MOVIESTICK: Day of the Dead (2008)
This is a return to form for me, and I am way excited about it. Generation Kill is not really the most mockable text/fandom (especially in comparison to the barrel of mock-mockitty-mock-mock that is TW) so I have been really dying to point and laugh at something at least a little related. And I also miss Firesticking :(
Low and behold, TPTB dropped Day of the Dead (2008) right into my lap, which allows me to combine several of my favourite things: mocking, zombies and Stark Sands. Heaven!
I've been using this post as a way to motivate myself to get to 10k on a fic for so long I HAD TO GO BACK AND MAKE SURE I DIDN'T MAKE ANY NOW-DATED TOPICAL REFERENCES. But it's here!! So let us all pull our faces out of Alexander Skarsgard's butt (BUT HE POOPS RAINBOWS!!!) and mock something ridiculous and Standzombietastic.
WARNING: CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING: SPOILERS, CAPSLOCK, A LOT OF BIG FUCKING PICTURES, MS PAINT DRAWINGS, IMMATURITY, GORE, GRATUITOUS (ACTUALLY THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE) AMOUNTS OF STARK SANDS' FACE
Okay, so. First thing's first:
No, no, no. This is probably the biggest mistake this movie could have made, since it's either not a remake at all (my vote), or the worst remake in the history of the world. Seriously, they say this:
I say: No. Any of the details they're cribbed from the original are so small I'm probably not even going to end up mentioning them as coming from it. If you're interested, you can do a side-by-side watch yourself.
So, since it's not really DotD, and calling it that does the movie a disservice, we're not going to call it that. From now on:
There. I feel better. Onwards and brainwards!
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Stark Sands!
Totes not Stark Sands, but has a purdy face.
And then blah blah some other people. We begin out in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where things are clearly getting romancey for some teenagers.
Nina and Trevor
Kyle and uh, well, let's just say her name's not very important
In another part of town (not lit by candles), things are much less romancey.
Fortunately, Ving Rhames and Mena Suvari/Sarah are in charge, telling you to gtfo with your sick son.
Seriously, if I ever have a kid and he gets the flu and looks like that, he's getting left on the side of the road. Sorry, future baby. We'll be back when the apocalypse is over, and if you're still around we'll hang out.
Back at romance cabin, Nina and Trevor decide that this is not their paradise and instead, they'd like to make-out on a couch closer to home. This is right after Kyle gets a nosebleed on his girlfriend. ROMANCE! FORESHADOWING!
Also, the military is controlling the radio station! DAMN YOU, MILITARY! LET US PLAY OUR ROCK AND/OR ROLL MUSIC!
Because she got bled on, Unnamed Girlfriend decides to walk home. Dumb. In case you didn't know that this was a zombie movie, this is where they make their entrance.
+
=
Back at the roadblock, a Humvee shows up. Now, many of you will have made the same association I did. Humvee=hot menz. Luckily, we're not wrong.
Nick Cannon/Salazar, who is actually not awful in this, and some guy we'll never see again after this scene.
AND!!!!!1one!
Aw, hello, baby. You are so awkward and twelve and lolarious and a complete puppy. Also this cap makes it look like his major malfunction is constipation :(
[Quick side note: How in the baby-soft hell does Stark Sands stay so young-looking? Baby blood? Eight litres of water a day and a 400pm bedtime? Suspicious painting in the attic? Tender make-outs with Alexander Skarsgård (HAHAHA...:'D). However he's doing it, he looks like he's my age, which is maybe creepy, but also adorable. CREEPDORBS]
ANYBABYFACE. Sarah commandeers Stark Sands' character to drive the Humvee on an impromptu roadtrip. This upsets Salazar and delights Stark Sands. He's sassy about it.
They have banter while they drive where Stark Sands is hilariously lame and foot-in-mouth ("Seems like a real shithole," he says, looking out the window. "Where we going, anyway?" Sarah: "My house." "OH, SO YOU'RE FROM HERE?" S: "Born and raised." "WELL IT'S KIND OF A CHARMING SHITHOLE."), we find out Stark Sands is playing a dude named Bud Crain, and he's only been in the military for seven months. Aww. By the end of the ride we get this:
Which, in case you can't tell what's going on, I've illustrated it for you.
Oh my god, drawing those hearts over his eyes creeped me out so much, I can't even tell you. He just wants to be loved, okay? IT IS TOTALLY LOGICAL AND MAKES SENSE!
Sarah busts in on Nina and Trevor having sweet, sweet teenage intimacy on the couch and then fights with Trevor. Because they don't get along. Because apparently zombies aren't enough conflict in a film. So they clash and will never get along unless they're forced to by impending doom. OH WAIT. After yelling at each other, it's decided that Sarah and Bud will go check on Kyle, since he bled all over his girlfriend (RIP, UG). We also find out that their mom is sick (FORESHADOWING) and that apparently Brad Colbert was their dad.
I mean, REALLY. LOOK AT HIM. Brad Colbert is so awesome he went back in time and space, humped a fictional woman, had a fictional family and died a hero to be remembered in one shot in a direct-to-DVD zombie movie. All while maintaining his presence in this reality. SWOON!
NIGHTTIME'S A-COMING. OH NO.
Bud and Sarah get to Kyle's house, which is trashed and bloody. It would be suspenseful, except it's not. Not with Stark Sands hovering in the background making wee little HO SHIT OH SHIT faces. And arming himself with a kitchen knife (a relatively poor zombie tool, fyi)?
As it turns out, there aren't any bodies on the floor, but they are propped up behind the curtains. And they fall on Bud and he honest-to-god SCREAMS and FLAILS AROUND ON THE FLOOR. I took some screencaps but they DO NOT do it justice. I seriously gleeclapped all over the place when I saw it.
Bud spends the rest of the scene looking ridiculously horrified. AND CUTE.
The above is exactly how I imagine a scandalized cat would look.
They go back to Casa Colbert and pick up Trevor and Nina and Mommy and head to the hospital, which is full of people who look like this:
And for some reason, this poor-person's Spike is there.
Salazar shows up, Sarah gets called away by Ving Rhames to describe the bodies in Kyle's house to a doctor and Nina and Trevor go to see Nina's parents, who are also here. Bud stays with Mommy, and they have quite the inappropriate conversation.
Bud: Sarah's great, isn't she?
Mommy: I wish she were around more.
B: Um, does she have a boyfriend?
M: She's hot, huh?
B: She's SO HOT. D'you think she'd ever go out with a Private?
Me: I'MA GO GET IN THE SHOWER WITH MY CLOTHES ON, KAY?
And then she just...stops. All the sick people do. DUN DUN DUN.
Meanwhile, Sarah meets Captain Jack Harkness. Wait. Wait. Here he's Dr. Logan.
See? Completely different. Suit=different. What he wants to know is, did the wounds on the bodies look like bite marks? DUUUNNNN!
Like Mommy, Nina's dad has stopped too. ZOMBIE TIME!!!
