Why I look up everytime a bike goes by
(I wish more of you guys would write.)
I dont even know what to say right now I am so absolutely conflicted and so far behind in my school work, I know I'm making it worse but I cannot motivate myself to do anything - and I know i"m digging myself into a huge insurmountable hole.
My life right now is so insane I can't even express the absolute highs and quick drops to just as extreme lows...........Half the time I'm extatic about living and breathing and WRITING and thinking and loving and loving and loving, and the rest of the time I'm completely and unnaturally insecure about everything in my life that I care about and am afraid to care about...
I just need someone to come touch me on the crown of the head and perform some kind of osmosis of calm and confidence and optimism and fearlessness and willingness. I want to and am terrified of allowing myeslf to be completely honest and vulnerable........I know that the strongest act is to make oneself completely vulnerable, but there is so much to lose in letting go of a fantasy in willingness to discover the reality of this new situation. Maybe that's what this is, maybe that's what this pain is - the active vulnerability (but I know I'm not entirely there because I'm only allowing myself to be vulnerable to myself sofar). Whatever it is, it's completely dibilitating and freeing me, it is, in fact, the freedom that is dibilitating - because I feel completely above all of my school work which I KNOW is trivial and what I really need to concentrate on is changing the nature of my energy and cultivating this clearity that I've been feeling in frequnt and extended spurts. I don't feel like I NEED to do my work, in fact I know that it is making what is most important to me more difficult to pursue. It is blocking this progress that I am currently so enthused with.
That is why I cant bear to make myself do it.
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PART II:
On a happier note, here is an example of one of those most sought after moments for good measure (from my new spectacular miniature flip journal) beware, stream of conciousness:
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I'm in a shady grassy spot that is neither here nor there - ironically so much like me right now. I think if we concentrate on beauty we create beauty around us and that the opposite is also true. The wind is nice. It's a relief from a hot, akward day. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing - in between feeling the best and most assured I have in years...but is concentrating on beauty ever decieving onself of the real? Maybe I should start smoking - or is that just part of the spectical too?
Am I preocupied with the wrong things, or the right? I don't know if I'm being used as a replacement body to a lonely bed. I don't need more - but I want to know that if we're "friends with benifets" that the former part is intact rather than soley the latter - which I more than suspect is true, but sometimes it's hard to be sure. Is that just my insecurities talking? Or am I finally making sense? I don' know.
I'm loving this moment tho and all of the moments where I am living in the immediate. Immediate pink bike, tilted over on an immediate green lawn, immediate bronze legs, brown hair, bright yellow shirt. I'm here. I'm living here. And I dont think we're science fiction characters - I think we're all so goddam divine (if that's not blasphamy, I don't know what is) but we're all shit too - all dirt and mud and mucus and waste. We're so beautiful it hurts.
I'm glad I didn't drown this all away - but I was close. Friends are illusory, romance is illusory, fear is SO much an illusion that it makes me sick that I am so actively engaged in it. What am I afraid of? Rejection? Losing something I don't really have? Losing a fantasy of what might be? - so much of a fantasy that I don't even wish for it? Again - am I fooling myself? The touch is beautiful, the lips lips lips and the teeth are - but the hesitation, the breath held, the mention of the word regret even in it's negative are...not? not sure. Isn't the nervous twitch what I wanted?
If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning I would not drown but celebrate my teeter-totter-ness of a consciene, of a confidence, of a self. of SELF! What is holding me back from being my purest SELF!? I want to yell "YEAH!" when a boy cries out in song, it's not there in the air but it's in my head where no one sees the brewing, excep those who know how calm the storm is. I love that they few can see it and KNOW. I wish otheres could read me better, I'm tired of being a closed book. Some people never bother to tear back the cover.
But...if.... Can I create a new reality with pure force of engery? Like water molecules turning into snowflakes...so many snowflakes. Do I even WANT that? Do I need that, or is this IT, this could be IT, what I want and what I need. I bit my tounge when I meant to say that we project what we ultimately want to attract. I do believe that's true. Do I WANT to believe in a one true love? I certainly don't want to believe in fate = do I even want to believe in monogomy? or is that my vanity, my ego?
It must just be the wind....I'm ready now.
PS Is it possible for a person's sole energy to make another person weaker? I know the opposite is true. I don't think the latter is a parasitic relationship - even it it's non consentual.
