dictionary (big time rush; kendall/logan)
dictionary
fandom: Big Time Rush (the series)
pairings: Kendall Knight/Logan Mitchell
rating: Hard R/NC-17
summary: 25 moments in a couple's lives, defined by the letters of the alphabet.
author's note: Shamelessly based on David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary. Also, I'm pretty sure the fic is better than the summary so welp. this fic is for the darling Kate on tumblr. hope you enjoy it!
affirmation, n.
The crib is a mess at the moment. Carlos and James are fighting about something Logan really can’t care about right now and Katie’s trying to solve it just by being Katie -it works sometimes, too. He really should care, about the fight, about the pillows being thrown around but Kendall’s here and he’s standing there and he smells good and he’s just laughing at their friends’ idiocy and they kissed. So Logan wants to ask, he has to ask, because he’s Logan and he needs some goddamn answers but the only way he can do that is by a look because he doesn’t want Katie to catch on with her smug look, basically saying she’s expected this all along and hoping Kendall will understand.
He smiles -he needs to stop doing that, it’s doing strange things to Logan’s stomach- and nods. And when Mrs. Knight comes back for lunch, after the ruckus is solved and Carlos and James are best friends again, when they sit around the table like a happy family, Kendall holds his hand under the table as a sign that he actually wants this.
blisters, n.
They’re about eight years old (well eight and three-quarters for Kendall who always brags that he’s older) when Logan takes off his hockey skates at the rink and there are red spots on his feet. Logan starts getting scared and so does Kendall (although he’ll deny it when they’re older) because why are there red bubbles on my feet they look scary what do I do Kindle what do I doooo
Kendall, Carlos and James figure out how to work the telephone and call Logan’s mom. When they find out it’s just a blister, they all start sighing with relief but Kendall doesn’t leave his side. Logan tells him he shouldn’t worry, he’s gonna be alright, he’ll see, but he still comes over every day until his feet have healed and says that hockey isn’t any fun without him to laugh with when Carlos knocks his head into the wall.
cover, v.
One night, he tells Logan he’s always had this embarrassing crush on John Mayer and Logan snorts, as if he’s any better (John Stamos, really, Logan, really?) then sort of gently fall asleep like they always do. The next night, all Kendall wants to do is sleep and wrap his arms around Logan and think about how he could literally just stay in this one position forever and be completely happy with his circumstances. Logan lets him envelop him like he wants but he doesn’t stay silent. The room isn’t filled with the sound of labored breathing and soft scratching sounds of their t-shirts occasionally riding up against each other. No, it’s filled with words ‘don’t say a word, just come over and lie with me; cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see; I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe; and there I just said it; I’m scared you’ll forget about me’
It’s not Logan’s best work and he definitely does not want that version anywhere near their new CD because it’s his, all the sounds and little pauses and soft melodies, this is his.
distribute, v.
They’re stupid and idiots but when their new album comes out, they go to every record store they find, find the CDs that have been distributed there and pretend to be genuinely interested in them in their disguises. They’re stupid disguises but, really, this was a spur-of-the-moment thing so you can’t be counted on their creativity. They stuff a note inside the CD and put two of them -no more, no less- in the recommendations section at the front of the store.
Every time they escape the store, they smile at each other and then kiss as a sign of congratulations. Sometimes it goes deeper, the kiss, until Kendall finds his hands in Logan’s hair because they’re on a high and no one can catch them.
eager, adj.
It’s Kendall’s goddamned hockey uniform. He doesn’t know why and really, he doesn’t even know how to explain his own behavior but when they’re here, in California where he doesn’t have any reason to wear it and he does, it makes Logan gulp and avert his eyes from Mrs. Knight’s raised eyebrows. It’s like Kendall knows this is driving him crazy so he wears it to the studio, the studio where Logan is prohibited from touching Kendall in funny places because that would be weird and they’re still a secret, but when they’re finally back home, Logan steals him away from the crowd and locks the door and straddles his hips.
He leans down to kiss him hungrily, his hands reaching up the sweater and his mouth curling up in a smile when he hears Kendall gasp. Time is just a nuisance when he strips them both of their jeans and pants until he wants more of it when Kendall’s cock is in his hand because he wants this more and more and forever.
“Eager, are we?” Kendall manages to say before Logan starts stripping at his cock mercilessly and his back is arching and his eyes are closed and he starts coming and coming in white ropes of cum. All with his sweater still on.
footprint, n.
Gustavo lets them off on a break for the day and the boys decide to go to the beach. They’re getting a bit tired of the pool, they want the natural water, the salt against their skin and the sand underneath their toes. They pack up their gear and Katie and his mum tag along, of course, but it’s just them, just this mismatched family. He tackles Carlos to the ground after he splashes his face with water and James joins in, just piling them up like a sandwich and, of course, Logan just stands there, looking half-judgmental and half-amused before Kendall pulls him down to join them with a yelp.
After they’re all tired, Logan’s head finds Kendall’s shoulder as they watch the footprints they made get swallowed up by the waves.
gentlemanly, adj.