Uh, yeah. He eats the side of Nina's mom's face. Yeah.
Due to zombies, the power goes out and MAYHEM ENSUES!
Exactly how a zombie riding in the back of a truck is symbolic of MAYHEM, I'll never know. But it is.
And now! A brief moment of zombie-elitism! When it comes to zombies I am fiercely traditional. In my world, zombies are shambling, clumsy creatures with little ability to form logical thought. They can't talk, do math or even run. DNW these or 28 Days Later zombies. So, I pretty much 100% disagree with the zombies in this movie. I haven't completely blown a gasket on this movie because their rule-breaking is usually for the lulz/involves Stark Sands so it's forgiven.
The power flickers at the radio station, and the DJ says he's going home, but he and the soldier discover the MAYHEM, and the soldier gets eaten. The DJ, unsurprisingly, decides to stay inside the station.
Nina and Trevor flee the hospital, after being disgusted by the idea that zombies can crawl across the ceiling. Seriously, WHAT.
Ving Rhames, Dr. Logan, Bud and Sarah get locked in a ward and Ving Rhames decides to take on about eight zombies. Three guesses what happens to him? His death buys them enough time to hide in a supply closet. Bud almost gets eaten because Dr. Logan is a pushy jerk, but Sarah punches the zombie in the face and the only thing that's lost are the Humvee keys. And then this happens:
It's not really as subtexty as my cap makes it look, but whatever. I find that straws fit nicely in my hand. I enjoy holding them and looking at what looks like Matt Rippy watching Stark Sands' mouth.
TIME'S PASSING!
Nina and Trevor set their sights on the radio station. It looks so heavenly compared to the zombie infested woods, with its blue sign and its human passing by the window.
In the supply closet, Sarah starts building molotov cocktails (just wait to see how these are used) and Dr. Logan gets his complain on about Bud and Sarah's lack of weaponry. Bud doesn't have a gun because giving guns to babies is wrong. Or he's in communications and their weapons are phones and computers and telegrams. For the second time in the film, Sarah says that she carries a weapon, but it's never loaded. It's never revealed why, but I think the implication they're going for (and the one I got) is that at some point she went mental and did something bad. Because we all know ladies can't hack it in the Army, amirite? Our periods attract bears, for god's sake!
They also discover that Bud lost the Humvee keys but Ving Rhames' Humvee is within sight from the window (although the keys are on his "person").
Nina and Trevor make it to the radio station. They join the DJ and this couple (who had the sick son at the beginning of the film [Notice the lack of him now. Should have ditched him!]):
Back at Zombie Hospital, Sarah and Bud crawl through the air shafts in order to get to where they left Ving Rhames and also avoid zombies. It is really hard to get good caps of people crawling around in vents so all I have is two shots, one of Stands through the grate (just before a zombie jumps at him and he yells, "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!" Many more HO SHIT faces follow), and one of what happened to Ving Rhames.
When they get into the room they get the keys and find Salazar who has been randomly hiding in the closet.
(Aside: It's kind of terrible, but I get a strange enjoyment out of Salazar calling Bud "Bitch" 7000 times in this film. IDEK. But it's not the weirdest thing I liked, which is coming soon)
Sadly for them, Ving Rhames is unalive and well. They start retreating back into the air shaft, just as he wakes up, eats his own eye, and starts to pursue them.
And so begins this frantic, incredibly hilarious chase scene through the vents. There's Ving Rhames' zombie impression, which includes barking sounds, zombies banging on the roof with brooms (Jesus Christ I almost DIED LAUGHING), Sarah hanging out of the shaft and flailing, and finally Salazar's heroism.
Then!
NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! VING RHAMES BIT BABYFACE. HDUUUUUU! ;______;
Oh, who am I kidding? I enjoy his boypain immensely. And his frantic moaning of "Ohfuck, he got me," pleases me. And so does his screaming when Sarah pours bleach on his wound. Twisted, right?
That's not even the best part! Salazar decides he should shoot Bud to save them any trouble. He and Sarah fight about it while Bud cries and cowers and I look on with GLEE.
SO MANY CAPS, SERIOUSLY. HAHA...OH GOD. ARE MY KINKS SHOWING? I WANT TO DRAW SPARKLY HEARTS AROUND STARK SANDS' FACE IN THAT LAST CAP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Make custom Glitter Graphics
There we go. I'll drink his tears while you all have Blingee-seizures.
Finally, after much yelling and boytears, Sarah and Salazar come to an agreement: if Bud turns, Sarah will shoot him. I know it's so Old Yeller, but I love seeing that in zombie movies. It's my kind of tenderness (YOU'LL SEE IT AGAIN. FROM ME.)
Babyface looks darn relieved. And sweet.
At the radio station, Trevor sends out a message begging for someone to rescue them. Guess who hears it?
MOMMY DOES!
Goddamn, these stories need to join up already. *insert generic zinger about not liking to switch*
In the closet, team Ridiculous is prepping to leave, filling up their pants with molotov cocktails and building the occasional spear. Bud gets owned by Salazar and I fail at drawing penises in Paint.
Bud: Sweet spear.
Salazar: You see a black man with a sharp stick and it's supposed to be a spear?
Bud: Oh no! *sputters all over the place*
They bust out, start kicking some zombie ass, Dr. Jerkface escapes to his own car (jeeerk) and use their molotov cocktails.
In this world, zombies burst when you light them on fire. Yeaaah. No. Unfortunately, this counts as FORESHADOWING. Ugggh. My eye just started twitching.
When they get to the Humvee, Bud takes a moment to contemplate his bite and make a sad puppy face. WILL THAT BE YOU, BABY? WILL IT?
Finally! Action at the radio station! Nina discovers an important clue. Bloody kleenex!
As we all know, when the zombie virus is dissolving your brain, you start to bleed out of your face. So, WHO WAS IT?
WAS IT THE DJ?
WAS IT MR. OR MRS. WHATSTHEIRFACES?
THE ANSWER WILL SURPRISE YOU. FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIE MURDER THEATRE!
On the cool side of the tracks, Sarah, Salazar and Bud drive to the most amazing place to go in a zombocalypse.
They go inside, and leave Bud in the Humvee. But since he's bitten and can't be trusted/someone in the industry fucking loves me, they tie his hands with zip ties and he makes some more puppy faces (and bleeds :<).
"Get me a gun too." FORESHADOWING!
NOW ON ZOMBIE MURDER THEATRE! IT WAS THE DJ! Don't worry, he gets dispatched with minimal pomp and circumstance.
Sarah and Salazar do a thorough raid on the gunshop, and even find the Holy Grail of zombie weapons:
Which is so amazing it is WALL-MOUNTED AND LIT. THIS FILM IS A PARAGON OF DELICATE SYMBOLISM!
They also discover they have the Holy Grail of zombies in their Humvee: the vegetarian zombie!
