone, and i think part of me needs to stay that way. its a comforting loneliness. i'm no one's little girl. i'm no one's best friend. i'm no one's lover. i'm just me...its not that im afraid of getting close to people, but more of thats a role I can't fill. i just don't have that personality, its not me. a lot of people comment on how hard it must be to work so much, between a job and school. truth is, i couldn't do that if i had people in my life. it just wouldn't happen. but i can deal with it on my own, somehow i guess its easier. i fight my demons by myself. its somehow more simpler, because as complicated as i am, i don't have to worry about others on top of myself. i guess. its hard, i'm going to be blunt. i sometimes struggle to hold myself together...but maybe that's not a bad thing. i never f ully break down, i just am in a rut sometimes. like now. i know i'm depressed - i can feel the change in my behaviour. but its not a bad thing. i don't listen to that sweet voice trying to lead me to death...i know its tricks. but its still comfortable, somehow, to just sink, sometimes. it has its uses too...sometimes i can endure a lot more than i would normally. i sleep a lot less, and then i sleep a lot more. i can easily pull all nighters when im asleep...i can easily pull of physical things, because in some ways, a physical pain is better than an emotional pain. i know its not good - but its not completely without merit. this is something that i don't think most people could understand...to stare directly at the darkness, fully aware of all it is, and find a way to use it.
this is really me just reflecting on me...trying to figure out what this sadness is. i know its good and bad. i know its hurtful in nature. but i know its part of me, and i don't think that'll ever change. there will always be that darkness in my heart, and no amount of light can fully shield me from it. and i think ...that i'm okay with that. but maybe its something i need to keep to myself.
I think I'll wander downstairs now...enjoy what I can, while I can. Things are just dismal all around right now, I think. But things'll get better, I know. i've just got to keep moving...and maybe one day I won't walk alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so i watched a movie with my friends, and laughs were abound. but i still feel really down. people always ask for a reason, and i don't have one. i don't know. i'm weird. a little messed up. i've never really been important to anyone, and i think part of me needs to stay that way. its a comforting loneliness. i'm no one's little girl. i'm no one's best friend. i'm no one's lover. i'm just me...its not that im afraid of getting close to people, but more of thats a role I can't fill. i just don't have that personality, its not me. a lot of people comment on how hard it must be to work so much, between a job and school. truth is, i couldn't do that if i had people in my life. it just wouldn't happen. but i can deal with it on my own, somehow i guess its easier. i fight my demons by myself. its somehow more simpler, because as complicated as i am, i don't have to worry about others on top of myself. i guess. its hard, i'm going to be blunt. i sometimes struggle to hold myself together...but maybe that's not a bad thing. i never f ully break down, i just am in a rut sometimes. like now. i know i'm depressed - i can feel the change in my behaviour. but its not a bad thing. i don't listen to that sweet voice trying to lead me to death...i know its tricks. but its still comfortable, somehow, to just sink, sometimes. it has its uses too...sometimes i can endure a lot more than i would normally. i sleep a lot less, and then i sleep a lot more. i can easily pull all nighters when im asleep...i can easily pull of physical things, because in some ways, a physical pain is better than an emotional pain. i know its not good - but its not completely without merit. this is something that i don't think most people could understand...to stare directly at the darkness, fully aware of all it is, and find a way to use it.
this is really me just reflecting on me...trying to figure out what this sadness is. i know its good and bad. i know its hurtful in nature. but i know its part of me, and i don't think that'll ever change. there will always be that darkness in my heart, and no amount of light can fully shield me from it. and i think ...that i'm okay with that. but maybe its something i need to keep to myself.