Alot Going On
Sometimes I wonder if my point of view even makes since to anyone but me. I hope Vixen
can understand as well. I hope she at least reads it. I don't want her to think I'm
bullshiting her. I'm not, this is all the truth. It might sound like
Yeah, I'm starting to see what your talking about. Every night
there is a drug to make me numb, coke, speed, or pot. I smoked some
speed tonight, enough to normally get me a little bit high. It
didn't do anything to me. I thought, hmm, maybe I need to just use
the rest of what I got instead of saving it for later. Then I was
like, what the fuck, this is how addiction begins. You need more,
and more, untill you are left with no fucking money for school, a
car, or even basic needs because my parents don't have any money
anymore. I guess that besides basic needs, you end up losing the
people you love as well. I never wanted to believe that drugs could
actually fuck things up this bad. I just wanted to lose weight, and
not be so depressed all the time. I can't blame the drugs for
everything though. I hurt Vixen, because I was too caught up in
fucking and getting high, and I don't blame her for feeling like I
just abandoned her, nor her hating me because of it. That's what I
deserve for being so stupid, but I wish it wouldn't have been
between Vixen and I's friendship. I hope she forgives me for being a
dumbass. She keeps telling me to stop making up excuses. I read over
what I write, to make sure I'm stating only facts. Am I making
excuses? I need to call her, I don't work Tuesday because of a
therapy appointment, or maybe if I push myself to wake up earlier
than 2:00 PM, I will be able to talk to her sooner. I wish I knew
what time she goes on lunch break, then I could come see her at
school. I'm usually awake all night and early morning hanging with
my boyfriend whome is my other best friend besides Vixen, then I go
to sleep, wake up, eat a small "meal", take a shower, and go to
work. That leaves me with hardly any time for anything else.
Anyways, bluegirl, you didn't make me mad, you are my friend, and I
want to try my best to keep it that way. I learned that the hard
way. I don't believe I need help at the moment. I just want to get
in my 80's *lbs* , then get some help with the drugs. I'm not going
to do any after tomorrow for at least one week. I'm going to try to
lose weight without the drugs for a little bit, so I can prove to
myself that I don't need it, or else prove myself wrong, and
actually start up again next week, and hopefully make it to around
80 lbs, then I will be forced to quit. I'm leaning more toward the
80 lbs plan though. My ED, makes it even more addictive. The high is
great, but the even bigger pluss is that it makes me not hungry,
thus lose weight. I don't know what to do. Like I've said before, my
brain is split in half, and I can't control them. I have my
positive, go to college, get a car, love yourself, and prosper side.
Then there is the negative side that is, self destructive, ED,
drugs, hate myself, screams alot about how I'm a stupid fat cow, cut
myself, fuck it all, and likes it when my nose bleeds from snorting
too much. The negative side is more powerful, louder, the most
dominet. I could probably, I don't know, maybe more of a possibly,
get them pretty much to become one, instead of having two parts in
my head that have totally different ideas, that always makes me
contridict myself. If I did want to get better, that would mean I
would have to give up all my negative behaviors, that means my ED
too. I can't give up my ED, I don't want to, never, never, never!!
I'm kinda trapt in a fucked up situation right now. Not to mention
that my new insurance won't pay for my therapy, which although I
haven't seen my psycho doc and my therapist very long, I've learned
they're pretty smart, which has been rare in my case. I don't want
to start with a new therapist and psycho doc all over again. That
would mean I would have to learn to trust, learn more about them,
and find out if they're as stupid as the rest I've seen in the past.
I just got through with that, why would i want to start all over
again
It might sound like I'm just making people feel sorry for myself, but I'm not. That
isn't my goal, and I never want it to be. It may sound a little bit
whiney, but that's because it hurts badly emotionaly, and the simple
fact that I have to explain myself, thus having to bring up all
those horrid feelings in which I try to ignore. I'm only trying to
tell her how I feel, in hopes she can understand what's hurting me
in my life right now, why I've been a stupid bitch for not
responding to her, and that she can hopefully see why I've been the
way I am, accept my appoligie, and still be friends. I don't want to
suck up so she can be my friend. I want to tell her exactly why I
fucked her, and everyone else over. I want her to know I was being
stupid, and selfish. Lies never make friends.I hope I don't ruin any of my other
friends friendships. I can't make that mistake
again. I hope I'm not that selfish anyways. I don't feel loved right now, I just feel
like an idiot. I shouldn't feel loved, I don't
deserve to be cared about. I'm gonna try to get to where I don't
need to ask for help. This Tuesday, and on the 28th, I have a chance
of being hospitalized, but I'm doubting it will happen, or at least
hopeing it won't happen. I want to stay here, and be able to talk to
my friends, you guys. I want to mend things with Vixen.
