so this is the new year...everybody put your best suit or dress on
january 1st, 2005.
i'm at my parents house. there is a midnight meet up with old classic friends at the pank. so i'm in sayreville tonight. midnight is purring at my feet.
the year has been eventful. to say the very least. i don't entirely know how to say things. i feel like i've gotten a little older, a little wiser, and have also come to the realization that i have a lot of improvements to make.
i feel sort of a mixture of emotions at the current moment. this is because i am a livejournal stalker to some degree and feel it necessary to check up on people. so think what you will about me. i'm past caring what people have to say, because honestly unless you know someone 100 percent you have no right to judge them. and the only person one knows 100 percent is oneself. regardless of whether you know it or not, you probably have a pretty good grasp on who you are. this is what i am coming to learn about myself. i not only know myself, but i have really known myself all along, and part of making your place on life's path is simply recognizing that you know yourself better than you think you do. if that makes any sense at all. but the point i am trying to make is that no one has the right to judge anybody else. so whatever you have heard or been told or whatever has been conveyed to you about me through any 2nd or 3rd parties....you probably don't have a clue. regardless, i feel as though i need to sort of make things clearer...i guess.
i was in a relationship this year that was probably one of the best things of my life. even when and after it went to shit. i knew it was over for a couple of months before i finally threw in the towel. because i have turned my back on things before they have been totally over previously and i have regretted it. and the reasons for its end were all internalized, really. i was deeply in love for awhile. i think i was anyway. unless my concept of love is skewed and misunderstood and i still havent got it figured out quite yet. i dont rule that out. i know that i am emotional and passionate and that i do get confused. however, we were good for each other. and honestly, a part of me will still care about him in some capacity for the rest of my life because of what he has given me. and i feel sorry for the way things turned out. i wish they weren't this way right now. we were great friends before anything else. and then something else developed out of it. something i hadn't really expected....but it seemed so right. and life was grand.
and then...sometime later on... i came to a realization that i had never given myself time to heal from not 1, but 2 traumatic relationships before i jumped into something new. and that i was still confused and that i needed to know me. among some other complexities and insecurities within myself that were being more fully realized. and i realized that i had spent the past....nearly 4 years...jumping from one rock to the next...and being too scared to be alone to allowe myself to come up for air. thus, i felt smothered. this is not to say that i never cared deeply about him. i did. and like i said, i still do somewhere within me in spite of other complications that developed later, leaving me feeling hostile and bitter and angry. those feelings made me cut ties and stop sacrificing my own well being.
for quite some time, i wanted nothing more than to be with him and to make him realize how much he had going for him. open his eyes to the beauty i saw in him. and he made me happy. we had so much fun....from before we dated to when we started dating and throughout. i have a lot of good memories and i keep them with me. but things changed for me after awhile. and i realized i couldnt be so codependent. nor could i spend all my energy and time on other people. i had done it for too long. if you knew me before, you know what i mean. if you know me only recently i'm sure you haven't a clue. or maybe you have.
but i was tired, and something in me just needed to be alone. and i think i went about things all wrong. but really whats the proper way to break up with someone? i was too tired to do it anymore. i needed to clear my head and stop dragging him down with me. he didnt do anything wrong. but i couldnt be for him what he needed me to be. i tried. i wanted to be. but i just couldn't. i was in too bad a state. without getting too deep into it, i was suffering a depressive spell that took hold of me....it was one of the worst ive experienced...an it took me a substantially long time to get out of. and it was unfair of me to keep him in it...especially with his inability to comprehend it. and i was simply unhappy. i needed to start stripping away the excess things that i had been using as support beams...and start getting in better touch with myself. it sounds like a crock of shit, but the whole "it's not you it's me" thing was true. and my feelings changed. and i can't help that. believe me if i could control my feelings and make them make sense to the situation i would. my family liked him, he treated me nice, he would respond to my tantrums with flowers. he just accepted my volatility and kept loving me, hoping i would come around. this made it all the more painful...i don't know why things changed. but they did. and there was no way to explain that i just didn't feel the same way i used to. i needed to be on my own. hadnt allowed myself to know myself without relying on someone else since the path to self discovery began for me with adolescence. well now i was halfway through college, and i needed to allow myself that. i had spent so long being what others needed me to be that i wasn't being me. and i needed to start putting myself first for once. unfortunately, i broke someones heart in the process. and i never wanted to. i feared at the very beginning i would. and i stated those concerns right from the begnning. maybe that should have been an indication of things to come....somewhere within me i knew i wasnt ready. but i persisted...and as good as it was...i ended up being right. to the best of my knowledge, i never promised eternity. i gave him my heart. but i never said forever. if i did, i'm sorry. to promise eternity to anyone is a promise few can keep.
