The Chaotic Shitstorm Begins
I hate going out of town. My flight is on Sunday, I have to wake up at 7am, I still have not gone to sleep yet, it is currently 5:27am on Saturday. I've already arranged for the shuttle to come and pick me up. I have 2 flights before I get home, that is 2 take offs and 2 landings, I HATE FLYING. It used to be a one-way flight, but sadly that is no longer the case. So there is the stress of traveling, I'm bound to be exhausted.
The weather will be nicer for sure, no real snow in my hometown, so there is a plus. Once I get into town I'll probably want to take a nap, which will be in my old bed. Last time I went home I found out my bedroom had been rearranged, while it looked nicer and more organized, I don't like that my bed is positioned in the middle of the room. I've had my bed with one side against a wall practically all my life so it feels weird to sleep that way, I feel like I'm going to fall off the bed or that I could be easily surrounded. My new bed is at my apartment with all of my pillows and blankets, it's great. I've become so used to my "new" bed that it is my bed, the bed I imagine myself falling asleep in after a long day, it just fits like my old one used to. On my last visit I slept in my old bed as it was, this time I think I am going to move it to against a wall, at least it has curtains so there is the illusion of enclosure.
I eat organic now. I try to eat a lot too to build up muscle. While food shouldn't be a problem (I usually eat at a ton of restaurants with my friends and family so I'll still be eating a lot hopefully) it will not be organic. I've become used to living on my own and doing things my way. I wont be able to have a protien shake each night before bed, at least not at first when I arrive (it's part of my bedtime ritual, drink a delicious drink and then go to bed with all my amazing blankets and sheets and pillows. It's great.) And I'm going to make an allowance for some unhealthy eating, since it is a vacation... And I'll be drinking too, (It is very rare that I drink) so that will also put a damper on my health, but that's the price I'll pay since I'll be drinking with my friends.
Usually when I go back, my fitness suffers. When I left for college my Dad quit the Tennis Club I had been a part of, so I can no longer use their gym. My Dad said they cleaned out the "workout room" (no one really does any workouts there and the fitness equiptment just gathers dust. It became a storage room but I guess now there is actually room to move in there so maybe that wont be so bad.) I HATE to have my fitness goals interrupted. I'll have to deal with those changes too.
My hometown is filled with conservative idiots that have no logic in their arguments, it's like the inhabitants have stones for brains; so that will be frustrating. The clubs over there are nothing compared to the clubs here, but at least I'll be clubbing with my best friends. I'll get to see my beloved pets, which is always bittersweet (long story, basically I know they should be treated better but what can I do?) I'm so used to living on my own and doing things on whim and it will be restricting with my family there. For example, I could just walk around naked at my own place if I wanted to, in fact, I think I'll spend tomorrow naked just for the hell of it. All those things are pretty shallow reasons for dreading the return to my hometown. I'll get over them, but the compounding of all the little annoyances will still irk me. But the most monsterous reason of all as to why I do not like going back home is...
I've already escaped that town. And yes, the use of the verb escaped is no hyperbole, while living there I felt trapped. Ever since I was reborn from my ocean deep depression in middle school I knew I had to get out. I was still a sad kid in high school, probably to a lesser degree depressed but I just learned to endure the shattering lonliness and suffocating saddness. It's not like I was entirely unhappy, I had my friends to help ease the pain, but it was an escape. I remember speeding away from my high school honking my horn and roaring with excitment that I was finally going to be able to be me with no deterrants. I was free. Now I return. Different. Changed. Stronger. I see ghosts everywhere in my hometown, memories of walking and driving down familiar streets, memories of a younger me that wanted more than anything to leave and live. As the years distance me from my old prison, the feelings of nosolgia only become stranger and the memories only more cloying. I wont go back into the closet, so I have that, but it still will not stop me from remembering the sad and lonely boy I used to be and crying out of grattitude that I survived. The town is tainted, while it will always in a complicated way be home, it also is as grim of a reminder as a tombstone.
This whole post is allowing me to vent my thoughts and frustrations. As I was taking a hot shower I got to thinking of the pros and cons of my vacation. I miss the strong winds, my secret walks, and above all the people and animals I love; and those things will make it all worth it.