can understand as well. I hope she at least reads it. I don't want her to think I'm
bullshiting her. I'm not, this is all the truth. It might sound like
Yeah, I'm starting to see what your talking about. Every night
there is a drug to make me numb, coke, speed, or pot. I smoked some
speed tonight, enough to normally get me a little bit high. It
didn't do anything to me. I thought, hmm, maybe I need to just use
the rest of what I got instead of saving it for later. Then I was
like, what the fuck, this is how addiction begins. You need more,
and more, untill you are left with no fucking money for school, a
car, or even basic needs because my parents don't have any money
anymore. I guess that besides basic needs, you end up losing the
people you love as well. I never wanted to believe that drugs could
actually fuck things up this bad. I just wanted to lose weight, and
not be so depressed all the time. I can't blame the drugs for
everything though. I hurt Vixen, because I was too caught up in
fucking and getting high, and I don't blame her for feeling like I
just abandoned her, nor her hating me because of it. That's what I
deserve for being so stupid, but I wish it wouldn't have been
between Vixen and I's friendship. I hope she forgives me for being a
dumbass. She keeps telling me to stop making up excuses. I read over
what I write, to make sure I'm stating only facts. Am I making
excuses? I need to call her, I don't work Tuesday because of a
therapy appointment, or maybe if I push myself to wake up earlier
than 2:00 PM, I will be able to talk to her sooner. I wish I knew
what time she goes on lunch break, then I could come see her at
school. I'm usually awake all night and early morning hanging with
my boyfriend whome is my other best friend besides Vixen, then I go
to sleep, wake up, eat a small "meal", take a shower, and go to
work. That leaves me with hardly any time for anything else.
Anyways, bluegirl, you didn't make me mad, you are my friend, and I
want to try my best to keep it that way. I learned that the hard
way. I don't believe I need help at the moment. I just want to get
in my 80's *lbs* , then get some help with the drugs. I'm not going
to do any after tomorrow for at least one week. I'm going to try to
lose weight without the drugs for a little bit, so I can prove to
myself that I don't need it, or else prove myself wrong, and
actually start up again next week, and hopefully make it to around
80 lbs, then I will be forced to quit. I'm leaning more toward the
80 lbs plan though. My ED, makes it even more addictive. The high is
great, but the even bigger pluss is that it makes me not hungry,
thus lose weight. I don't know what to do. Like I've said before, my
brain is split in half, and I can't control them. I have my
positive, go to college, get a car, love yourself, and prosper side.
Then there is the negative side that is, self destructive, ED,
drugs, hate myself, screams alot about how I'm a stupid fat cow, cut
myself, fuck it all, and likes it when my nose bleeds from snorting
too much. The negative side is more powerful, louder, the most
dominet. I could probably, I don't know, maybe more of a possibly,
get them pretty much to become one, instead of having two parts in
my head that have totally different ideas, that always makes me
contridict myself. If I did want to get better, that would mean I
would have to give up all my negative behaviors, that means my ED
too. I can't give up my ED, I don't want to, never, never, never!!
I'm kinda trapt in a fucked up situation right now. Not to mention
that my new insurance won't pay for my therapy, which although I
haven't seen my psycho doc and my therapist very long, I've learned
they're pretty smart, which has been rare in my case. I don't want
to start with a new therapist and psycho doc all over again. That
would mean I would have to learn to trust, learn more about them,
and find out if they're as stupid as the rest I've seen in the past.
I just got through with that, why would i want to start all over
again
It might sound like I'm just making people feel sorry for myself, but I'm not. That
isn't my goal, and I never want it to be. It may sound a little bit
whiney, but that's because it hurts badly emotionaly, and the simple
fact that I have to explain myself, thus having to bring up all
those horrid feelings in which I try to ignore. I'm only trying to
tell her how I feel, in hopes she can understand what's hurting me
in my life right now, why I've been a stupid bitch for not
responding to her, and that she can hopefully see why I've been the
way I am, accept my appoligie, and still be friends. I don't want to
suck up so she can be my friend. I want to tell her exactly why I
fucked her, and everyone else over. I want her to know I was being
stupid, and selfish. Lies never make friends.I hope I don't ruin any of my other
friends friendships. I can't make that mistake
again. I hope I'm not that selfish anyways. I don't feel loved right now, I just feel
like an idiot. I shouldn't feel loved, I don't
deserve to be cared about. I'm gonna try to get to where I don't
need to ask for help. This Tuesday, and on the 28th, I have a chance
of being hospitalized, but I'm doubting it will happen, or at least
hopeing it won't happen. I want to stay here, and be able to talk to
my friends, you guys. I want to mend things with Vixen.