It’s a few days after their first legitimate kiss when Logan finds an envelope on the side of his bed when he wakes up. It’s from Kendall and it says to meet him by the pool at seven. For the rest of the day, he doesn’t see Kendall, he’s disappeared from their shenanigans at 2J and their sessions by the pool, until it’s seven and it’s bloody cold outside but there Kendall is. he’s wearing that smile, the smile that makes his stomach do back flips and makes him want to write a song for him every day of the week, and he’s holding out a bouquet of tulips for him.
“Kendall, what-” he starts but he’s being silenced by Kendall’s ‘sshh’ noises, all the while being led blindly through the Palm Woods as they reach a table outside. It’s complete with candles and white tablecloths and two swivel chairs because they’re still them.
Kendall doesn’t kiss him until the end, even though Logan can tell he desperately wants to, because he wants to make this night special. so, at the end, Kendall leans in and gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. It’s Logan who comes back for more, putting his hand at the back of Kendall’s neck, pulling him closer until there isn’t a closer anymore and getting the biggest thrill from pulling back and seeing this whole gentleman façade fade and be replaced with the boy he’s sure he’s falling in love with.
homework, n.
The new kid is shy. He’s got a mess full of dark hair and red lips from biting them to stop him from answering every question in Geography class. He’s smart, Kendall guesses, because he does his work even though it’s his first day and everybody knows the only thing you’re supposed to do on your first day is try and make friends. Or maybe he’s just too shy for that, too.
Kendall tries to get his attention in Math when he throws his pencil in defeat because of the equation on the sheet. The new kid, who’s sitting next to him, notices and leans to him. “I can help you if you want,” he tells him.
Kendall says go ahead and after he actually makes him understand, James and Carlos pipe in, as well. They ask the new kid -Logan, from Michigan- if he wants to sit with them at lunchtime and maybe help with their homework, as well. Logan nods excitedly and then goes back to his work. The new kid has a nice smile, too. Maybe he should tell him, and tell him not to eat the tacos at lunch because they would just ruin it.
inbox, n.
His phone says that he needs to clear some of his messages because his memory card is almost full so, with the television on and his legs up on the table, he just sits there and go through his messages. Most of them are from Kendall, all of them mismatched puzzle pieces of his memory.
dude did u noe the new spiderman was out cos if u did i’ll scream bloody murder
i h8 algebra get better and help me pls
i am two feet away from u and i am texting u i am so cool
ice-cream later?
i love that i can call you my boyfriend
oh god proper spelling in my texts this is all your fault
i can’t wait for studio time to be over so i can kiss your lips and your face and your neck until there’s a hickey and everyone will know you’re mine now
no shit don’t smirk like that these jeans are gonna get really tight
fuck you
and by that i mean fuck ME
good morning, logie. breakfast is on the counter, me and the guys are in the studio already sorry i couldn’t give you your morning kiss
Maybe he should just invest in a new phone with a bigger memory.
jet, n.
Logan doesn’t know how or if this is even legal but, right now, he’s sitting in Gustavo’s private jet, looking out and down at the skyscrapers of Los Angeles, all the while holding his boyfriend’s hand. His boyfriend, who points out every little big thing they see, looking like an exuberated little boy and it’s all Logan can do to not kiss his face right at that moment.
The skies are clear of any storm, rain or worrying weather. He feels so big up here, as if sitting in a metal contraption a few thousand feet in the air has any impact on his size. As if having his sweaty palms against Kendall’s and his thigh against his in this space they’re sharing can make him feel larger than life. Kendall’s a contradiction; his life with Kendall is a contradiction to all his scientific observations and hypothesis because, even when it shouldn’t feel this good, it does.
keening, adj.
Moans. Groans. Whimpers. Keening sounds. Kendall loves to make these noises erupt from Logan. When they’re all alone and time is only theirs to share, Logan doesn’t talk much but his mouth always opens in those delicious, almost inaudible noises that make his spine tingle. He loves it.
He loves stroking Logan’s cock until a sound from the back of his throat tells him he wants more; he loves asking him to suck on his fingers because he always moans when he does like he’s so hungry for it; he loves pushing into him in the beginning and Logan almost sounds like he’s shouting but the sound fades away, stripped from him as his pupils dilate and his knuckles become white from holding on to the sheets.
He loves it when Logan fucks him, as well, although his sounds are more controlled because he thinks this isn’t about him, this is about Kendall and making sure he’s getting a bulk of the pleasure as well but he just wishes he had a way to tell him that he shouldn’t try to hold back because he loves it. He loves this. He loves him.
leaving, n.
Their first fight as a couple happens when Logan’s insecurities manage to crawl up into his heart, wrap their claws around the tendons of his soul until the words come tumbling out his mouth. Kendall gets mad at the accusation, this assumption that seems unfathomable to him when it reaches Logan when the lights are down and the bed is cold. He starts getting red in the face and he starts making violent hand gestures and Logan’s more stubborn than he lets on so he fights back. he fights back until he doesn’t know what they’re fighting about and the world turns blue at the prospect that the tiny voice at the back of his head might be right.
They stop fighting and Logan doesn’t know how they got here, to panted breaths and sorry eyes that look at each other but they’re here and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Does he go to the room and pack his things? Does he reach forward to hold Kendall’s hand? People say he’s smart and it’s moments like these where he wants to take a picture or record a video and shove it to their faces, asking them if he’s so smart why can’t he fix this, why can’t he fix himself enough to even try to fix this? They stand in silence then Logan gives up, pulling himself into the room to cry.
