"Smash!"
This is beyond my usual blah blah blah life sucks rant. At this point, I can't think of a single thing that is going right for me. When I'm with friends, I'm clingy, whiny, and generally obnoxious....more so that usual. When I'm alone I get really lonely and angry. I don't really give a damn about much of anything anymore. It's nothing suicidal, I value my life more than anything. I'm just bored of myself, bored of my hobbies, even a little bored of my friends. And it scares the living shit out of me.
I always swore I wouldn't be the person glued to the television, stuffing way too much food in his mouth and gaining weight like a famine starts next week. And yet here I am.
I can't bring myself to be engaged with school, or composition, or theatre the way I could even last week. I smile and laugh and don't cry because that's who I am and how I deal with things. I used to be upset that i was so numb. I can't change that. I can't force myself to be emotional.
All I want is for something good to happen. I honestly can't remember the last time I was pumped up about something. The closest thing I have is the musical I am writing. If I finish it, there will probably be a reading. I have to finish it. And that's hard.
I'm scared that I may not graduate because I waited to bowl three games. I'm scared I won't get inoff the waitlist at Wright State. I'm scared that Brandeis will reconsider my acceptance due to poor performance this semester. I'm scared of so many things. The only time I'm not scared is when I'm high...and that scares me a little too. I can't let the solution to all of my problems become chemical.
I hate being scared, I hate stress, I hate that I can't adequately express how I feel, I hate that it wouldn't matter even if I did, I hate that I don't believe in God, I hate that I don't believe everything happens for a reason, and I hate that I can't just breakdown, cry, and get over it.
Oh, and I want a boyfriend.
I always swore I wouldn't be the person glued to the television, stuffing way too much food in his mouth and gaining weight like a famine starts next week. And yet here I am.
I can't bring myself to be engaged with school, or composition, or theatre the way I could even last week. I smile and laugh and don't cry because that's who I am and how I deal with things. I used to be upset that i was so numb. I can't change that. I can't force myself to be emotional.
All I want is for something good to happen. I honestly can't remember the last time I was pumped up about something. The closest thing I have is the musical I am writing. If I finish it, there will probably be a reading. I have to finish it. And that's hard.
I'm scared that I may not graduate because I waited to bowl three games. I'm scared I won't get inoff the waitlist at Wright State. I'm scared that Brandeis will reconsider my acceptance due to poor performance this semester. I'm scared of so many things. The only time I'm not scared is when I'm high...and that scares me a little too. I can't let the solution to all of my problems become chemical.
I hate being scared, I hate stress, I hate that I can't adequately express how I feel, I hate that it wouldn't matter even if I did, I hate that I don't believe in God, I hate that I don't believe everything happens for a reason, and I hate that I can't just breakdown, cry, and get over it.
Oh, and I want a boyfriend.