suffering...
it's really hard to see someone suffer. it's even harder to watch someone else suffer over someone they're close to suffering, and being completely helpless to do anything about it. i think i speak for all your friends when i say we're with you in whatever you need, steve. i miss you tremendously, and i can only imagine what you're going through, and what the world is losing in the process.
i lost my grandfather in '01. he had emphysema since i could remember. i prepared for 11 years or so to lose him, and when he did die, it was as if it was as sudden as a car wreck or something. it was no better than losing someone suddenly, and preparing for it only gave me the chance to have fewer regrets. the last thing he said to me was that he loved me. he rarely did that, so it was something very special. i think he knew. i felt very alone, though, through the whole thing. when his father had died 5 years before, i didn't even get to go to the funeral because i had finals and a charity event that day which i had helped organize. i remember sitting on the floor of my living room, crying when i looked at the clock in the empty house and realized that they were at the funeral right then and i didn't even get to say goodbye.
i get the feeling that i should start getting ready to lose my other grandfather soon. he's having all kinds of various medical problems... and that is going to kill my mother. they're very close, and i have grown pretty fond of him, too. he's the one that took me to argentina. i almost thought i was going to lose my mom when she went into the hospital in april. i might have, too, if they hadn't done the second surgery and found that last bone fragment.
so i can only imagine, but i can sympathise, too. it all just reinforces that notion that i really want to be nearer to my friends now. i miss everyone. i miss seeing people on a regular basis, and i miss just sitting around together. at the same time, it really makes me appreciate what i do have, and what i was allowed to have, even if it was only for a short while in my life. maybe this is just the shirttails of the bull accident, but things have been... odd lately. i'm grateful for all i have, grateful that i have the money to eat every day, grateful that i have citizenship in this country where we're more free than most countries, even though people don't care to see that, grateful to have had fulfilling relationships and a fairly full life, thus far.
Selig Sind Die Toten, Die In Dem Herren Sterben
i lost my grandfather in '01. he had emphysema since i could remember. i prepared for 11 years or so to lose him, and when he did die, it was as if it was as sudden as a car wreck or something. it was no better than losing someone suddenly, and preparing for it only gave me the chance to have fewer regrets. the last thing he said to me was that he loved me. he rarely did that, so it was something very special. i think he knew. i felt very alone, though, through the whole thing. when his father had died 5 years before, i didn't even get to go to the funeral because i had finals and a charity event that day which i had helped organize. i remember sitting on the floor of my living room, crying when i looked at the clock in the empty house and realized that they were at the funeral right then and i didn't even get to say goodbye.
i get the feeling that i should start getting ready to lose my other grandfather soon. he's having all kinds of various medical problems... and that is going to kill my mother. they're very close, and i have grown pretty fond of him, too. he's the one that took me to argentina. i almost thought i was going to lose my mom when she went into the hospital in april. i might have, too, if they hadn't done the second surgery and found that last bone fragment.
so i can only imagine, but i can sympathise, too. it all just reinforces that notion that i really want to be nearer to my friends now. i miss everyone. i miss seeing people on a regular basis, and i miss just sitting around together. at the same time, it really makes me appreciate what i do have, and what i was allowed to have, even if it was only for a short while in my life. maybe this is just the shirttails of the bull accident, but things have been... odd lately. i'm grateful for all i have, grateful that i have the money to eat every day, grateful that i have citizenship in this country where we're more free than most countries, even though people don't care to see that, grateful to have had fulfilling relationships and a fairly full life, thus far.
Selig Sind Die Toten, Die In Dem Herren Sterben