He's still cute though, so they keep him and roar off into the night. Their getaway is interrupted by an urgent message. From Trevor. Sarah chooses this moment to cherish her brother, and pulls a huge U-turn. Why? "It's my brother," Sarah says. "Your brother's a DJ?" Salazar asks incredulously, holding onto the dashboard.
Trevor's frustrated by this whole "zombocalypse" thing, so he decides to look broody by the window. Except when he looks out, guess who he sees?
That's right. MOMMY!!
Because he's a fucking moron, Trevor decides to go "save" Mommy. When he and Nina rush downstairs, we find out that Mr. And Mrs. Whatstheirfaces lied about the bleeding. Mrs. Whatstheirfaces is infected. But don't tell. Shhh.
Trevor runs outside to greet his mother only to see the truth:
Bonus: this is my desktop background! No one has any clue what the haaale it is
And then Sarah hits Mommy with the Humvee. CHA-CHING! I literally went "FFFFFTTT!" in surprised hilarity the first time I watched it.
Nina gets sent to go collect the Whatstheirfaces and she discovers they've had a bit of a spousal disagreement. Namely, Mrs. has eated Mr. :(
And Nina's next. Unless she and Mrs. get in a knockdown-dragout brawl that ends with her getting pitched out the window.
Salazar then shoots the shit out of her and they blow that popsicle stand. Salazar calls Bud "Thriller" which is hilarious and we have Bud's heart eyes for Sarah reinforced.
There's also thing whole thing going on where zombies "retain some part of who they used to be," hence Bud not eating them and making moonfaces at Sarah and Mommy going to find Trevor. Salazar illustrates the point by giving Bud a ten-hut and Bud doing it. I don't know why, but it kind of skeeves me out.
They drive to the military checkpoint to see if anyone else is around. There aren't any people, but there are zombies who can fire guns. Perhaps this is foreshadowing? PERHAPS. That's pretty bad news bears so they wisely decide to gtfo.
They need to get out of town, and decide to take the fire road. Along the way Trevor and Sarah get into a fight, and it turns out their chafing is due to a failed bike shop. Fuckin' lame.
Then they hit Kyle. OR: Someone managed to take a picture of my nightmares.
No, I kid. Most of my nightmares involve me falling off a floating green island in the Mushroom Kingdom. ANYWAY. Humvee gets wrecked and now they have to walk. They keep Bud. Why? Because he's cute "Because he might be useful." REAL SUBTLE, FILM.
There's also more creepy misusing of Bud. Skeeeevy. But I'm really enjoying Stark Sands' make-up. I enjoy the progression from human to zombie, charted in skin sores and bleeding orifices.
After a short jaunt through the woods, they take cover in what might be the romance cabin from the beginning of the film. They call it something, but for the life of me I could not pick it out. It sounds like Nikey SAT? I fail at English as a first language.
Then they spend some more time hammering in how much Bud "likes" Sarah (And the incredible pleasure Salazar gets from teasing Bud). DNW. Zombies =/= people. People like people. Zombies are mostly-braindead walking food processors. They do not think about Mena Suvari's ass, even if they are a once-cutiepants veg. zombie. It was cute for about five seconds, and then my skin started crawling. Zombies/People, I do not ship it. Yes, amberlynne you have found the one thing I don't ship.
That finally ends, and there's more Trevor+Sarah antagonism while they block the door. Suddenly!
Bud starts bellowing because there are other zombies on the way and he's trying to...gather them ("ZOMBIES! ROT AND ROLL OUT!")? Warn the people? I don't know. It's not clear. This film makes less sense every minute.
The zombies bust in and everyone whose heart beats runs like fuck. Bud acts like a guard dog (Okay, aw. Shhhhh). They descend underground and end up in...a very pristine and deserted lab.
Salazar: *looking around* A Puffy video
They're "not alone" though, so Sarah and Salazar go exploring. Guess who they find?
That's right. Dr. Hot Jerkface. And he's shredding some documents. WHAT DOCUMENTS? IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HE KNOWS SOMETHING.
EXPLAIN!
As it turns out, Project Wildfire involves studying biological agents. BUT DOING WHAT?
Nina and Trevor uncover a video made by the head scientist, where he, covered in blood, explains that the virus has mutated and all the scientists are infected. Luckily, he's killed everyone and sealed the lab. Except it still got out. And then he turns into a zombie.
Dr. Logan further explains that this was supposed to be a military weapon, designed to paralyze people for a handful of hours, allowing them to be captured instead of killed. Too bad it turns them into zombies instead.
And too bad the head scientists is still around.
That is what a science degree gets you, kids. A hankering for brains. Useless arts students only ever crave free food, tv and conversations about theory.
There are zombies upstairs and the head scientist, who's apparently a super-zombie, so they need to gtfo. Problem? Only one door, and it's covered in zombies. Luckily, Salazar (who's basically the smartest person in this film) says, "Hey. We're in a building with missile silos. Let's get out that way."
I applaud his logic, and Dr. Logan gets pulled into the roof by Dr. Engel via some gymnastic shit and robbed of his chest. Mm-mmm good.
Committing one of the great horror movie faux-pas, they split up to try and find a silo. Nina and Trevor Vs. Sarah and Salazar. Long story short, Salazar gets eaten. You were sometimes a good man, Salazar. You will be missed for about the next thirty seconds.
Sarah finds Trevor and Nina and the concoct the most idiotic plan to get out I've ever seen. They're going to use missile propulsion tanks to create a giant flamethrower and burn the zombies. Because that would not end in a giant explosion and we all knows zombies burst when fire is applied. wuuuuut.
There's a moment that would be touching if I was at all interested in the sibling backstory, but I'm not so it wasn't, and Sarah goes out on bait-duty. She almost gets eaten, but in a surprise twist, she totally doesn't. Why?
That's right! Bud! Our tofu-loving, gun-firin' deus ex machina. Gosh, I love a good romance.
Haha, it's not to be though. Mostly because the other zombies rip his head off.
It's still romantic. Romeo and Juliet, except even creepier.
Myeah myeah myeah, run run run, yell yell yell, illogical fire.
Ah, sweet freedom. They drive off in Dr. Logan's car just as the sun rises, listening to the radio tell them that everything's going to be juuuust fine. :]
JUST KIDDING. EVERYTHING WILL NEVER BE OKAY!
Final verdict: Not actually as shitty as you might think. But still occasionally shitty. Fails at riding Romero's coattails, but wins at Stark Sands' face. Fairly hilarious, often unintentionally. B-.
In case you have no idea what I just spent however long talking about, here's Day of the Dead 2008 on Wikipedia. Knowledge is power!
All caps are taken by me, but all I did is press Ctrl+Alt+S whenever I felt like it, so feel free to right-click and save whatever you want.
And finally, uh, here's some ridiculous AU, crossover porn. It is even angsty! I KNOW, WHAAAAT. DON'T JUDGE ME.