He must’ve fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knows, there are strong arms around him and the sudden thought that he was wrong, Kendall’s not going to leave him, and one day he’s going to believe that enough.
muffins, n.
His mother makes them muffins when they get back but they don’t eat them. James is too excited, Carlos thinks this is all going to be an adventure and Logan, dear Logan, is arguing with him. Well, not really, he’s just having one of those mental breakdowns that he takes out on them. He’s cute when he’s worried out of his mind.
He’s telling Kendall that there is no way this is a good idea, going to LA and becoming a boy band -“A boy band, Kendall! I thought you hated boy bands!”- and telling him he’s going to freeze out before they’re even started and, of course, the shout that contains the sentence, “Why couldn’t you have just left me out of it?” like he was going to leave Logan out of anything and he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave Logan, period.
He wants to tell him that no life in LA with the glitz and glamour was going to be worth living if he wasn’t there. If he wasn’t there with his smiles and stern faces when they did something stupid; his quiet humming when he did his work or read a book; his gentle tapping on the side of the table when he’s hungry; his dimples; his laugh; his mere existence. But he doesn’t because he’s Kendall Knight and that would be weird so he just sits there and laughs at his best friend and digs into the muffins.
numbers, n.
Sometimes he looks at Logan and he gets scared. In these moments, Logan isn’t terrifying, he’s not wearing a mask or angry or jealous or anything that might someone feel scared. No, usually, Logan is content. His feet are up and his head is resting on Kendall’s chest and his fingers start drawing nonsensical patterns on Kendall’s thigh. Logan is practically humming at how comfortable he is. But Kendall, Kendall gets scared, scared that this might never work. There are so many things acting against them; their sexuality, their jobs, their life in the limelight, their personalities, even. These moments only last a second or two but those few seconds make him question everything he’s ever been or is or will be. These moments make him question if he and Logan should’ve ever done this. Because, see, Logan was always a by-the-numbers guy and he was never really good with numbers.
ours, pr.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in a relationship where there’ll be a time span wherein you are nauseatingly cute with your partner and everyone else will begin to resent you but that’s alright as long as he doesn’t. It starts about two months after and they start to get ridiculously codependent on each other that it almost freaks himself out. But here’s the thing that really gets to him.
They start having things of their own; almost lives separate from James and Carlos, from their parents and the rest of their friends. They start having morning rituals that are only shared between them -the soft, chaste kisses that never advance to anything more until they’ve brushed their teeth, the turns they take to the bathroom, the way it’s milk for Logan and orange juice for Kendall. They start having things they only associate with each other -red flashlights because Kendall used it once during a blackout to help him find Logan’s hand, the words of Dave Eggers because Logan read to him once during their earlier date.
They are still Kendall and Logan; they can still function without each other if the need arises. They are still best friends as well as boyfriends. Nothing’s quite changed and he likes that fact. He likes it very much.
pretty, n.
The new girl -Jenny, if he’s not mistaken- all red hair and red cheeks, who’s come here to be an actress has the flirty look turned on when her eyes flick up to meet Logan’s. “And you, what’s your name? You’re pretty cute,” she says and Logan is a stumbling mess like he always is when he’s confronted with the fact that he’s actually attractive to other people.
“His name’s Logan and he’s not interested,” Kendall says without a second thought. He knows it sounds suspicious and he knows he probably shouldn’t have but this is Logan and he has to look out for him. Or maybe he’s just being selfish because the only person he’s okay with seeing Logan wrapped around is him.
He feels horrible five seconds after Jenny leaves until they see her talk up some other guy in the lobby. Yeah, he made the right call. Anyone who could get over someone like Logan -no, he takes that back, anyone who could get over Logan because he was a singular gift- in that short amount of time doesn’t have a sound mind.
quid, n.
They’re in London. They’re in fucking London. It’s beautiful and it’s cold but it’s London and they’re here and Logan is really, really excited to just step foot on this sacred ground. He’s never been further than Canada before Big Time Rush and now they’re here and he’s jumping up and down excitedly, trying to convey in words the complete and utter wanderlust he’s experiencing. They’re all given allowances and two days before the show to explore and wander the city and that’s all Logan wants to do. He doesn’t even want to spend any money, there are so many things here he can get back home. But the other three are spending their money quite frivolously so he can’t help it. But he has an idea.
Sometimes money can only buy you things you want and not what you need and what Logan needs is to have a souvenir from here that isn’t tacky or overused. He asks the guy at the stand what he can buy for a quid. The guy looks at him strangely and says that he’s got a chipped beer glass he can sell to him and Logan takes it. Kendall laughs at him right then but kisses his cheek in a way that tells him that he’s adorable and he loves him for it. Almost a year later, they’re still using that beer glass, to remind them that, just for a while, they ruled their own world.
reciprocation, v.
