(no subject)
I, Amy Dryden, have a problem.
Yeah, it's been a slow realization, it took an awful long time for this to sink in. For a long while (aka years) I thought it was just a stage, a little teenager thing that would go away once I got away from the angst ridden halls of high school, and of my house/family. But it hasn't. This isn't about being emo, or full of angst, or a cry out for sympathy. This is just me talking about...me. It has to do with how I deal with things, and how I don't. I don't think things through, and when I do, I only think them through from the wrong angle - the pessistimistic angle. It's funny how quickly we rebuke when someone else critizes and judges us, but when we do it to ourselves, we just accept it. I'm terribly guilty of that. If you told me since I failed a test, I'm going no where in life, I would laugh at you, and tell you about all the reasons I'm going someplace in my life, and prove you wrong. Yet when I accuse myself of going no where in life, I just accept that. I give up when things go wrong, far too easily. I take on more guilt than I should - I blame myself for things that I am not in fault for. I catastrophize. I make things worse than they actually are. I presume the absolute worse will happen. And worst of all, I take what happens as it always being an unchangable, permenent flaw in myself that will never be better, so I give up and don't even try to better myself or my situation. All of this is automatic.
I can't lie to myself anymore; I have been fighting depression for most of my life. That's a fact. Another fact is I've come along way, and I've gotten a lot better. I used to walk around in a state of always being miserable, always thinking the absolute worse of myself, and finding no joy in absolutely anything. The world was a beige blur, no colour, no feeling, just hopelessness and stagant air, with nothing worth living for. Now I feel a lot more alive, I go through ups and downs, sometimes I'm so happy I can't stop grinning, sometimes I'm so sad I can't stop crying, but at least I have these feelings. My self worth/self esteem has gone a long ways from "worthless piece of shit that no one cares about" to "someone who means something to a lot of people". And I'm still working on that...yeah, deep down I'm still surprised when someone wants to spend time with me. But it's nothing compared to what it was. Not only that, but most of the time I have a happy, joyful being, instead of always being really, deeply depressed. Like I said, I'm slowly getting a lot better. I can even view different events from my past in a new light, and they used to be devasting, almost trauma like events, now they don't really affect me anymore. It's good. But like I said...it's starting to sink in, which is better than being in denial. That's what this was about - admitting to myself, and others, that I'm not okay...and it's okay that I'm not okay.
Yeah, it's been a slow realization, it took an awful long time for this to sink in. For a long while (aka years) I thought it was just a stage, a little teenager thing that would go away once I got away from the angst ridden halls of high school, and of my house/family. But it hasn't. This isn't about being emo, or full of angst, or a cry out for sympathy. This is just me talking about...me. It has to do with how I deal with things, and how I don't. I don't think things through, and when I do, I only think them through from the wrong angle - the pessistimistic angle. It's funny how quickly we rebuke when someone else critizes and judges us, but when we do it to ourselves, we just accept it. I'm terribly guilty of that. If you told me since I failed a test, I'm going no where in life, I would laugh at you, and tell you about all the reasons I'm going someplace in my life, and prove you wrong. Yet when I accuse myself of going no where in life, I just accept that. I give up when things go wrong, far too easily. I take on more guilt than I should - I blame myself for things that I am not in fault for. I catastrophize. I make things worse than they actually are. I presume the absolute worse will happen. And worst of all, I take what happens as it always being an unchangable, permenent flaw in myself that will never be better, so I give up and don't even try to better myself or my situation. All of this is automatic.
I can't lie to myself anymore; I have been fighting depression for most of my life. That's a fact. Another fact is I've come along way, and I've gotten a lot better. I used to walk around in a state of always being miserable, always thinking the absolute worse of myself, and finding no joy in absolutely anything. The world was a beige blur, no colour, no feeling, just hopelessness and stagant air, with nothing worth living for. Now I feel a lot more alive, I go through ups and downs, sometimes I'm so happy I can't stop grinning, sometimes I'm so sad I can't stop crying, but at least I have these feelings. My self worth/self esteem has gone a long ways from "worthless piece of shit that no one cares about" to "someone who means something to a lot of people". And I'm still working on that...yeah, deep down I'm still surprised when someone wants to spend time with me. But it's nothing compared to what it was. Not only that, but most of the time I have a happy, joyful being, instead of always being really, deeply depressed. Like I said, I'm slowly getting a lot better. I can even view different events from my past in a new light, and they used to be devasting, almost trauma like events, now they don't really affect me anymore. It's good. But like I said...it's starting to sink in, which is better than being in denial. That's what this was about - admitting to myself, and others, that I'm not okay...and it's okay that I'm not okay.