Title: Eats You Up Inside
Author: nightanddaze
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Brad Colbert/Bud Crain, allusions to Brad/Nate
Word Count: 1366
Summary: When you can't have what you want, take what you can get
Notes: Crossover between Generation Kill and Day of the Dead (2008). No, I do not need to go to the mental hospital. I promise. No spoilers for either.
They’re on libo in Hawaii, have been for about an hour. Ray’s practically been shitting his pants the whole time, bouncing around Brad like a vulgar little dog, yap yap yapping.
“Dude, let’s go get fucking wasted. No, wait, let's go get laid. Not by the same people or anything. I don’t need your fucking germs on my dick. I’ve got it. Wasted, then fucked. Yeah. Yeah! What do you want to do?”
Brad stops, right in the middle of the street. Ray goes three steps ahead and then jerks back, just like he’s on a leash.
Sighing gustily, Brad says, “I want you to shut up.”
Ray puts his hands on his hips. “Fine. And then?”
“Wasted, then fucked.”
*
Brad’s not sure what he’s looking for, but he’ll know when he finds it. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely in this bar, because it’s full of Army jerkoffs. No one’s in uniform, but most of the bar stinks of desperation and subpar training.
There’s also the glaring, not that Brad gives a shit. He’s been stuck with Ray for the past three months. Glaring is his number one hobby. He’s got all these assholes beat, hands down.
Hopefully that’s all he has to do. Ray’s…somewhere, out of sight and sound, hopefully not getting into more trouble than he’s worth. That’s the last thing Brad needs.
He shouldn’t have agreed to this. He could have gone anywhere else. Maybe he could have gone to see Nate, filled up his couch and drank his beer.
Or perhaps considering what happened last time, probably not. One unreciprocated, humiliating kiss and one night spent wandering the streets was enough to wound Brad’s pride for a good long time.
Just thinking about it makes Brad turn right around and order another beer. When he thinks about the part where Nate looked betrayed and scandalized he changes his order to two beers and a shot of tequila.
He does the shot and drinks one of the beers without taking a breath or turning from the bar. Then he takes a deep dry breath and turns around.
Turns around and promptly slams into someone. He loses his beer and it explodes when it hits the floor. Brad watches passively as the foam and glass hit his jeans.
“Oh, Jesus, sorry about that.”
Brad looks up, and he stares. It’s Nate. Or it would be if Nate went back in time a few years, taught himself to give off pussy vibes and then joined the Army.
Okay, so it’s mostly a physical thing, but that’s fucking bang-on. Big green eyes, mouth made for fucking, long lean muscles. He could be Nate’s little brother.
“What’s your name?” Brad barks.
“Bud Crain. Private Bud Crain,” the kid stutters. Some people around them are watching, maybe wondering what it’d be like to see a Devil Dog rip some kid a new one.
Brad keeps staring at him. The name’s not right, but that doesn’t mean much. He sincerely hopes this is not how Nate’s gonna end up finding out his dad fucked around on his mom.
The kid bites his lip nervously. Brad decides not to speak of it to Nate, since pretty soon the story’s going to involve Brad fucking Nate’s would-be brother.
“Well,” Brad prompts.
“Uh. Sorry. Let me buy you another one?” The kid tries a smile, soft and pink.
Brad smiles back at him before he turns to the bar again and says, “Two shots. Now.”
He lied before. He knows what he’s looking for, but he can’t have it. Luckily he’s a Marine, and therefore used to being fucked around and not given what he needs. He’ll make do with a great substitute.
*
Twelve shots, no small talk, a lot of eyefucking.
*
Brad keeps his hands to himself until they get to the kid’s hotel room. It’s a dingy gutterfuck hole in the wall, but at least there’s only one bed. No worries about some pimply-faced little asshole jerking off in the bed beside theirs.
The kid goes for the light but Brad slams him into the wall, pins him at the hips. He’s hard, already squirming against Brad’s thigh.
He strains up for Brad’s mouth, brushing over, but Brad tilts away. Lips touch his jaw and trace down his neck, hard against his stubble. Brad doesn’t feel bad about gripping his shoulder and pushing him down.
The kid - Crain - folds right in half, pushing his face against Brad’s crotch, breathing heavily, shaky fingers scrabbling over Brad’s button and zip.
Brad helps him with one hand and touches his head with the other. His hair is regulation length, scrubby-soft, and the back of his neck is a little damp.
As far as blowjobs go it’s nothing special, slow and clumsy, dry from too much alcohol. But Crain’s earnest, bobbing carefully, sometimes pausing to suckle the head. Every once in a while his hips sway forward, cock brushing Brad’s shin.
Brad closes his eyes and thinks about another place and time, another man. He’s drunk enough to not feel guilty about it.
They fuck on the bed, bedcovers and clothes mostly on. The kid mewls and whimpers, his face pressed into the duvet. He shivers when Brad pulls his hips high and leans into him hard, coming without a touch, begging Brad for anything at all.
When they’re done the kid wriggles out of his clothes, palming Brad’s bare thigh drowsily, sinking down into the bed. He shifts over so he’s more on one side than in the centre, leaving plenty of room for Brad there next to him.
Brad doesn’t take the offer. He slips off the condom, pulls up his pants and goes to the bathroom, not bothering with a light. When he gets out it’s dark and silent, save for the sound of deep, even breathing.
He gets the fuck out of there, and doesn’t think about anything on his walk back.
*
The next morning, Brad meets Ray at a scrappy little diner that’s full to the brim of hungover grunts. Ray’s one of them. He’s bleary and bitching, slumped in the corner of the booth, shredding his pancakes with a fork.
“Fuck, I drank way too much last night,” Ray moans, squishing a blueberry under his fork.
Brad hums in response, working through his breakfast methodically, glancing around the diner. Aside from theirs, only one other table has Marines at it. The rest is Army. They eat like fucking animals.
“And, man,” Ray complains, sharpening his squint into a glare, “where the fuck did you go?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Brad sees him. That guy, that fucking kid, staring at Brad over the rim of his water glass.
Brad freezes, just for a second. Ray doesn’t notice, but the kid does.
He fucking smiles. Small and hopeful, not just like he wants to fuck again, but like he’s half in love with Brad.
Brad looks away, sets his mouth into a stone line, looking at Ray.
“I fucked that guy,” he says, pointing with his fork across the diner. Ray squirms around in his seat to take a look and the kid stares at them blankly, mouth just a little open. Brad tries not to think about fucking that mouth.
Ray roars with laughter, still looking. “Right. What a bitch. You know he’s the type who’d beg for your dick even with all the pussy on the planet laid out for him.”
“Well,” Brad says gently, “I am the Iceman.”
“Yeah, and he’s in the Army.” Ray finally faces Brad again, his face lit up. He scoops up a forkful of pancake ruins and shoves them into his mouth. “Pussies and two-beer queers, one and all.”
Brad snorts, hunching back over his eggs. They taste like plastic. He waits thirty seconds before he looks up again. He’s just in time to see the kid look away, his sweet, wide-open face turning down and in and his shoulders climbing. A flush rises up his neck, over his jaw, even on the bridge of his nose.
