ZPM's, lamb vindaloo, and a beer milkshake (1/?)
Title: ZPM's, lamb vindaloo, and a beer milkshake (1/?)
Author: Nightchaser_sla
Rating: NC17
Crossover with: Red Dwarf
Summary: To Rodney it was kind of fitting that the last human being in existance, 3 million years in the future, was a trolley-boy from Liverpool. Somewhere the Ancients were laughing at the irony of it all.
"The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch. "
- Rimmer, Parallel Universe
Major John Sheppard stared out of the puddlejumper and at the enormous red craft that stretched out as far as the eye could see. The thing was easily the size of a wraith hive ship ... maybe even larger.
"So what is it?" he asked, glancing at the man seated in the co-pilots seat.
"A spaceship Major," answered Dr. Rodney McKay, not even looking up from the laptop on his knee.
"We are aware of that Dr. McKay," came Teyla's gentle voice from behind them. "What I think the Major is asking is how did it get here?"
At that Rodney looked up, frown lines creasing his brow as he mulled that question over.
"There was some sort of energy surge," he answered. "And then the sensors picked up that this ..." He waved at the ship orbiting their planet. " ... had turned up."
"What?" demanded Ford. "Just like that?"
"Basically yes."
"So it could be wraith?" asked John.
"Uh no," said Rodney. "It doesn't even look remotely like wraith technology."
"You've got a point Doc," said Ford. "It looks like something you'd find in the dump."
John slowly nodded his head, the spaceship had the air of total neglect with its scarlet red paint fading in areas and the hint of rust here and there. It definitely wasn't wraith ... or ancient for that matter.
"So who made it?" he asked.
That merely got him a shrug from Rodney, who continued typing on the computer non-stop.
"Are there any life forms Dr. McKay?" asked Teyla.
"The sensors are picking up two," he answered. "Whoever made it was a lot more technologically advanced than I thought."
"What? Why?" asked John.
"I've just hacked into their computer system," said Rodney. "Its an AI."
"The ship has a mind of its own?" asked Ford.
"I don't like the sound of that," said John. "It might think we're a threat."
"I'm trying to convince it to let us dock," muttered Rodney.
"Dock?" asked John.
"Yes Major dock," came the tense reply. "You know so we can actually have a look around."
"I still don't like the sound of this," said John.
*
It was down right ugly. The walls were painted battleship grey and covered in smooth looking panels that reminded Rodney of the submarines in old war movies, it was all very clean and simple. Yet over it all was the feeling of disrepair ... and the eerie feeling that they were being watched. It was clear that he wasn't the only one who had noticed the sensation of the hairs standing up on the back of his neck, because Sheppard was as tense as he had been in that damn hive ship. Behind him Ford and Teyla were walking in silence, but he could practically feel the tension radiating from them.
"So where are the life signs?" John's voice cut into Rodney's thoughts, causing him to jump and scowl at the man.
"Towards the front of the ship," he answered, pointing down the long hall.
At that moment there was the sound of a small motor and something came hurtling out of a doorway further up the hallway. It was about waist high with a rectangular body and a bird like head that ended in a claw. With a whir of its motor the robot turned in a circle and hurtled down the hallway in the opposite direction. Turning his head, Rodney saw Ford lift his P90 and aim at the retreating robot.
"Don't," he hissed. "It might be part of the AI, do you really want to piss it off?"
Ford seemed to contemplate that for a moment, before lowering the gun with a shake of his head.
"Come on, lets follow it," said John, gesturing for his team to follow him at a trot as he jogged after the grey hunk of metal. In fact he was so caught up in chasing his quarry that he didn't even notice the tall man until he had run straight through him. Rodney came to a skidding halt at the sight of that, knowing that his jaw had dropped open.
"Holy shit," muttered Ford in his ear as the younger man stopped behind him.
"McKay," said John slowly from where he was standing staring at the man. "What is it?"
The man scowled at that, and turned to Rodney. That was when the scientist noticed the slight aura around him, and the large silver H on his forehead.
"A hologram," he said. "it's a hologram ... and a highly sophisticated one at that."
The man contemplated them for a moment more, and then did something totally unexpected.
"Aliens!" he exclaimed. He had a thick English accent, rather like Peter Grodin's, and the expression on his face reminded Rodney of Radek that time he had discovered the Ancient porn database. "I knew it!"
"Aliens?" hissed Ford. "It thinks we're aliens?"
"To him we most probably are," said Teyla calmly.
"Listy can't laugh at me this time," the man was ranting, clapping his hands together happily. "Holly!" He looked up into thin air. "Prepare the quarantine lab, and set up the dissection equipment!"
"Whoa man ... dissection?" demanded Ford, stepping forward and glancing at his CO.
"Nobody is going to be dissecting anything," said John, moving so as to stand directly in front of the hologram. "I'm Major John Sheppard."
The man regraded him for a moment.
"Arnold J. Rimmer ... Technician Second class ... BSC ... SSC."
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded Rodney.
"It means bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate." It was said in a smug drawl and in an accent far thicker than the hologram possessed, causing Rodney to swing around bumping into Teyla as he did so and falling to the floor with a 'thnk'.
Another man stood behind them, a grin on his rather chubby face. He was much shorter than the other man, with darker skin and a ponytail of dreadlocks falling down his back. With a glance at the life signs detector, Rodney saw that this dirty creature in front of him was alive.