maybe i fear commitment. maybe i just don't know how it works. but i am 20 years old and dammit i don't want to be in a relationship just because i am scared to be without one. i'm too young for that. i need to focus on getting my education. figuring out what i plan to do when i get out of college. living my life without having to factor someone else into the equation. do i crave affection? of course. am i learning how to survive without it? every day it gets a little easier. i have been certifiably single for 5 months after spending 4 consecutive years in relationships.... i had relied on male affection for so so so long....now that i am without it....it feels ok. it's less lonely. there were times when physically, i was with someone, but i felt so so alone. because it's so hard to really recognize your better qualities when you're depending on that certain someone to make you feel like you're okay. i guess i was addicted to relationships. and like all addictions there is a period of withdrawal. being in love is a great feeling. i don't do drugs, but love is a high. and coming down off of a high is painful. but addictions can be conquered. and i'm doing pretty well with this i think. i'm finally starting to heal myself in spite of the past.
i tried to salvage the friendship that it started out as....but that hasn't really worked. for multiple reasons. its no ones fault but face it, its hard to be friends with someone you've been in a serious relationship with. its just short of impossible i think.
the fall semester came and went in what seemed like light speed. but it went well i think. grades come out wednesday so i'll know for sure then. but all things considered, i think i did well.
around mid-october, things got really hard for me. i had been working on blocking out the peripheral stuff that got me distracted from the important stuff (ie my gpa, physical and mental health, self-confidence, family, happiness, etc.) but for the record, my weekend in new york was more than cheap beer and good shows. i know i haven't been entirely fair. and i was shitty at times. but i take accountability for my actions and i have apologized over and over again. certain events happened. and they are a big deal. it took me weeks to be able to actually want to leave my apartment. i still feel horrible over it. i need to come to terms with things. my emotions are still screwy. i have nightmares about it. frequently. how much of my fault was it? and how much of it do i just not take blame for? did i get want was coming to me? or does anyone deserve payback like that? i think that the dust should have settled by now enough for me to get on 100 percent with my life. but it hasnt. i think i need to see a crisis counselor. i just don't feel like he knows how badly i've been affected. and how you can't just pretend something isn't a big deal or act like it didnt happen to make the pill easier to swallow. this is now something i have to live with. it won't ever go away. but i've learned not to get myself that drunk and stupid. and i now have a story to share with my nieces before they go to college so that they don't end up in a similar situation. and i know not to let my guard down. between ny and my guitar getting stolen in december and a couple other in between events i've sort of toughened up a bit and while i do try to see the silver lining, my trust and faith in humanity is slightly changed. and i think that makes me stronger in a sense. but it still sucks. and i'm learning to deal.
but no matter how bad things get, you've got to get back on the horse. i did. i got it together and threw my energy into productive projects like directing scenes and writing projects for my major courses. finding other outlets to explore my craft in. i'm starting to really make connections with theatre now and to me its exciting to start really applying what ive learned. and now i'm looking forward to this year. i've got a 7 credit internship in manhattan lined up and am taking the course load a little lighter this semester. 3 classes....2 days a week. i owe it to myself after taking 17-19 credits per semester since my freshman year. my station office hours will be on thursday after my last class gets out at 2:15 and before my radio show at 7 pm. this should give me more time to get stuff done there, and get it done well. assuming i can get some alone time in the office. i'll keep my fingers crossed. wmsc webcasts now. i turn 21 in may. i am going to texas in march for sxsw....alone...but i am content with that. i plan on meeting up with people i have already met and meeting new people as well. when i really want to be i can actually be quite social and endearing. haha. this is what my feedback from cmj taught me. that people want to hang out with me. who knew? i also have a new apartment with steph and krystal. it's coming along nicely and hopefully we can live happily for the next couple of years. i made some resolutions this year. they include going to the gym twice a week, paying off my credit card, and basically having a more positive outlook on life and being a better person overall....being the best i can be.
i think these are attainable goals. they will require discipline and motivation, but i think i can do it.
i think i may have rambled and talked in circles quite a bit this evening. making sense of certain events is tough. so i'm sorry for any lapse in clarity. but maybe it will all seem a little clearer in the future....but i've done some editing and reworking as well as i think further about things and address those issues i haven't really ever truly addressed.