There’s enough hurt on his face for the both of them, but that doesn’t stop Brad from feeling guilty.
Low and behold, TPTB dropped Day of the Dead (2008) right into my lap, which allows me to combine several of my favourite things: mocking, zombies and Stark Sands. Heaven!
I've been using this post as a way to motivate myself to get to 10k on a fic for so long I HAD TO GO BACK AND MAKE SURE I DIDN'T MAKE ANY NOW-DATED TOPICAL REFERENCES. But it's here!! So let us all pull our faces out of Alexander Skarsgard's butt (BUT HE POOPS RAINBOWS!!!) and mock something ridiculous and Standzombietastic.
WARNING: CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING: SPOILERS, CAPSLOCK, A LOT OF BIG FUCKING PICTURES, MS PAINT DRAWINGS, IMMATURITY, GORE, GRATUITOUS (ACTUALLY THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE) AMOUNTS OF STARK SANDS' FACE
Okay, so. First thing's first:
No, no, no. This is probably the biggest mistake this movie could have made, since it's either not a remake at all (my vote), or the worst remake in the history of the world. Seriously, they say this:
I say: No. Any of the details they're cribbed from the original are so small I'm probably not even going to end up mentioning them as coming from it. If you're interested, you can do a side-by-side watch yourself.
So, since it's not really DotD, and calling it that does the movie a disservice, we're not going to call it that. From now on:
There. I feel better. Onwards and brainwards!
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Not Stark Sands.
Stark Sands!
Totes not Stark Sands, but has a purdy face.
And then blah blah some other people. We begin out in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where things are clearly getting romancey for some teenagers.
Nina and Trevor
Kyle and uh, well, let's just say her name's not very important
In another part of town (not lit by candles), things are much less romancey.
Fortunately, Ving Rhames and Mena Suvari/Sarah are in charge, telling you to gtfo with your sick son.
Seriously, if I ever have a kid and he gets the flu and looks like that, he's getting left on the side of the road. Sorry, future baby. We'll be back when the apocalypse is over, and if you're still around we'll hang out.
Back at romance cabin, Nina and Trevor decide that this is not their paradise and instead, they'd like to make-out on a couch closer to home. This is right after Kyle gets a nosebleed on his girlfriend. ROMANCE! FORESHADOWING!
Also, the military is controlling the radio station! DAMN YOU, MILITARY! LET US PLAY OUR ROCK AND/OR ROLL MUSIC!
Because she got bled on, Unnamed Girlfriend decides to walk home. Dumb. In case you didn't know that this was a zombie movie, this is where they make their entrance.
+
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Back at the roadblock, a Humvee shows up. Now, many of you will have made the same association I did. Humvee=hot menz. Luckily, we're not wrong.
Nick Cannon/Salazar, who is actually not awful in this, and some guy we'll never see again after this scene.
AND!!!!!1one!
Aw, hello, baby. You are so awkward and twelve and lolarious and a complete puppy. Also this cap makes it look like his major malfunction is constipation :(
[Quick side note: How in the baby-soft hell does Stark Sands stay so young-looking? Baby blood? Eight litres of water a day and a 400pm bedtime? Suspicious painting in the attic? Tender make-outs with Alexander Skarsgård (HAHAHA...:'D). However he's doing it, he looks like he's my age, which is maybe creepy, but also adorable. CREEPDORBS]
ANYBABYFACE. Sarah commandeers Stark Sands' character to drive the Humvee on an impromptu roadtrip. This upsets Salazar and delights Stark Sands. He's sassy about it.
They have banter while they drive where Stark Sands is hilariously lame and foot-in-mouth ("Seems like a real shithole," he says, looking out the window. "Where we going, anyway?" Sarah: "My house." "OH, SO YOU'RE FROM HERE?" S: "Born and raised." "WELL IT'S KIND OF A CHARMING SHITHOLE."), we find out Stark Sands is playing a dude named Bud Crain, and he's only been in the military for seven months. Aww. By the end of the ride we get this:
Which, in case you can't tell what's going on, I've illustrated it for you.
Oh my god, drawing those hearts over his eyes creeped me out so much, I can't even tell you. He just wants to be loved, okay? IT IS TOTALLY LOGICAL AND MAKES SENSE!
Sarah busts in on Nina and Trevor having sweet, sweet teenage intimacy on the couch and then fights with Trevor. Because they don't get along. Because apparently zombies aren't enough conflict in a film. So they clash and will never get along unless they're forced to by impending doom. OH WAIT. After yelling at each other, it's decided that Sarah and Bud will go check on Kyle, since he bled all over his girlfriend (RIP, UG). We also find out that their mom is sick (FORESHADOWING) and that apparently Brad Colbert was their dad.
I mean, REALLY. LOOK AT HIM. Brad Colbert is so awesome he went back in time and space, humped a fictional woman, had a fictional family and died a hero to be remembered in one shot in a direct-to-DVD zombie movie. All while maintaining his presence in this reality. SWOON!
NIGHTTIME'S A-COMING. OH NO.
Bud and Sarah get to Kyle's house, which is trashed and bloody. It would be suspenseful, except it's not. Not with Stark Sands hovering in the background making wee little HO SHIT OH SHIT faces. And arming himself with a kitchen knife (a relatively poor zombie tool, fyi)?
As it turns out, there aren't any bodies on the floor, but they are propped up behind the curtains. And they fall on Bud and he honest-to-god SCREAMS and FLAILS AROUND ON THE FLOOR. I took some screencaps but they DO NOT do it justice. I seriously gleeclapped all over the place when I saw it.
Bud spends the rest of the scene looking ridiculously horrified. AND CUTE.
The above is exactly how I imagine a scandalized cat would look.
They go back to Casa Colbert and pick up Trevor and Nina and Mommy and head to the hospital, which is full of people who look like this:
And for some reason, this poor-person's Spike is there.
Salazar shows up, Sarah gets called away by Ving Rhames to describe the bodies in Kyle's house to a doctor and Nina and Trevor go to see Nina's parents, who are also here. Bud stays with Mommy, and they have quite the inappropriate conversation.
Bud: Sarah's great, isn't she?
Mommy: I wish she were around more.
B: Um, does she have a boyfriend?
M: She's hot, huh?
B: She's SO HOT. D'you think she'd ever go out with a Private?
Me: I'MA GO GET IN THE SHOWER WITH MY CLOTHES ON, KAY?
And then she just...stops. All the sick people do. DUN DUN DUN.
Meanwhile, Sarah meets Captain Jack Harkness. Wait. Wait. Here he's Dr. Logan.
See? Completely different. Suit=different. What he wants to know is, did the wounds on the bodies look like bite marks? DUUUNNNN!
Like Mommy, Nina's dad has stopped too. ZOMBIE TIME!!!
Uh, yeah. He eats the side of Nina's mom's face. Yeah.
Due to zombies, the power goes out and MAYHEM ENSUES!