Kendall was always only for big gestures; loud words and triumphant actions. But Logan always figured that the fact only held for other aspects of his life, not to him and their relationship. Logan always figured he was lucky to even have their kisses as a form of reciprocation of feelings but, no, he's, once again, underestimated Kendall's ability to crawl up to every part of him and make him want to smile until his face is red and tired. Because he's standing here, in a garden way outside of the Palm Woods, way away from the studio, on a picnic Kendall made for the two of them, looking up at the sky and seeing how the clouds have formed his name, as if, to Kendall, it's the most important thing he knows.
share, n.
Mrs. Mitchell always pressed the idea of sharing. When they were little, they were encouraged to share their Pop-Tarts with each other, share their books, share their hockey sticks when they were playing, share the responsibility when they got into trouble (which was quite often). Kendall guessed the habit stuck as they grew up, especially with him and Logan. As time went on, as their hairstyles changed and their voices grew deeper and their eyes became more accustomed to the sight of girls and guys alike, they still shared. They shared their mornings with each other, kisses, sips of coffee, shy looks and not-so-shy looks, bed sheets, warmth, secrets, books and movies and music and TV shows, their first times and, at some point Kendall believed, their lives.
touches, n.
Here’s how it starts: Kendall leaning in to whisper something about their rabid fans in his ear and Logan hitching his breathe because Kendall is really, really close to him and he can felt the immediate heat coming from the close vicinity of his person to himself. Kendall pulls back and almost laughs at Logan’s reaction. Since then, he has been making almost every public appearance unbearable for him. he touches him purposely, like a finger on his wrist that seems like electricity or a hand on his waist during photo-ops. It’s no secret Kendall likes touching Logan but that’s usually in private and, even then, they get made fun of by Carlos and James. This, he really can’t take because this is going to be on the internet and he can’t escape it and people will speculate and the worst thing is, he can’t even kiss him or touch him back to make it a bit easier.
unresolved, adj.
After the fight, Kendall thinks about his father. His father who walked out on them even before Katie was born, who was cruel in his mind even if he never really remembered him as well as he should. He was mean, he was evil; at least to Kendall, because he left so many things unsaid between him and Kendall’s mom. He left a letter and that was it. Kendall doesn’t want to be his father and he really doesn’t want to do that to Logan. Logan, who brightens everything up just by being Logan, deserves so much better than things Kendall’s too stubborn to say but should say regardless. Logan deserves the truth. When he knocks on the door, all he can hope for is that it opens. When he tells him he loves him -for the first time, he has to add- and that he’s so, so sorry, all he can hope for is that he isn’t punched in the face for ruining something that should be special and wonderful. He isn’t.
ventured, v.
On their tour, they go out alone together. Just the two of them, without James or Carlos or Kelly or Gustavo and it feels liberating. This is a place where no one knows them yet. They’re not two of the four guys from Big Time Rush; they’re just two guys with their hoods up on a cold night, holding hands because they can. For a moment, for a night, they can. They promise to be back at the bus by midnight but, for right now, they’re in the vast expanse of Chicago city and the map of the city are just lines and doodles.
They intertwine their fingers and never really let go unless they have to point out something in the skyline so the other can see; their eyes are bright and shiny, then a bit dazed after they drink a pint of beer at a random bar; their mouths are never unoccupied, with their gasps of delight or just talking or kissing the other until they’re dizzy from the night. They act like those annoying tourists and take pictures of the sidewalk and pose next to a random pole. They do something stupid and run off as if the cops are chasing them. They walk and talk and spin around and sing out loud like they’re drunker than they actually are. They smile and dance and laugh out loud. For tonight, that’s all they have to do.
warm, n.
By the time Kendall finds him on the tour bus, he’s practically freezing. They’re somewhere in New England and he should never have left him because, ever since they were kids, Logan was always the one who was unusually sensitive to the cold. He’s not even that skinny but somehow the cold just seems to take a liking to it whenever the season rolls around. He looks like a kid there, on the couch, being wrapped in blankets and Kendall can’t help but smile.
“Scoot over,” he says to him and he does. He scoops Logan up in his arms and pulls him close to his chest. “There, better?”
“You’re warm,” Logan gives out a moan of appreciation.
“And you’re an idiot.”
yearns, v.
Kendall really wishes that he started this thing with Logan before the LA thing, before they went out to be a boy band, before they started becoming famous and they had to go to signings and concerts and have people recognize them. This is his biggest wish. Not a platinum album or more success or any of that shit that thrust on him. All he wants right now is to hold Logan’s hand in public and kiss him until he melts in his arms like he’s done before. And it sucks it sucks it sucks that he can’t have it, that he’s just going to let his heart rot at these public events when he knows one simple touch from Logan can cure him. He’s a selfish bastard for wanting what he wants and he hates himself for it.
zoo, n.
“We should buy a zoo.”
“Excuse me, have you learned nothing from that movie with Matt Damon? And you’re supposed to be the smart one.”
“What was I supposed to learn? Dude, it was just two hours of me crying over animals. What’s the lesson there?”
“Don’t get animals because then you’ll cry and I’ll have to take care of you.”
“You love taking care of me. Except you won’t admit it.”
“I-anyways, yes, we shouldn’t buy a zoo.”
“Can I get a baby elephant at least?”
“I’ll get you a toy one, what about that?”