happy new year everyone. its a clean slate. make the most of it. i know i'm going to try.
i'm at my parents house. there is a midnight meet up with old classic friends at the pank. so i'm in sayreville tonight. midnight is purring at my feet.
the year has been eventful. to say the very least. i don't entirely know how to say things. i feel like i've gotten a little older, a little wiser, and have also come to the realization that i have a lot of improvements to make.
i feel sort of a mixture of emotions at the current moment. this is because i am a livejournal stalker to some degree and feel it necessary to check up on people. so think what you will about me. i'm past caring what people have to say, because honestly unless you know someone 100 percent you have no right to judge them. and the only person one knows 100 percent is oneself. regardless of whether you know it or not, you probably have a pretty good grasp on who you are. this is what i am coming to learn about myself. i not only know myself, but i have really known myself all along, and part of making your place on life's path is simply recognizing that you know yourself better than you think you do. if that makes any sense at all. but the point i am trying to make is that no one has the right to judge anybody else. so whatever you have heard or been told or whatever has been conveyed to you about me through any 2nd or 3rd parties....you probably don't have a clue. regardless, i feel as though i need to sort of make things clearer...i guess.
i was in a relationship this year that was probably one of the best things of my life. even when and after it went to shit. i knew it was over for a couple of months before i finally threw in the towel. because i have turned my back on things before they have been totally over previously and i have regretted it. and the reasons for its end were all internalized, really. i was deeply in love for awhile. i think i was anyway. unless my concept of love is skewed and misunderstood and i still havent got it figured out quite yet. i dont rule that out. i know that i am emotional and passionate and that i do get confused. however, we were good for each other. and honestly, a part of me will still care about him in some capacity for the rest of my life because of what he has given me. and i feel sorry for the way things turned out. i wish they weren't this way right now. we were great friends before anything else. and then something else developed out of it. something i hadn't really expected....but it seemed so right. and life was grand.
and then...sometime later on... i came to a realization that i had never given myself time to heal from not 1, but 2 traumatic relationships before i jumped into something new. and that i was still confused and that i needed to know me. among some other complexities and insecurities within myself that were being more fully realized. and i realized that i had spent the past....nearly 4 years...jumping from one rock to the next...and being too scared to be alone to allowe myself to come up for air. thus, i felt smothered. this is not to say that i never cared deeply about him. i did. and like i said, i still do somewhere within me in spite of other complications that developed later, leaving me feeling hostile and bitter and angry. those feelings made me cut ties and stop sacrificing my own well being.
for quite some time, i wanted nothing more than to be with him and to make him realize how much he had going for him. open his eyes to the beauty i saw in him. and he made me happy. we had so much fun....from before we dated to when we started dating and throughout. i have a lot of good memories and i keep them with me. but things changed for me after awhile. and i realized i couldnt be so codependent. nor could i spend all my energy and time on other people. i had done it for too long. if you knew me before, you know what i mean. if you know me only recently i'm sure you haven't a clue. or maybe you have.
but i was tired, and something in me just needed to be alone. and i think i went about things all wrong. but really whats the proper way to break up with someone? i was too tired to do it anymore. i needed to clear my head and stop dragging him down with me. he didnt do anything wrong. but i couldnt be for him what he needed me to be. i tried. i wanted to be. but i just couldn't. i was in too bad a state. without getting too deep into it, i was suffering a depressive spell that took hold of me....it was one of the worst ive experienced...an it took me a substantially long time to get out of. and it was unfair of me to keep him in it...especially with his inability to comprehend it. and i was simply unhappy. i needed to start stripping away the excess things that i had been using as support beams...and start getting in better touch with myself. it sounds like a crock of shit, but the whole "it's not you it's me" thing was true. and my feelings changed. and i can't help that. believe me if i could control my feelings and make them make sense to the situation i would. my family liked him, he treated me nice, he would respond to my tantrums with flowers. he just accepted my volatility and kept loving me, hoping i would come around. this made it all the more painful...i don't know why things changed. but they did. and there was no way to explain that i just didn't feel the same way i used to. i needed to be on my own. hadnt allowed myself to know myself without relying on someone else since the path to self discovery began for me with adolescence. well now i was halfway through college, and i needed to allow myself that. i had spent so long being what others needed me to be that i wasn't being me. and i needed to start putting myself first for once. unfortunately, i broke someones heart in the process. and i never wanted to. i feared at the very beginning i would. and i stated those concerns right from the begnning. maybe that should have been an indication of things to come....somewhere within me i knew i wasnt ready. but i persisted...and as good as it was...i ended up being right. to the best of my knowledge, i never promised eternity. i gave him my heart. but i never said forever. if i did, i'm sorry. to promise eternity to anyone is a promise few can keep.