Exactly how a zombie riding in the back of a truck is symbolic of MAYHEM, I'll never know. But it is.
And now! A brief moment of zombie-elitism! When it comes to zombies I am fiercely traditional. In my world, zombies are shambling, clumsy creatures with little ability to form logical thought. They can't talk, do math or even run. DNW these or 28 Days Later zombies. So, I pretty much 100% disagree with the zombies in this movie. I haven't completely blown a gasket on this movie because their rule-breaking is usually for the lulz/involves Stark Sands so it's forgiven.
The power flickers at the radio station, and the DJ says he's going home, but he and the soldier discover the MAYHEM, and the soldier gets eaten. The DJ, unsurprisingly, decides to stay inside the station.
Nina and Trevor flee the hospital, after being disgusted by the idea that zombies can crawl across the ceiling. Seriously, WHAT.
Ving Rhames, Dr. Logan, Bud and Sarah get locked in a ward and Ving Rhames decides to take on about eight zombies. Three guesses what happens to him? His death buys them enough time to hide in a supply closet. Bud almost gets eaten because Dr. Logan is a pushy jerk, but Sarah punches the zombie in the face and the only thing that's lost are the Humvee keys. And then this happens:
It's not really as subtexty as my cap makes it look, but whatever. I find that straws fit nicely in my hand. I enjoy holding them and looking at what looks like Matt Rippy watching Stark Sands' mouth.
TIME'S PASSING!
Nina and Trevor set their sights on the radio station. It looks so heavenly compared to the zombie infested woods, with its blue sign and its human passing by the window.
In the supply closet, Sarah starts building molotov cocktails (just wait to see how these are used) and Dr. Logan gets his complain on about Bud and Sarah's lack of weaponry. Bud doesn't have a gun because giving guns to babies is wrong. Or he's in communications and their weapons are phones and computers and telegrams. For the second time in the film, Sarah says that she carries a weapon, but it's never loaded. It's never revealed why, but I think the implication they're going for (and the one I got) is that at some point she went mental and did something bad. Because we all know ladies can't hack it in the Army, amirite? Our periods attract bears, for god's sake!
They also discover that Bud lost the Humvee keys but Ving Rhames' Humvee is within sight from the window (although the keys are on his "person").
Nina and Trevor make it to the radio station. They join the DJ and this couple (who had the sick son at the beginning of the film [Notice the lack of him now. Should have ditched him!]):
Back at Zombie Hospital, Sarah and Bud crawl through the air shafts in order to get to where they left Ving Rhames and also avoid zombies. It is really hard to get good caps of people crawling around in vents so all I have is two shots, one of Stands through the grate (just before a zombie jumps at him and he yells, "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!" Many more HO SHIT faces follow), and one of what happened to Ving Rhames.
When they get into the room they get the keys and find Salazar who has been randomly hiding in the closet.
(Aside: It's kind of terrible, but I get a strange enjoyment out of Salazar calling Bud "Bitch" 7000 times in this film. IDEK. But it's not the weirdest thing I liked, which is coming soon)
Sadly for them, Ving Rhames is unalive and well. They start retreating back into the air shaft, just as he wakes up, eats his own eye, and starts to pursue them.
And so begins this frantic, incredibly hilarious chase scene through the vents. There's Ving Rhames' zombie impression, which includes barking sounds, zombies banging on the roof with brooms (Jesus Christ I almost DIED LAUGHING), Sarah hanging out of the shaft and flailing, and finally Salazar's heroism.
Then!
NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! VING RHAMES BIT BABYFACE. HDUUUUUU! ;______;
Oh, who am I kidding? I enjoy his boypain immensely. And his frantic moaning of "Ohfuck, he got me," pleases me. And so does his screaming when Sarah pours bleach on his wound. Twisted, right?
That's not even the best part! Salazar decides he should shoot Bud to save them any trouble. He and Sarah fight about it while Bud cries and cowers and I look on with GLEE.
SO MANY CAPS, SERIOUSLY. HAHA...OH GOD. ARE MY KINKS SHOWING? I WANT TO DRAW SPARKLY HEARTS AROUND STARK SANDS' FACE IN THAT LAST CAP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Make custom Glitter Graphics
There we go. I'll drink his tears while you all have Blingee-seizures.
Finally, after much yelling and boytears, Sarah and Salazar come to an agreement: if Bud turns, Sarah will shoot him. I know it's so Old Yeller, but I love seeing that in zombie movies. It's my kind of tenderness (YOU'LL SEE IT AGAIN. FROM ME.)
Babyface looks darn relieved. And sweet.
At the radio station, Trevor sends out a message begging for someone to rescue them. Guess who hears it?
MOMMY DOES!
Goddamn, these stories need to join up already. *insert generic zinger about not liking to switch*
In the closet, team Ridiculous is prepping to leave, filling up their pants with molotov cocktails and building the occasional spear. Bud gets owned by Salazar and I fail at drawing penises in Paint.
Bud: Sweet spear.
Salazar: You see a black man with a sharp stick and it's supposed to be a spear?
Bud: Oh no! *sputters all over the place*
They bust out, start kicking some zombie ass, Dr. Jerkface escapes to his own car (jeeerk) and use their molotov cocktails.
In this world, zombies burst when you light them on fire. Yeaaah. No. Unfortunately, this counts as FORESHADOWING. Ugggh. My eye just started twitching.
When they get to the Humvee, Bud takes a moment to contemplate his bite and make a sad puppy face. WILL THAT BE YOU, BABY? WILL IT?
Finally! Action at the radio station! Nina discovers an important clue. Bloody kleenex!
As we all know, when the zombie virus is dissolving your brain, you start to bleed out of your face. So, WHO WAS IT?
WAS IT THE DJ?
WAS IT MR. OR MRS. WHATSTHEIRFACES?
THE ANSWER WILL SURPRISE YOU. FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIE MURDER THEATRE!
On the cool side of the tracks, Sarah, Salazar and Bud drive to the most amazing place to go in a zombocalypse.
They go inside, and leave Bud in the Humvee. But since he's bitten and can't be trusted/someone in the industry fucking loves me, they tie his hands with zip ties and he makes some more puppy faces (and bleeds :<).
"Get me a gun too." FORESHADOWING!
NOW ON ZOMBIE MURDER THEATRE! IT WAS THE DJ! Don't worry, he gets dispatched with minimal pomp and circumstance.
Sarah and Salazar do a thorough raid on the gunshop, and even find the Holy Grail of zombie weapons:
Which is so amazing it is WALL-MOUNTED AND LIT. THIS FILM IS A PARAGON OF DELICATE SYMBOLISM!
They also discover they have the Holy Grail of zombies in their Humvee: the vegetarian zombie!
He's still cute though, so they keep him and roar off into the night. Their getaway is interrupted by an urgent message. From Trevor. Sarah chooses this moment to cherish her brother, and pulls a huge U-turn. Why? "It's my brother," Sarah says. "Your brother's a DJ?" Salazar asks incredulously, holding onto the dashboard.