“Good enough.”
fandom: Big Time Rush (the series)
pairings: Kendall Knight/Logan Mitchell
rating: Hard R/NC-17
summary: 25 moments in a couple's lives, defined by the letters of the alphabet.
author's note: Shamelessly based on David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary. Also, I'm pretty sure the fic is better than the summary so welp. this fic is for the darling Kate on tumblr. hope you enjoy it!
affirmation, n.
The crib is a mess at the moment. Carlos and James are fighting about something Logan really can’t care about right now and Katie’s trying to solve it just by being Katie -it works sometimes, too. He really should care, about the fight, about the pillows being thrown around but Kendall’s here and he’s standing there and he smells good and he’s just laughing at their friends’ idiocy and they kissed. So Logan wants to ask, he has to ask, because he’s Logan and he needs some goddamn answers but the only way he can do that is by a look because he doesn’t want Katie to catch on with her smug look, basically saying she’s expected this all along and hoping Kendall will understand.
He smiles -he needs to stop doing that, it’s doing strange things to Logan’s stomach- and nods. And when Mrs. Knight comes back for lunch, after the ruckus is solved and Carlos and James are best friends again, when they sit around the table like a happy family, Kendall holds his hand under the table as a sign that he actually wants this.
blisters, n.
They’re about eight years old (well eight and three-quarters for Kendall who always brags that he’s older) when Logan takes off his hockey skates at the rink and there are red spots on his feet. Logan starts getting scared and so does Kendall (although he’ll deny it when they’re older) because why are there red bubbles on my feet they look scary what do I do Kindle what do I doooo
Kendall, Carlos and James figure out how to work the telephone and call Logan’s mom. When they find out it’s just a blister, they all start sighing with relief but Kendall doesn’t leave his side. Logan tells him he shouldn’t worry, he’s gonna be alright, he’ll see, but he still comes over every day until his feet have healed and says that hockey isn’t any fun without him to laugh with when Carlos knocks his head into the wall.
cover, v.
One night, he tells Logan he’s always had this embarrassing crush on John Mayer and Logan snorts, as if he’s any better (John Stamos, really, Logan, really?) then sort of gently fall asleep like they always do. The next night, all Kendall wants to do is sleep and wrap his arms around Logan and think about how he could literally just stay in this one position forever and be completely happy with his circumstances. Logan lets him envelop him like he wants but he doesn’t stay silent. The room isn’t filled with the sound of labored breathing and soft scratching sounds of their t-shirts occasionally riding up against each other. No, it’s filled with words ‘don’t say a word, just come over and lie with me; cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see; I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe; and there I just said it; I’m scared you’ll forget about me’
It’s not Logan’s best work and he definitely does not want that version anywhere near their new CD because it’s his, all the sounds and little pauses and soft melodies, this is his.
distribute, v.
They’re stupid and idiots but when their new album comes out, they go to every record store they find, find the CDs that have been distributed there and pretend to be genuinely interested in them in their disguises. They’re stupid disguises but, really, this was a spur-of-the-moment thing so you can’t be counted on their creativity. They stuff a note inside the CD and put two of them -no more, no less- in the recommendations section at the front of the store.
Every time they escape the store, they smile at each other and then kiss as a sign of congratulations. Sometimes it goes deeper, the kiss, until Kendall finds his hands in Logan’s hair because they’re on a high and no one can catch them.
eager, adj.
It’s Kendall’s goddamned hockey uniform. He doesn’t know why and really, he doesn’t even know how to explain his own behavior but when they’re here, in California where he doesn’t have any reason to wear it and he does, it makes Logan gulp and avert his eyes from Mrs. Knight’s raised eyebrows. It’s like Kendall knows this is driving him crazy so he wears it to the studio, the studio where Logan is prohibited from touching Kendall in funny places because that would be weird and they’re still a secret, but when they’re finally back home, Logan steals him away from the crowd and locks the door and straddles his hips.
He leans down to kiss him hungrily, his hands reaching up the sweater and his mouth curling up in a smile when he hears Kendall gasp. Time is just a nuisance when he strips them both of their jeans and pants until he wants more of it when Kendall’s cock is in his hand because he wants this more and more and forever.
“Eager, are we?” Kendall manages to say before Logan starts stripping at his cock mercilessly and his back is arching and his eyes are closed and he starts coming and coming in white ropes of cum. All with his sweater still on.
footprint, n.
Gustavo lets them off on a break for the day and the boys decide to go to the beach. They’re getting a bit tired of the pool, they want the natural water, the salt against their skin and the sand underneath their toes. They pack up their gear and Katie and his mum tag along, of course, but it’s just them, just this mismatched family. He tackles Carlos to the ground after he splashes his face with water and James joins in, just piling them up like a sandwich and, of course, Logan just stands there, looking half-judgmental and half-amused before Kendall pulls him down to join them with a yelp.
After they’re all tired, Logan’s head finds Kendall’s shoulder as they watch the footprints they made get swallowed up by the waves.
gentlemanly, adj.