Part Two
Author: Nightchaser_sla
Rating: NC17
Crossover with: Red Dwarf
Summary: To Rodney it was kind of fitting that the last human being in existance, 3 million years in the future, was a trolley-boy from Liverpool. Somewhere the Ancients were laughing at the irony of it all.
"The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch. "
- Rimmer, Parallel Universe
Major John Sheppard stared out of the puddlejumper and at the enormous red craft that stretched out as far as the eye could see. The thing was easily the size of a wraith hive ship ... maybe even larger.
"So what is it?" he asked, glancing at the man seated in the co-pilots seat.
"A spaceship Major," answered Dr. Rodney McKay, not even looking up from the laptop on his knee.
"We are aware of that Dr. McKay," came Teyla's gentle voice from behind them. "What I think the Major is asking is how did it get here?"
At that Rodney looked up, frown lines creasing his brow as he mulled that question over.
"There was some sort of energy surge," he answered. "And then the sensors picked up that this ..." He waved at the ship orbiting their planet. " ... had turned up."
"What?" demanded Ford. "Just like that?"
"Basically yes."
"So it could be wraith?" asked John.
"Uh no," said Rodney. "It doesn't even look remotely like wraith technology."
"You've got a point Doc," said Ford. "It looks like something you'd find in the dump."
John slowly nodded his head, the spaceship had the air of total neglect with its scarlet red paint fading in areas and the hint of rust here and there. It definitely wasn't wraith ... or ancient for that matter.
"So who made it?" he asked.
That merely got him a shrug from Rodney, who continued typing on the computer non-stop.
"Are there any life forms Dr. McKay?" asked Teyla.
"The sensors are picking up two," he answered. "Whoever made it was a lot more technologically advanced than I thought."
"What? Why?" asked John.
"I've just hacked into their computer system," said Rodney. "Its an AI."
"The ship has a mind of its own?" asked Ford.
"I don't like the sound of that," said John. "It might think we're a threat."
"I'm trying to convince it to let us dock," muttered Rodney.
"Dock?" asked John.
"Yes Major dock," came the tense reply. "You know so we can actually have a look around."
"I still don't like the sound of this," said John.
*
It was down right ugly. The walls were painted battleship grey and covered in smooth looking panels that reminded Rodney of the submarines in old war movies, it was all very clean and simple. Yet over it all was the feeling of disrepair ... and the eerie feeling that they were being watched. It was clear that he wasn't the only one who had noticed the sensation of the hairs standing up on the back of his neck, because Sheppard was as tense as he had been in that damn hive ship. Behind him Ford and Teyla were walking in silence, but he could practically feel the tension radiating from them.
"So where are the life signs?" John's voice cut into Rodney's thoughts, causing him to jump and scowl at the man.
"Towards the front of the ship," he answered, pointing down the long hall.
At that moment there was the sound of a small motor and something came hurtling out of a doorway further up the hallway. It was about waist high with a rectangular body and a bird like head that ended in a claw. With a whir of its motor the robot turned in a circle and hurtled down the hallway in the opposite direction. Turning his head, Rodney saw Ford lift his P90 and aim at the retreating robot.
"Don't," he hissed. "It might be part of the AI, do you really want to piss it off?"
Ford seemed to contemplate that for a moment, before lowering the gun with a shake of his head.
"Come on, lets follow it," said John, gesturing for his team to follow him at a trot as he jogged after the grey hunk of metal. In fact he was so caught up in chasing his quarry that he didn't even notice the tall man until he had run straight through him. Rodney came to a skidding halt at the sight of that, knowing that his jaw had dropped open.
"Holy shit," muttered Ford in his ear as the younger man stopped behind him.
"McKay," said John slowly from where he was standing staring at the man. "What is it?"
The man scowled at that, and turned to Rodney. That was when the scientist noticed the slight aura around him, and the large silver H on his forehead.
"A hologram," he said. "it's a hologram ... and a highly sophisticated one at that."
The man contemplated them for a moment more, and then did something totally unexpected.
"Aliens!" he exclaimed. He had a thick English accent, rather like Peter Grodin's, and the expression on his face reminded Rodney of Radek that time he had discovered the Ancient porn database. "I knew it!"
"Aliens?" hissed Ford. "It thinks we're aliens?"
"To him we most probably are," said Teyla calmly.
"Listy can't laugh at me this time," the man was ranting, clapping his hands together happily. "Holly!" He looked up into thin air. "Prepare the quarantine lab, and set up the dissection equipment!"
"Whoa man ... dissection?" demanded Ford, stepping forward and glancing at his CO.
"Nobody is going to be dissecting anything," said John, moving so as to stand directly in front of the hologram. "I'm Major John Sheppard."
The man regraded him for a moment.
"Arnold J. Rimmer ... Technician Second class ... BSC ... SSC."
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded Rodney.
"It means bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate." It was said in a smug drawl and in an accent far thicker than the hologram possessed, causing Rodney to swing around bumping into Teyla as he did so and falling to the floor with a 'thnk'.
Another man stood behind them, a grin on his rather chubby face. He was much shorter than the other man, with darker skin and a ponytail of dreadlocks falling down his back. With a glance at the life signs detector, Rodney saw that this dirty creature in front of him was alive.
Part Two