Trevor's frustrated by this whole "zombocalypse" thing, so he decides to look broody by the window. Except when he looks out, guess who he sees?
That's right. MOMMY!!
Because he's a fucking moron, Trevor decides to go "save" Mommy. When he and Nina rush downstairs, we find out that Mr. And Mrs. Whatstheirfaces lied about the bleeding. Mrs. Whatstheirfaces is infected. But don't tell. Shhh.
Trevor runs outside to greet his mother only to see the truth:
Bonus: this is my desktop background! No one has any clue what the haaale it is
And then Sarah hits Mommy with the Humvee. CHA-CHING! I literally went "FFFFFTTT!" in surprised hilarity the first time I watched it.
Nina gets sent to go collect the Whatstheirfaces and she discovers they've had a bit of a spousal disagreement. Namely, Mrs. has eated Mr. :(
And Nina's next. Unless she and Mrs. get in a knockdown-dragout brawl that ends with her getting pitched out the window.
Salazar then shoots the shit out of her and they blow that popsicle stand. Salazar calls Bud "Thriller" which is hilarious and we have Bud's heart eyes for Sarah reinforced.
There's also thing whole thing going on where zombies "retain some part of who they used to be," hence Bud not eating them and making moonfaces at Sarah and Mommy going to find Trevor. Salazar illustrates the point by giving Bud a ten-hut and Bud doing it. I don't know why, but it kind of skeeves me out.
They drive to the military checkpoint to see if anyone else is around. There aren't any people, but there are zombies who can fire guns. Perhaps this is foreshadowing? PERHAPS. That's pretty bad news bears so they wisely decide to gtfo.
They need to get out of town, and decide to take the fire road. Along the way Trevor and Sarah get into a fight, and it turns out their chafing is due to a failed bike shop. Fuckin' lame.
Then they hit Kyle. OR: Someone managed to take a picture of my nightmares.
No, I kid. Most of my nightmares involve me falling off a floating green island in the Mushroom Kingdom. ANYWAY. Humvee gets wrecked and now they have to walk. They keep Bud. Why? Because he's cute "Because he might be useful." REAL SUBTLE, FILM.
There's also more creepy misusing of Bud. Skeeeevy. But I'm really enjoying Stark Sands' make-up. I enjoy the progression from human to zombie, charted in skin sores and bleeding orifices.
After a short jaunt through the woods, they take cover in what might be the romance cabin from the beginning of the film. They call it something, but for the life of me I could not pick it out. It sounds like Nikey SAT? I fail at English as a first language.
Then they spend some more time hammering in how much Bud "likes" Sarah (And the incredible pleasure Salazar gets from teasing Bud). DNW. Zombies =/= people. People like people. Zombies are mostly-braindead walking food processors. They do not think about Mena Suvari's ass, even if they are a once-cutiepants veg. zombie. It was cute for about five seconds, and then my skin started crawling. Zombies/People, I do not ship it. Yes, amberlynne you have found the one thing I don't ship.
That finally ends, and there's more Trevor+Sarah antagonism while they block the door. Suddenly!
Bud starts bellowing because there are other zombies on the way and he's trying to...gather them ("ZOMBIES! ROT AND ROLL OUT!")? Warn the people? I don't know. It's not clear. This film makes less sense every minute.
The zombies bust in and everyone whose heart beats runs like fuck. Bud acts like a guard dog (Okay, aw. Shhhhh). They descend underground and end up in...a very pristine and deserted lab.
Salazar: *looking around* A Puffy video
They're "not alone" though, so Sarah and Salazar go exploring. Guess who they find?
That's right. Dr. Hot Jerkface. And he's shredding some documents. WHAT DOCUMENTS? IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HE KNOWS SOMETHING.
EXPLAIN!
As it turns out, Project Wildfire involves studying biological agents. BUT DOING WHAT?
Nina and Trevor uncover a video made by the head scientist, where he, covered in blood, explains that the virus has mutated and all the scientists are infected. Luckily, he's killed everyone and sealed the lab. Except it still got out. And then he turns into a zombie.
Dr. Logan further explains that this was supposed to be a military weapon, designed to paralyze people for a handful of hours, allowing them to be captured instead of killed. Too bad it turns them into zombies instead.
And too bad the head scientists is still around.
That is what a science degree gets you, kids. A hankering for brains. Useless arts students only ever crave free food, tv and conversations about theory.
There are zombies upstairs and the head scientist, who's apparently a super-zombie, so they need to gtfo. Problem? Only one door, and it's covered in zombies. Luckily, Salazar (who's basically the smartest person in this film) says, "Hey. We're in a building with missile silos. Let's get out that way."
I applaud his logic, and Dr. Logan gets pulled into the roof by Dr. Engel via some gymnastic shit and robbed of his chest. Mm-mmm good.
Committing one of the great horror movie faux-pas, they split up to try and find a silo. Nina and Trevor Vs. Sarah and Salazar. Long story short, Salazar gets eaten. You were sometimes a good man, Salazar. You will be missed for about the next thirty seconds.
Sarah finds Trevor and Nina and the concoct the most idiotic plan to get out I've ever seen. They're going to use missile propulsion tanks to create a giant flamethrower and burn the zombies. Because that would not end in a giant explosion and we all knows zombies burst when fire is applied. wuuuuut.
There's a moment that would be touching if I was at all interested in the sibling backstory, but I'm not so it wasn't, and Sarah goes out on bait-duty. She almost gets eaten, but in a surprise twist, she totally doesn't. Why?
That's right! Bud! Our tofu-loving, gun-firin' deus ex machina. Gosh, I love a good romance.
Haha, it's not to be though. Mostly because the other zombies rip his head off.
It's still romantic. Romeo and Juliet, except even creepier.
Myeah myeah myeah, run run run, yell yell yell, illogical fire.
Ah, sweet freedom. They drive off in Dr. Logan's car just as the sun rises, listening to the radio tell them that everything's going to be juuuust fine. :]
JUST KIDDING. EVERYTHING WILL NEVER BE OKAY!
Final verdict: Not actually as shitty as you might think. But still occasionally shitty. Fails at riding Romero's coattails, but wins at Stark Sands' face. Fairly hilarious, often unintentionally. B-.
In case you have no idea what I just spent however long talking about, here's Day of the Dead 2008 on Wikipedia. Knowledge is power!
All caps are taken by me, but all I did is press Ctrl+Alt+S whenever I felt like it, so feel free to right-click and save whatever you want.
And finally, uh, here's some ridiculous AU, crossover porn. It is even angsty! I KNOW, WHAAAAT. DON'T JUDGE ME.
Title: Eats You Up Inside
Author: nightanddaze
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Brad Colbert/Bud Crain, allusions to Brad/Nate
Word Count: 1366
Summary: When you can't have what you want, take what you can get
Notes: Crossover between Generation Kill and Day of the Dead (2008). No, I do not need to go to the mental hospital. I promise. No spoilers for either.
