(no subject)
Today is the most hated of days. It's called "Find the bedroom floor". The one room that gets little to no attention in our house is the bedroom because. . . who cares? I keep the laundry clean and where it goes, but Tim and I have a lot of stupid things in there that always end up on the floor. Today, however. . . I'm finding the floor. And not my typical "shove shit where it fits, everything in boxes" cleaning. This is going through things, actually putting them where the belong and throwing things out.
What a craptastic thing to do.
However. . . today marks four years since my first trip to WA ended. Four years since sitting in the airport with Timothy, cracking jokes so neither of us would cry. Leaning my head on his shoulder while he had his arm around me. . . playing with his fingers and looking out the window. At the time, what repeated in my head was "Ask me to stay. . . just ask me to stay." He told me later his repeating inner voice kept saying, "Ask her to stay. . . just ask her to stay." When my plane started to board, I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I mustered all the strength I had and walked away. When I sat down in my seat, I started to cry. And I didn't stop until the plane landed. My friend Stephanie told me that she knew I loved Timothy with these words, "I can't be here and have him be there." Two weeks later, I moved to WA.
Looking back, I can't believe the strength I had. For coming to WS. . . leaving Timothy. . . going back to PA and leaving my lifelong home. I never fell apart. I cried at night with Timothy sleeping softly beside me. . . but I never fell apart. How the hell did that happen?
It's a good day to think about how I got here. That is all.
What a craptastic thing to do.
However. . . today marks four years since my first trip to WA ended. Four years since sitting in the airport with Timothy, cracking jokes so neither of us would cry. Leaning my head on his shoulder while he had his arm around me. . . playing with his fingers and looking out the window. At the time, what repeated in my head was "Ask me to stay. . . just ask me to stay." He told me later his repeating inner voice kept saying, "Ask her to stay. . . just ask her to stay." When my plane started to board, I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I mustered all the strength I had and walked away. When I sat down in my seat, I started to cry. And I didn't stop until the plane landed. My friend Stephanie told me that she knew I loved Timothy with these words, "I can't be here and have him be there." Two weeks later, I moved to WA.
Looking back, I can't believe the strength I had. For coming to WS. . . leaving Timothy. . . going back to PA and leaving my lifelong home. I never fell apart. I cried at night with Timothy sleeping softly beside me. . . but I never fell apart. How the hell did that happen?
It's a good day to think about how I got here. That is all.