It’s a few days after their first legitimate kiss when Logan finds an envelope on the side of his bed when he wakes up. It’s from Kendall and it says to meet him by the pool at seven. For the rest of the day, he doesn’t see Kendall, he’s disappeared from their shenanigans at 2J and their sessions by the pool, until it’s seven and it’s bloody cold outside but there Kendall is. he’s wearing that smile, the smile that makes his stomach do back flips and makes him want to write a song for him every day of the week, and he’s holding out a bouquet of tulips for him.
“Kendall, what-” he starts but he’s being silenced by Kendall’s ‘sshh’ noises, all the while being led blindly through the Palm Woods as they reach a table outside. It’s complete with candles and white tablecloths and two swivel chairs because they’re still them.
Kendall doesn’t kiss him until the end, even though Logan can tell he desperately wants to, because he wants to make this night special. so, at the end, Kendall leans in and gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. It’s Logan who comes back for more, putting his hand at the back of Kendall’s neck, pulling him closer until there isn’t a closer anymore and getting the biggest thrill from pulling back and seeing this whole gentleman façade fade and be replaced with the boy he’s sure he’s falling in love with.
homework, n.
The new kid is shy. He’s got a mess full of dark hair and red lips from biting them to stop him from answering every question in Geography class. He’s smart, Kendall guesses, because he does his work even though it’s his first day and everybody knows the only thing you’re supposed to do on your first day is try and make friends. Or maybe he’s just too shy for that, too.
Kendall tries to get his attention in Math when he throws his pencil in defeat because of the equation on the sheet. The new kid, who’s sitting next to him, notices and leans to him. “I can help you if you want,” he tells him.
Kendall says go ahead and after he actually makes him understand, James and Carlos pipe in, as well. They ask the new kid -Logan, from Michigan- if he wants to sit with them at lunchtime and maybe help with their homework, as well. Logan nods excitedly and then goes back to his work. The new kid has a nice smile, too. Maybe he should tell him, and tell him not to eat the tacos at lunch because they would just ruin it.
inbox, n.
His phone says that he needs to clear some of his messages because his memory card is almost full so, with the television on and his legs up on the table, he just sits there and go through his messages. Most of them are from Kendall, all of them mismatched puzzle pieces of his memory.
dude did u noe the new spiderman was out cos if u did i’ll scream bloody murder
i h8 algebra get better and help me pls
i am two feet away from u and i am texting u i am so cool
ice-cream later?
i love that i can call you my boyfriend
oh god proper spelling in my texts this is all your fault
i can’t wait for studio time to be over so i can kiss your lips and your face and your neck until there’s a hickey and everyone will know you’re mine now
no shit don’t smirk like that these jeans are gonna get really tight
fuck you
and by that i mean fuck ME
good morning, logie. breakfast is on the counter, me and the guys are in the studio already sorry i couldn’t give you your morning kiss
Maybe he should just invest in a new phone with a bigger memory.
jet, n.
Logan doesn’t know how or if this is even legal but, right now, he’s sitting in Gustavo’s private jet, looking out and down at the skyscrapers of Los Angeles, all the while holding his boyfriend’s hand. His boyfriend, who points out every little big thing they see, looking like an exuberated little boy and it’s all Logan can do to not kiss his face right at that moment.
The skies are clear of any storm, rain or worrying weather. He feels so big up here, as if sitting in a metal contraption a few thousand feet in the air has any impact on his size. As if having his sweaty palms against Kendall’s and his thigh against his in this space they’re sharing can make him feel larger than life. Kendall’s a contradiction; his life with Kendall is a contradiction to all his scientific observations and hypothesis because, even when it shouldn’t feel this good, it does.
keening, adj.
Moans. Groans. Whimpers. Keening sounds. Kendall loves to make these noises erupt from Logan. When they’re all alone and time is only theirs to share, Logan doesn’t talk much but his mouth always opens in those delicious, almost inaudible noises that make his spine tingle. He loves it.
He loves stroking Logan’s cock until a sound from the back of his throat tells him he wants more; he loves asking him to suck on his fingers because he always moans when he does like he’s so hungry for it; he loves pushing into him in the beginning and Logan almost sounds like he’s shouting but the sound fades away, stripped from him as his pupils dilate and his knuckles become white from holding on to the sheets.
He loves it when Logan fucks him, as well, although his sounds are more controlled because he thinks this isn’t about him, this is about Kendall and making sure he’s getting a bulk of the pleasure as well but he just wishes he had a way to tell him that he shouldn’t try to hold back because he loves it. He loves this. He loves him.
leaving, n.
Their first fight as a couple happens when Logan’s insecurities manage to crawl up into his heart, wrap their claws around the tendons of his soul until the words come tumbling out his mouth. Kendall gets mad at the accusation, this assumption that seems unfathomable to him when it reaches Logan when the lights are down and the bed is cold. He starts getting red in the face and he starts making violent hand gestures and Logan’s more stubborn than he lets on so he fights back. he fights back until he doesn’t know what they’re fighting about and the world turns blue at the prospect that the tiny voice at the back of his head might be right.
They stop fighting and Logan doesn’t know how they got here, to panted breaths and sorry eyes that look at each other but they’re here and he doesn’t know what to do with it. Does he go to the room and pack his things? Does he reach forward to hold Kendall’s hand? People say he’s smart and it’s moments like these where he wants to take a picture or record a video and shove it to their faces, asking them if he’s so smart why can’t he fix this, why can’t he fix himself enough to even try to fix this? They stand in silence then Logan gives up, pulling himself into the room to cry.