maybe i fear commitment. maybe i just don't know how it works. but i am 20 years old and dammit i don't want to be in a relationship just because i am scared to be without one. i'm too young for that. i need to focus on getting my education. figuring out what i plan to do when i get out of college. living my life without having to factor someone else into the equation. do i crave affection? of course. am i learning how to survive without it? every day it gets a little easier. i have been certifiably single for 5 months after spending 4 consecutive years in relationships.... i had relied on male affection for so so so long....now that i am without it....it feels ok. it's less lonely. there were times when physically, i was with someone, but i felt so so alone. because it's so hard to really recognize your better qualities when you're depending on that certain someone to make you feel like you're okay. i guess i was addicted to relationships. and like all addictions there is a period of withdrawal. being in love is a great feeling. i don't do drugs, but love is a high. and coming down off of a high is painful. but addictions can be conquered. and i'm doing pretty well with this i think. i'm finally starting to heal myself in spite of the past.
i tried to salvage the friendship that it started out as....but that hasn't really worked. for multiple reasons. its no ones fault but face it, its hard to be friends with someone you've been in a serious relationship with. its just short of impossible i think.
the fall semester came and went in what seemed like light speed. but it went well i think. grades come out wednesday so i'll know for sure then. but all things considered, i think i did well.
around mid-october, things got really hard for me. i had been working on blocking out the peripheral stuff that got me distracted from the important stuff (ie my gpa, physical and mental health, self-confidence, family, happiness, etc.) but for the record, my weekend in new york was more than cheap beer and good shows. i know i haven't been entirely fair. and i was shitty at times. but i take accountability for my actions and i have apologized over and over again. certain events happened. and they are a big deal. it took me weeks to be able to actually want to leave my apartment. i still feel horrible over it. i need to come to terms with things. my emotions are still screwy. i have nightmares about it. frequently. how much of my fault was it? and how much of it do i just not take blame for? did i get want was coming to me? or does anyone deserve payback like that? i think that the dust should have settled by now enough for me to get on 100 percent with my life. but it hasnt. i think i need to see a crisis counselor. i just don't feel like he knows how badly i've been affected. and how you can't just pretend something isn't a big deal or act like it didnt happen to make the pill easier to swallow. this is now something i have to live with. it won't ever go away. but i've learned not to get myself that drunk and stupid. and i now have a story to share with my nieces before they go to college so that they don't end up in a similar situation. and i know not to let my guard down. between ny and my guitar getting stolen in december and a couple other in between events i've sort of toughened up a bit and while i do try to see the silver lining, my trust and faith in humanity is slightly changed. and i think that makes me stronger in a sense. but it still sucks. and i'm learning to deal.
but no matter how bad things get, you've got to get back on the horse. i did. i got it together and threw my energy into productive projects like directing scenes and writing projects for my major courses. finding other outlets to explore my craft in. i'm starting to really make connections with theatre now and to me its exciting to start really applying what ive learned. and now i'm looking forward to this year. i've got a 7 credit internship in manhattan lined up and am taking the course load a little lighter this semester. 3 classes....2 days a week. i owe it to myself after taking 17-19 credits per semester since my freshman year. my station office hours will be on thursday after my last class gets out at 2:15 and before my radio show at 7 pm. this should give me more time to get stuff done there, and get it done well. assuming i can get some alone time in the office. i'll keep my fingers crossed. wmsc webcasts now. i turn 21 in may. i am going to texas in march for sxsw....alone...but i am content with that. i plan on meeting up with people i have already met and meeting new people as well. when i really want to be i can actually be quite social and endearing. haha. this is what my feedback from cmj taught me. that people want to hang out with me. who knew? i also have a new apartment with steph and krystal. it's coming along nicely and hopefully we can live happily for the next couple of years. i made some resolutions this year. they include going to the gym twice a week, paying off my credit card, and basically having a more positive outlook on life and being a better person overall....being the best i can be.
i think these are attainable goals. they will require discipline and motivation, but i think i can do it.
i think i may have rambled and talked in circles quite a bit this evening. making sense of certain events is tough. so i'm sorry for any lapse in clarity. but maybe it will all seem a little clearer in the future....but i've done some editing and reworking as well as i think further about things and address those issues i haven't really ever truly addressed.
happy new year everyone. its a clean slate. make the most of it. i know i'm going to try.