Everybody Hates Me

[nightcookie]

God, everbody hates me, I don't know why, but they do... I must have "HATE ME" in bold letters on my forehead. Well, I guess I should back up my everyone hates me story. You see, I got sick at work a little less than a week ago. I was ok all day untill I took some dieretics for that horrid time of the month. Soon after that I got nauseated and so

Comments

Live a Great Life

[anonymous]

Ashley, and you others who are reading this (friends of Ashley or passers by), the other Anonymous commenter is about right. You have to know what love is truly all about first. You're going to take hell for knowing. I tried to love Ashley and make some Anonymous comments. I didn't get treated back for it. People pretty much treated me as though I should be dead in some situations. I've confronted her and others about their convictions to this extreme dieting, the swearing, the drugs, their smoking and drinking, and about sex, and they do absolutely nothing in return. Where is my support? Where is the support for the other Anonymous people who didn't want you to commit suicide and still don't. We don't get loved. In fact, we likely get loved far less. And some of us try to worship God (who is being generally outcast and misrepresented through cults and the media and bad preachers and the ignorant masses of society), and Jesus Christ, and other truly great human beings. Yet that doesn't get respected, and we get outcast for that. My life as an Anonymous is being hell. I'm like in a cyclone. There's so much injustice and impatience here and around the world, there's so much swearing and negativity here, that I myself can't rest, and wake up like Ashley, feeling hated. At the same time she doesn't do anything to better herself and those around her. That's what she NEEDS TO SEE. She doesn't do anything positive. They swear and smoke together as some act of trying to stay alive and feel secure. You must do these other things more, Ashley. You must be more upright and wise about life. Or this will continue without stopping, and there will be much more tragedy and devastation to come, from people being injusticed and nothing changing it. You should strive to be clean and honorable, an example as all people should be in life, and not scoff at the idea. Because I wont be around for this so much, because it's killing me, and God doesn't like it. And you will no doubt find some way to be critical about that with your own understanding of who you think I am as Anonymous and how much you may not know about God truly. But I'm not here to hurt anyone. I'm here to let you potentially see this other way. To get this testimony of life more into your own head. That you realize sometime soon what I and others are going through, and that we could still, given you give it a good chance, we could still love and care about you so much and protect you. Because we don't want you or anyone else having to feel this way. I'm willing in love to take this pain, and still hold out for you to make the right choices in life. It's up to you to decide now and in the near future, decide what is ultimately more important and the meaning of life. Is it to be in pain, is that all humans are good for? Are human beings just messed up, or are they truly capable of being great and loving? There's no reason to believe we're only about pain, and that we can't make miracles happen. God, Jesus Christ, time, and all life and the universe, show much more promising potential. It's up to human beings now to accept this reality. That we don't just breed pain, but on the contrary... when given the proper chance, we make great things happen.

Let God watch over you now, God will keep you from death and sadness.

Re: Live a Great Life

[nightcookie]

Don't be hurt. I like you. I wish the Anonymous users would stop being anonymous. How am I supposed to support someone I don't even know. I say thank you for your support, but I don't know what to say to someone that is just telling me to stop in a brief paragraph. I don't know if you read this, but I've mentioned it before. I don't know if I wana get better, I don't like it that'd I'd let my piece of crap self have a moments bliss, yet sometimes my other side comes out wanting to be free from this misery. I'm just a contridiction, should I die, should I live, should I allow myself to be happy or should I leave my ugly self in my depression. I just don't know, and I'll just keep stumbling through life untill I figure out for myself what I want/should do. I'm not forcing anyone to read this. This is my life, it's what it is, I can't rewire my brain into something that everyone would like better, it's simply my thoughts. I have my morals. I do try somewhat to keep in mind the ten commandments. I'm sure I could be alot worse. Notice I never use the GD word, God's name in vein. I don't need to be protected. I need to express myself, this journal is for me, other's replying to it is a bonus, letting me know I'm not alone, but it's not here to hurt anyone, or make anyone try to help someone who is just walking blindly through life untill I find something meaningful that will change myself for better or for worse. I hope your not upset, I'm sorry if you are, but what can I do?

Re: Live a Great Life

[anonymous]

Sorry I gotta be anonymous this time but I'm at work and I'm skiving a bit. Just wanted to say, that I understand every feeling and everything you said here. I am 37 and have lived with depression for about 20 years now. It seems to have got worse as I get older and sometimes I feel optimistic about life and sometimes I just want to give in and let the depression wash over me and surrender to it. I like your blog, you can write. You've gotta a good eye for just saying what you want and detailing something that sounds pretty simple in terms of it being an eventful happening but which manages to sum up the total vibe that you happen to be on that day. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to get better in the sense that in some ways I am "comfortable" in the pain my depression causes. I know it, I know how to ride it sometimes and it’s me and all I've known for a long time. Then other times I am sick to death of myself or the pain becomes too much and I want to end it all. I don’t know if I believe that life is even supposed to be happy although I know some people are. I can’t rewire how I think and unless there's someone out there who knows how to I don’t see how I am ever going to lose all the demons that I have lived with for so long. Of course the professionals will say that this is the very crux of what depression is all about and I guess what they're saying makes sense. But its also real tiring to keep on having to correct every thought you have in order to change how you think and even when you do there's still that niggling bastard voice underlying that’s dishing the dirt. I ease the pain with drugs and daydreaming. The daydreaming will eventually not work as the reality of life has a way of crashing in uninvited but I guess the drugs always will even if they do end up killing me. I function, I go to work and family get togethers etc etc but inside I'm mostly a typhoon of negative emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I should just accept that this is me and this is my existence and how my brain works and just get on with it. Maybe acceptance will ease some of the pain, who knows. One thing about being depressed, your brain never stops ticking over and it’s like having a negative running commentary about you and your life that you can't turn off. Anyhow, I gotta go now, just wanted you to know I liked reading what you had to say. It touched quite a few points with me. I hope you do find something meaningful that will change your existence as I hope for myself but I guess that’s the journey of life. We may, we may not. Peace