He must’ve fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knows, there are strong arms around him and the sudden thought that he was wrong, Kendall’s not going to leave him, and one day he’s going to believe that enough.
muffins, n.
His mother makes them muffins when they get back but they don’t eat them. James is too excited, Carlos thinks this is all going to be an adventure and Logan, dear Logan, is arguing with him. Well, not really, he’s just having one of those mental breakdowns that he takes out on them. He’s cute when he’s worried out of his mind.
He’s telling Kendall that there is no way this is a good idea, going to LA and becoming a boy band -“A boy band, Kendall! I thought you hated boy bands!”- and telling him he’s going to freeze out before they’re even started and, of course, the shout that contains the sentence, “Why couldn’t you have just left me out of it?” like he was going to leave Logan out of anything and he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave Logan, period.
He wants to tell him that no life in LA with the glitz and glamour was going to be worth living if he wasn’t there. If he wasn’t there with his smiles and stern faces when they did something stupid; his quiet humming when he did his work or read a book; his gentle tapping on the side of the table when he’s hungry; his dimples; his laugh; his mere existence. But he doesn’t because he’s Kendall Knight and that would be weird so he just sits there and laughs at his best friend and digs into the muffins.
numbers, n.
Sometimes he looks at Logan and he gets scared. In these moments, Logan isn’t terrifying, he’s not wearing a mask or angry or jealous or anything that might someone feel scared. No, usually, Logan is content. His feet are up and his head is resting on Kendall’s chest and his fingers start drawing nonsensical patterns on Kendall’s thigh. Logan is practically humming at how comfortable he is. But Kendall, Kendall gets scared, scared that this might never work. There are so many things acting against them; their sexuality, their jobs, their life in the limelight, their personalities, even. These moments only last a second or two but those few seconds make him question everything he’s ever been or is or will be. These moments make him question if he and Logan should’ve ever done this. Because, see, Logan was always a by-the-numbers guy and he was never really good with numbers.
ours, pr.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in a relationship where there’ll be a time span wherein you are nauseatingly cute with your partner and everyone else will begin to resent you but that’s alright as long as he doesn’t. It starts about two months after and they start to get ridiculously codependent on each other that it almost freaks himself out. But here’s the thing that really gets to him.
They start having things of their own; almost lives separate from James and Carlos, from their parents and the rest of their friends. They start having morning rituals that are only shared between them -the soft, chaste kisses that never advance to anything more until they’ve brushed their teeth, the turns they take to the bathroom, the way it’s milk for Logan and orange juice for Kendall. They start having things they only associate with each other -red flashlights because Kendall used it once during a blackout to help him find Logan’s hand, the words of Dave Eggers because Logan read to him once during their earlier date.
They are still Kendall and Logan; they can still function without each other if the need arises. They are still best friends as well as boyfriends. Nothing’s quite changed and he likes that fact. He likes it very much.
pretty, n.
The new girl -Jenny, if he’s not mistaken- all red hair and red cheeks, who’s come here to be an actress has the flirty look turned on when her eyes flick up to meet Logan’s. “And you, what’s your name? You’re pretty cute,” she says and Logan is a stumbling mess like he always is when he’s confronted with the fact that he’s actually attractive to other people.
“His name’s Logan and he’s not interested,” Kendall says without a second thought. He knows it sounds suspicious and he knows he probably shouldn’t have but this is Logan and he has to look out for him. Or maybe he’s just being selfish because the only person he’s okay with seeing Logan wrapped around is him.
He feels horrible five seconds after Jenny leaves until they see her talk up some other guy in the lobby. Yeah, he made the right call. Anyone who could get over someone like Logan -no, he takes that back, anyone who could get over Logan because he was a singular gift- in that short amount of time doesn’t have a sound mind.
quid, n.
They’re in London. They’re in fucking London. It’s beautiful and it’s cold but it’s London and they’re here and Logan is really, really excited to just step foot on this sacred ground. He’s never been further than Canada before Big Time Rush and now they’re here and he’s jumping up and down excitedly, trying to convey in words the complete and utter wanderlust he’s experiencing. They’re all given allowances and two days before the show to explore and wander the city and that’s all Logan wants to do. He doesn’t even want to spend any money, there are so many things here he can get back home. But the other three are spending their money quite frivolously so he can’t help it. But he has an idea.
Sometimes money can only buy you things you want and not what you need and what Logan needs is to have a souvenir from here that isn’t tacky or overused. He asks the guy at the stand what he can buy for a quid. The guy looks at him strangely and says that he’s got a chipped beer glass he can sell to him and Logan takes it. Kendall laughs at him right then but kisses his cheek in a way that tells him that he’s adorable and he loves him for it. Almost a year later, they’re still using that beer glass, to remind them that, just for a while, they ruled their own world.
reciprocation, v.
