By The Way I'm A Slacker
Just one more day or I'm gonna get pissed at live journal. They have one more day or I'm gonna GET PISSED AND....well, I guess nothing...It sucks being one of the little people in the world. I'm gonna check my e-mail and see if they replied to my bitchy ramblings. By the way, I WILL REPLY TO EVERYONE, I'm so sorry, I'm so caught up in alot of shit
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But then, you once replied and twice didn't (while you did to others), so I don't know what to think. I think maybe my comments bother you. Should I leave you alone? Now you say that you want people to care. I said I cared and you didn't reply. I am fine with that. I have a life to lead and I find that it really would be easier to just delete your site from my bookmarks. Say one word and I will never come again. I don't know. I am thinking 'was I wrong to get involved in this?'
If you only want anorexics to come and cheer you up while you are starving yourself, fine. I will respect that. I care about you, but your life is yours to live or to throw away. If you want me to come, then you should know I will be rooting for you but I will not applaude your starving.
You say you want to be invisible. Well, that's a strange thing to say, coming form someone having a public journal. Livejurnal is in a way an exercise in exhibitionism. You are full of contradictions. I think you need to think through what it is that you really want.
And now back to the main subject.
"I just can't see why I can't handle what most people can?" Most people don't try to live on 1000 calorie diet! Also, maybe if you starve yourself, your mind and your body don't work as most people's. Do you actually think that starving your body only affects your body's weight and not its functions? Food is not only calories. Food contains the ingredients you need for your body to function properly. All the processes that go on in your body, every little thing, moving your hands while you are typing in your blog, depend on chemical reactions between thousands of different substances, proteins and minerals, vitamins and even fats that are in the food. When you cut out food so you are taking in only 1000 calories, you inevitably cut out some of these essential ingredients and unbalance the mechanisms going on in your body. You see, proteins are not there only for muscles. When your body fights bacteria, viruses, and foreign bodies (and we always have some in our system) if you don't have the necessary ingredients, the synthesis of proteins that would fight them cannot happen. Once one part of the system is unbalanced, then the others follow. It is like this: if one supporing pillar breaks, then the others suffer more pressure so they will break sooner too.
Don't mess with this.
If you want to be an annorexic, your weight is not your biggest problem.
Believe me.
And leave your but alone! It isn't there only to look good. It serves a purpose. If you don't appreciate that, then why don't you try to go on for a week without sitting down, and then you may start liking your but.
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I am worried about you. You are the one who want people to know about you and care about you. But when you don't reply, I take it to mean that you don't care about my comments, so I don't want to bother you. It is all up to you.
There is a hell of a lot of things you have control over. The pitty is that you waste your time trying to exert control over something that you cannot, and in a bad way, too. For example, trying to control your body in a way that you do, for example. It takes a lot of energy to do that. And you could use that energy in a multitude of other good ways. Obsessing about how many calories you ate, how big your butt is, etc can be really exhausting (not to mention that it makes you feel like crap all the time). From personal experience I can tell you this: there was a time when I did that, too, but once I got involved in my work for college, I just had no time for such things. You could (and should) spend your time to read books, hone your writing skills, and everything else that you enjoy doing.
You say why can't you be like all those successful anorexics out there in the world. Maybe they succeeded in both. Well, there are several issues here. Let me not discuss now the issue of why you think it is cool to be anorexic.
First of all, I think you have defined success too narrowly. This is a mistake a lot of (unsuccessful) people make. Instead of trying to become successful by honing a skill in a particular area, maybe working on your writing, you want to be a successful anorexic writer. So, to you , it isn't enough to be only a good writer, you would have to be a good anorexic writer. That is harder, for one.
Next, even if being an ANOREXIC writer is a worthy goal to pursue (which I think it isn't), just because one person or two succeeded in it doesn't mean everyone can and this doesn't mean that you are not as good as they are at all.(Good for you for getting Marya's picture off of your site, by the way; it is a sign that your own identity is becoming stronger.)
We are all different. You know, my mom has a lot of plants, and some of them require more water than others, but that doesn't mean that they are worse at all. That means that they need different conditions to blossom than other plants. That is all.
Perhaps your path to success doesn't lead through anorexia. And who can say with certainty that all those successful anorexic people wouldn't be even more successful if they didn't have to deal with all that comes with anorexia. I think that definitely anorexia (or any disease for that matter) certainly hinders progress in all areas. For Marya to say that she wouldn't be what she is if she hadn't gone through all that she had gone through is just a psychological mechanism of deffense for people to deal with their regrets.
Her book is called Wasted; that word doesn't only refer to the body. Whether she intended it or not, to me wasted signified all the time wasted in obssessing with food, body, bingeing, purging, dieting. It is time that she wasted. Instead of having a life filled with experiences with real, imperfect, flesh and blood people, she wasted it in the pursuit of a ghost image (goal). And she also wasted a lot of oprtunities: for instance, if I understand her correctly, she can't have children. Now, if that is your choice, that is fine, but she has no choice. That is a lot different.
Succeeding in anorexia is a dangerous proposition. I hope you fail at it.
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that said.. i fall somewhere in the middle of the two.. i know its dangerous.. but their are times i cant help it.. im driven to it.. and exept for the one time ive ran a chat room i dont often have much to do with pro ana..
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