They’re on libo in Hawaii, have been for about an hour. Ray’s practically been shitting his pants the whole time, bouncing around Brad like a vulgar little dog, yap yap yapping.
“Dude, let’s go get fucking wasted. No, wait, let's go get laid. Not by the same people or anything. I don’t need your fucking germs on my dick. I’ve got it. Wasted, then fucked. Yeah. Yeah! What do you want to do?”
Brad stops, right in the middle of the street. Ray goes three steps ahead and then jerks back, just like he’s on a leash.
Sighing gustily, Brad says, “I want you to shut up.”
Ray puts his hands on his hips. “Fine. And then?”
“Wasted, then fucked.”
*
Brad’s not sure what he’s looking for, but he’ll know when he finds it. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely in this bar, because it’s full of Army jerkoffs. No one’s in uniform, but most of the bar stinks of desperation and subpar training.
There’s also the glaring, not that Brad gives a shit. He’s been stuck with Ray for the past three months. Glaring is his number one hobby. He’s got all these assholes beat, hands down.
Hopefully that’s all he has to do. Ray’s…somewhere, out of sight and sound, hopefully not getting into more trouble than he’s worth. That’s the last thing Brad needs.
He shouldn’t have agreed to this. He could have gone anywhere else. Maybe he could have gone to see Nate, filled up his couch and drank his beer.
Or perhaps considering what happened last time, probably not. One unreciprocated, humiliating kiss and one night spent wandering the streets was enough to wound Brad’s pride for a good long time.
Just thinking about it makes Brad turn right around and order another beer. When he thinks about the part where Nate looked betrayed and scandalized he changes his order to two beers and a shot of tequila.
He does the shot and drinks one of the beers without taking a breath or turning from the bar. Then he takes a deep dry breath and turns around.
Turns around and promptly slams into someone. He loses his beer and it explodes when it hits the floor. Brad watches passively as the foam and glass hit his jeans.
“Oh, Jesus, sorry about that.”
Brad looks up, and he stares. It’s Nate. Or it would be if Nate went back in time a few years, taught himself to give off pussy vibes and then joined the Army.
Okay, so it’s mostly a physical thing, but that’s fucking bang-on. Big green eyes, mouth made for fucking, long lean muscles. He could be Nate’s little brother.
“What’s your name?” Brad barks.
“Bud Crain. Private Bud Crain,” the kid stutters. Some people around them are watching, maybe wondering what it’d be like to see a Devil Dog rip some kid a new one.
Brad keeps staring at him. The name’s not right, but that doesn’t mean much. He sincerely hopes this is not how Nate’s gonna end up finding out his dad fucked around on his mom.
The kid bites his lip nervously. Brad decides not to speak of it to Nate, since pretty soon the story’s going to involve Brad fucking Nate’s would-be brother.
“Well,” Brad prompts.
“Uh. Sorry. Let me buy you another one?” The kid tries a smile, soft and pink.
Brad smiles back at him before he turns to the bar again and says, “Two shots. Now.”
He lied before. He knows what he’s looking for, but he can’t have it. Luckily he’s a Marine, and therefore used to being fucked around and not given what he needs. He’ll make do with a great substitute.
*
Twelve shots, no small talk, a lot of eyefucking.
*
Brad keeps his hands to himself until they get to the kid’s hotel room. It’s a dingy gutterfuck hole in the wall, but at least there’s only one bed. No worries about some pimply-faced little asshole jerking off in the bed beside theirs.
The kid goes for the light but Brad slams him into the wall, pins him at the hips. He’s hard, already squirming against Brad’s thigh.
He strains up for Brad’s mouth, brushing over, but Brad tilts away. Lips touch his jaw and trace down his neck, hard against his stubble. Brad doesn’t feel bad about gripping his shoulder and pushing him down.
The kid - Crain - folds right in half, pushing his face against Brad’s crotch, breathing heavily, shaky fingers scrabbling over Brad’s button and zip.
Brad helps him with one hand and touches his head with the other. His hair is regulation length, scrubby-soft, and the back of his neck is a little damp.
As far as blowjobs go it’s nothing special, slow and clumsy, dry from too much alcohol. But Crain’s earnest, bobbing carefully, sometimes pausing to suckle the head. Every once in a while his hips sway forward, cock brushing Brad’s shin.
Brad closes his eyes and thinks about another place and time, another man. He’s drunk enough to not feel guilty about it.
They fuck on the bed, bedcovers and clothes mostly on. The kid mewls and whimpers, his face pressed into the duvet. He shivers when Brad pulls his hips high and leans into him hard, coming without a touch, begging Brad for anything at all.
When they’re done the kid wriggles out of his clothes, palming Brad’s bare thigh drowsily, sinking down into the bed. He shifts over so he’s more on one side than in the centre, leaving plenty of room for Brad there next to him.
Brad doesn’t take the offer. He slips off the condom, pulls up his pants and goes to the bathroom, not bothering with a light. When he gets out it’s dark and silent, save for the sound of deep, even breathing.
He gets the fuck out of there, and doesn’t think about anything on his walk back.
*
The next morning, Brad meets Ray at a scrappy little diner that’s full to the brim of hungover grunts. Ray’s one of them. He’s bleary and bitching, slumped in the corner of the booth, shredding his pancakes with a fork.
“Fuck, I drank way too much last night,” Ray moans, squishing a blueberry under his fork.
Brad hums in response, working through his breakfast methodically, glancing around the diner. Aside from theirs, only one other table has Marines at it. The rest is Army. They eat like fucking animals.
“And, man,” Ray complains, sharpening his squint into a glare, “where the fuck did you go?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Brad sees him. That guy, that fucking kid, staring at Brad over the rim of his water glass.
Brad freezes, just for a second. Ray doesn’t notice, but the kid does.
He fucking smiles. Small and hopeful, not just like he wants to fuck again, but like he’s half in love with Brad.
Brad looks away, sets his mouth into a stone line, looking at Ray.
“I fucked that guy,” he says, pointing with his fork across the diner. Ray squirms around in his seat to take a look and the kid stares at them blankly, mouth just a little open. Brad tries not to think about fucking that mouth.
Ray roars with laughter, still looking. “Right. What a bitch. You know he’s the type who’d beg for your dick even with all the pussy on the planet laid out for him.”
“Well,” Brad says gently, “I am the Iceman.”
“Yeah, and he’s in the Army.” Ray finally faces Brad again, his face lit up. He scoops up a forkful of pancake ruins and shoves them into his mouth. “Pussies and two-beer queers, one and all.”
Brad snorts, hunching back over his eggs. They taste like plastic. He waits thirty seconds before he looks up again. He’s just in time to see the kid look away, his sweet, wide-open face turning down and in and his shoulders climbing. A flush rises up his neck, over his jaw, even on the bridge of his nose.
There’s enough hurt on his face for the both of them, but that doesn’t stop Brad from feeling guilty.