Kendall was always only for big gestures; loud words and triumphant actions. But Logan always figured that the fact only held for other aspects of his life, not to him and their relationship. Logan always figured he was lucky to even have their kisses as a form of reciprocation of feelings but, no, he's, once again, underestimated Kendall's ability to crawl up to every part of him and make him want to smile until his face is red and tired. Because he's standing here, in a garden way outside of the Palm Woods, way away from the studio, on a picnic Kendall made for the two of them, looking up at the sky and seeing how the clouds have formed his name, as if, to Kendall, it's the most important thing he knows.
share, n.
Mrs. Mitchell always pressed the idea of sharing. When they were little, they were encouraged to share their Pop-Tarts with each other, share their books, share their hockey sticks when they were playing, share the responsibility when they got into trouble (which was quite often). Kendall guessed the habit stuck as they grew up, especially with him and Logan. As time went on, as their hairstyles changed and their voices grew deeper and their eyes became more accustomed to the sight of girls and guys alike, they still shared. They shared their mornings with each other, kisses, sips of coffee, shy looks and not-so-shy looks, bed sheets, warmth, secrets, books and movies and music and TV shows, their first times and, at some point Kendall believed, their lives.
touches, n.
Here’s how it starts: Kendall leaning in to whisper something about their rabid fans in his ear and Logan hitching his breathe because Kendall is really, really close to him and he can felt the immediate heat coming from the close vicinity of his person to himself. Kendall pulls back and almost laughs at Logan’s reaction. Since then, he has been making almost every public appearance unbearable for him. he touches him purposely, like a finger on his wrist that seems like electricity or a hand on his waist during photo-ops. It’s no secret Kendall likes touching Logan but that’s usually in private and, even then, they get made fun of by Carlos and James. This, he really can’t take because this is going to be on the internet and he can’t escape it and people will speculate and the worst thing is, he can’t even kiss him or touch him back to make it a bit easier.
unresolved, adj.
After the fight, Kendall thinks about his father. His father who walked out on them even before Katie was born, who was cruel in his mind even if he never really remembered him as well as he should. He was mean, he was evil; at least to Kendall, because he left so many things unsaid between him and Kendall’s mom. He left a letter and that was it. Kendall doesn’t want to be his father and he really doesn’t want to do that to Logan. Logan, who brightens everything up just by being Logan, deserves so much better than things Kendall’s too stubborn to say but should say regardless. Logan deserves the truth. When he knocks on the door, all he can hope for is that it opens. When he tells him he loves him -for the first time, he has to add- and that he’s so, so sorry, all he can hope for is that he isn’t punched in the face for ruining something that should be special and wonderful. He isn’t.
ventured, v.
On their tour, they go out alone together. Just the two of them, without James or Carlos or Kelly or Gustavo and it feels liberating. This is a place where no one knows them yet. They’re not two of the four guys from Big Time Rush; they’re just two guys with their hoods up on a cold night, holding hands because they can. For a moment, for a night, they can. They promise to be back at the bus by midnight but, for right now, they’re in the vast expanse of Chicago city and the map of the city are just lines and doodles.
They intertwine their fingers and never really let go unless they have to point out something in the skyline so the other can see; their eyes are bright and shiny, then a bit dazed after they drink a pint of beer at a random bar; their mouths are never unoccupied, with their gasps of delight or just talking or kissing the other until they’re dizzy from the night. They act like those annoying tourists and take pictures of the sidewalk and pose next to a random pole. They do something stupid and run off as if the cops are chasing them. They walk and talk and spin around and sing out loud like they’re drunker than they actually are. They smile and dance and laugh out loud. For tonight, that’s all they have to do.
warm, n.
By the time Kendall finds him on the tour bus, he’s practically freezing. They’re somewhere in New England and he should never have left him because, ever since they were kids, Logan was always the one who was unusually sensitive to the cold. He’s not even that skinny but somehow the cold just seems to take a liking to it whenever the season rolls around. He looks like a kid there, on the couch, being wrapped in blankets and Kendall can’t help but smile.
“Scoot over,” he says to him and he does. He scoops Logan up in his arms and pulls him close to his chest. “There, better?”
“You’re warm,” Logan gives out a moan of appreciation.
“And you’re an idiot.”
yearns, v.
Kendall really wishes that he started this thing with Logan before the LA thing, before they went out to be a boy band, before they started becoming famous and they had to go to signings and concerts and have people recognize them. This is his biggest wish. Not a platinum album or more success or any of that shit that thrust on him. All he wants right now is to hold Logan’s hand in public and kiss him until he melts in his arms like he’s done before. And it sucks it sucks it sucks that he can’t have it, that he’s just going to let his heart rot at these public events when he knows one simple touch from Logan can cure him. He’s a selfish bastard for wanting what he wants and he hates himself for it.
zoo, n.
“We should buy a zoo.”
“Excuse me, have you learned nothing from that movie with Matt Damon? And you’re supposed to be the smart one.”
“What was I supposed to learn? Dude, it was just two hours of me crying over animals. What’s the lesson there?”
“Don’t get animals because then you’ll cry and I’ll have to take care of you.”
“You love taking care of me. Except you won’t admit it.”
“I-anyways, yes, we shouldn’t buy a zoo.”
“Can I get a baby elephant at least?”
“I’ll get you a toy one, what about that?”
“Good enough.”