Where Do I Find Myself?
I just got sucked into an hour long conversation about New Orleans with a man who was displaced by Katrina just like me. The conversation started because of Hurricane Gustav - which according to my sources - may be heading for New Orleans, at the moment that looks more likely than Texas, but of course that could change, especially this far out in
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I definitely need a place that "pulls at me", that resonates with a sense of magic as opposed to neutrality. Neutrality makes me feel blandly neutral as well, I slip into an sleeplike apathy or dull restfulness (not to be confused with feeling content or settled).
Maybe you haven't found "Home" yet? Maybe Home is where ever you feel most "yes, this will do for now" at certain points in your life. Houston is working for you on multiple levels but gradually, as you travel more, another locale may grab you, pull at you, seduce you, call to you. That is what first got me to San Francisco (and back here again too b/c I was considering a few other places, post-K).
That is what New Orleans definitely did for me (still does but I've accepted that that part of my life is behind me and that NOLA is now for visiting and not for residing). Certain other places have that magical resonance or vibe for me, many others are great but don't have that extra "something" that resonates.
I say take a wait and see attitude re where Home is next for you. Home may be in your future, and there's no telling how permanent that condition will be and those cards haven't fallen into place yet.
I know you also grapple with issues of impermanence but perhaps a better word is "transitional"? Impermanence to me sounds a tad negative, in that it means "something that is NOT permanent." Temporary also sounds shakey. Transitory, transitional - and I'm sure there are other, better words, sound a little more fluid and don't imply an "anti" anything or a "tenuous" anything.
I know on the face of it that is all just words nad their connotations but, well, to name a thing...
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I like my little rituals - pouring out champagne to greet the weekend - lighting incense - decorating for Halloween - and one by one I sort of let all the little rituals slide because a.) I didn't want to be ruled by them and be too obsessive/compulsive; b.) wanted to see what would happen if I let go of them c.) literally didn't even have the energy for some of them anymore.
But I am discovering that living in a clutter-free apartment is VERY good for my psyche. I like coming home to everything in its appointed place. I don't mind doing dishes or vacuuming or cleaning out the litter box. Housework became a drudge-like chore the past few years because I began to feel like I was the one who had to do everything or it just wouldn't get done. It was very depressing. I've been reading back about all my caftan nights and how I scurried around to clean and dust and blah blah and laughed because lately I have just been TELLING Ken I've been wearing a caftan and have not done ANYTHING on the schedule except maybe call him and have not cleaned or dusted or anything. But last Saturday I really did have a Caftan Night and it was really fun. THe maids did most of the cleaning, but I did some straightening up and I put on my sound machine and soaked in a tub and I want to these kinds of things more often, although I do think I am not going to stay home every damn weekend anymore. I am going out and about. But the occasional Caftan Night or indulgent bath and immersion in myself by candlelight is good!
And now I am officially blathering and will stop. LMAO.
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I adore and cherish certain rituals too and I agree with you about not becoming obsessive or attached to them. A ritual for me is used to mark a certain series of moments, giving it a sacred or special tone. (Not to be confused with pleasant habits or comforting routines!).
I also have the same sense of comfort regarding cleaning (or not cleaing, for that matter!) and the importance of not having a cluttered home space. I love living alone, let me tell ya! I know you will too. I'm also looking so forward to your visit b/c then we can chat for HOURS with candlelight, or while out at darling atmospheric places sipping adult bevvies instead of trying to express via summary everything in emails or on LJ comments!!
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I found some decent airfare the other day and need to actually commit and buy, but I am waiting to make sure that Stuart Townsend (and I know this makes me sound like a stalking freak) won't be in town during a certain film festival that is going on. His film Battle in Seattle is going to show just BEFORE the festival actually starts, like a sort of preview intro or something, and he probably won't be there to talk about it, but if he is I have to be there! Just waiting to confirm. LOL
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