I dont even know what to say right now I am so absolutely conflicted and so far behind in my school work, I know I'm making it worse but I cannot motivate myself to do anything - and I know i"m digging myself into a huge insurmountable hole.
My life right now is so insane I can't even express the absolute highs and quick drops to just as extreme lows...........Half the time I'm extatic about living and breathing and WRITING and thinking and loving and loving and loving, and the rest of the time I'm completely and unnaturally insecure about everything in my life that I care about and am afraid to care about...
I just need someone to come touch me on the crown of the head and perform some kind of osmosis of calm and confidence and optimism and fearlessness and willingness. I want to and am terrified of allowing myeslf to be completely honest and vulnerable........I know that the strongest act is to make oneself completely vulnerable, but there is so much to lose in letting go of a fantasy in willingness to discover the reality of this new situation. Maybe that's what this is, maybe that's what this pain is - the active vulnerability (but I know I'm not entirely there because I'm only allowing myself to be vulnerable to myself sofar). Whatever it is, it's completely dibilitating and freeing me, it is, in fact, the freedom that is dibilitating - because I feel completely above all of my school work which I KNOW is trivial and what I really need to concentrate on is changing the nature of my energy and cultivating this clearity that I've been feeling in frequnt and extended spurts. I don't feel like I NEED to do my work, in fact I know that it is making what is most important to me more difficult to pursue. It is blocking this progress that I am currently so enthused with.
That is why I cant bear to make myself do it.
-------------------------------------------------
PART II:
On a happier note, here is an example of one of those most sought after moments for good measure (from my new spectacular miniature flip journal) beware, stream of conciousness:
--------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------
I'm in a shady grassy spot that is neither here nor there - ironically so much like me right now. I think if we concentrate on beauty we create beauty around us and that the opposite is also true. The wind is nice. It's a relief from a hot, akward day. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing - in between feeling the best and most assured I have in years...but is concentrating on beauty ever decieving onself of the real? Maybe I should start smoking - or is that just part of the spectical too?
Am I preocupied with the wrong things, or the right? I don't know if I'm being used as a replacement body to a lonely bed. I don't need more - but I want to know that if we're "friends with benifets" that the former part is intact rather than soley the latter - which I more than suspect is true, but sometimes it's hard to be sure. Is that just my insecurities talking? Or am I finally making sense? I don' know.
I'm loving this moment tho and all of the moments where I am living in the immediate. Immediate pink bike, tilted over on an immediate green lawn, immediate bronze legs, brown hair, bright yellow shirt. I'm here. I'm living here. And I dont think we're science fiction characters - I think we're all so goddam divine (if that's not blasphamy, I don't know what is) but we're all shit too - all dirt and mud and mucus and waste. We're so beautiful it hurts.
I'm glad I didn't drown this all away - but I was close. Friends are illusory, romance is illusory, fear is SO much an illusion that it makes me sick that I am so actively engaged in it. What am I afraid of? Rejection? Losing something I don't really have? Losing a fantasy of what might be? - so much of a fantasy that I don't even wish for it? Again - am I fooling myself? The touch is beautiful, the lips lips lips and the teeth are - but the hesitation, the breath held, the mention of the word regret even in it's negative are...not? not sure. Isn't the nervous twitch what I wanted?
If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning I would not drown but celebrate my teeter-totter-ness of a consciene, of a confidence, of a self. of SELF! What is holding me back from being my purest SELF!? I want to yell "YEAH!" when a boy cries out in song, it's not there in the air but it's in my head where no one sees the brewing, excep those who know how calm the storm is. I love that they few can see it and KNOW. I wish otheres could read me better, I'm tired of being a closed book. Some people never bother to tear back the cover.
But...if.... Can I create a new reality with pure force of engery? Like water molecules turning into snowflakes...so many snowflakes. Do I even WANT that? Do I need that, or is this IT, this could be IT, what I want and what I need. I bit my tounge when I meant to say that we project what we ultimately want to attract. I do believe that's true. Do I WANT to believe in a one true love? I certainly don't want to believe in fate = do I even want to believe in monogomy? or is that my vanity, my ego?
It must just be the wind....I'm ready now.
PS Is it possible for a person's sole energy to make another person weaker? I know the opposite is true. I don't think the latter is a parasitic relationship - even it it's non consentual.