old enough to know bitter...
i'm going to sleep in about 2 minutes, not because i am tired...well, i am but for some reason have issues getting to sleep these days. but because i have to babysit in the morning and go to parade rehearsal at night and need rest.
rehearsals started this week, the cast is large, i'm working with sarah again but also 2 other asms due to the sheer magnitude of the show. it will go up in february and is being performed in kasser. lots of underclassmen, and i'm still trying to match faces to names.
i feel really out of place. i feel like i never made enough of an effort to get involved with department shows before and now relationships are sort of established to a point where i feel like i can't quite....i don't know. i just wish i had at least auditioned more. or something. but its only been a week. maybe it'll get less scary. this cast is different than the dining room in the size and the way that people don't go out of their way to even say hi to you. it actually kind of hurts me, as strange as that may seem.
i've become sort of antisocial, and it doesn't bother me most of the time. but every so often i wish i was more outgoing, or enigmatic, or charming, engaging, or intelligent, so that it would be easier to be in social situations and not feel awkward. and i wish i didn't get so self-conscious. but i often prefer to stay in and stare at the ceiling or read or watch reruns over going out and having a crazy good time.
and holy crap 2 more weeks till finals how did that happen?
my new name is maneater. another one bites the dust because once again i was just too busy to put my heart into anything. my family has had full reign over my heart this fall. they've needed it most. i still don't feel like she's really gone sometimes. when i really really really think it over too much i get sad, but its easier to handle knowing she's not hurting and she's where she wants to be now. and she got to come home. but...i dont know if ever i have to choose between someone and my family, my family always wins. which is why i don't think that i should be put in the position where i feel like i have to choose. so thats that. too much pressure, too many factors that made me realize it wasn't going anywhere. better now than later.
there's other things i want to say but i think they are better left unsaid and i need to go to bed anyway.
rehearsals started this week, the cast is large, i'm working with sarah again but also 2 other asms due to the sheer magnitude of the show. it will go up in february and is being performed in kasser. lots of underclassmen, and i'm still trying to match faces to names.
i feel really out of place. i feel like i never made enough of an effort to get involved with department shows before and now relationships are sort of established to a point where i feel like i can't quite....i don't know. i just wish i had at least auditioned more. or something. but its only been a week. maybe it'll get less scary. this cast is different than the dining room in the size and the way that people don't go out of their way to even say hi to you. it actually kind of hurts me, as strange as that may seem.
i've become sort of antisocial, and it doesn't bother me most of the time. but every so often i wish i was more outgoing, or enigmatic, or charming, engaging, or intelligent, so that it would be easier to be in social situations and not feel awkward. and i wish i didn't get so self-conscious. but i often prefer to stay in and stare at the ceiling or read or watch reruns over going out and having a crazy good time.
and holy crap 2 more weeks till finals how did that happen?
my new name is maneater. another one bites the dust because once again i was just too busy to put my heart into anything. my family has had full reign over my heart this fall. they've needed it most. i still don't feel like she's really gone sometimes. when i really really really think it over too much i get sad, but its easier to handle knowing she's not hurting and she's where she wants to be now. and she got to come home. but...i dont know if ever i have to choose between someone and my family, my family always wins. which is why i don't think that i should be put in the position where i feel like i have to choose. so thats that. too much pressure, too many factors that made me realize it wasn't going anywhere. better now than later.
there's other things i want to say but i think they are better left unsaid and i need to go to bed anyway.