Supernatural Fic: Tales From the Pit (or, Lucifer's Diary)
HI GUYS I WROTE SUPERNATURAL FIC. \o/
This has actually been ruminating in my noggin ever since an exchange that took place about a month ago on ontd_spnparty and I just now managed to write it all down. These are not all my ideas, I just threw them together!
Pretty heavy spoilers for the end of Season 5 and a little for the beginning of Season 6, so if you're still not caught up I wouldn't recommend reading this just yet.
Otherwise, enjoy the crack! :D
Title: Tales From the Pit (or, Lucifer's Diary)
Characters/Rating: Lucifer and Michael; PG
Summary: How have Lucifer and Michael been amusing themselves all summer...?
- - -
Day 1
Back in Hell. Day officially ruined.
Michael here, too, which is just fantastic. Hole not nearly big enough for two of us. Keep bumping into each other whilst pacing. Is most unpleasant.
Starting countdown until freedom. Would pray for freedom if God was not great big missing douche who kind of hates me.
Alas.
Day 4
Getting sick of Michael’s incessant grumbling. Sadly not enough room in hole for proper battle to make him shut up. Perhaps could smack him around a little.
Am very tempted.
Day 5
Smacking around apparently not what Michael was looking for. He has now assigned us corners. Would like to argue but am far too cozy in my corner.
Wish Michael would stop blaming me for this.
Also wish he would spontaneously combust.
Day 8
Michael spoke up for first time in three days. Grumpily accused me of farting. Apparently he is unfamiliar with smell of sulfur.
Told him he was one who farted. He called me a child.
Hate Michael.
Day 13
Am becoming very bored. Current vessel very twitchy. Must not like to sit still. Once-cozy corner is now making butt sore. Wish I had television. Humans have it so easy.
Have decided to amuse self by staring at Michael until he grows uncomfortable.
Day 18
Michael apparently immune to awkward staring. Staring contest ensued instead. Michael lost.
Sucker.
Human eyes very unpleasant after not blinking for five days. Am rather grossed out.
Michael: 0 Me: 1
Day 21
Michael finally done sulking. Wants rematch. Am awesome and merciful, despite what gossips say, so challenged him to game of twenty questions.
Thought of Beelzebub.
Michael guessed in two questions.
Accused Michael of cheating. Got smacked and told to return to my corner.
Hate Michael.
Michael: 1 Me: 1
Day 35
Challenged Michael to thumb war. Rather disconcerted by how enthusiastically he agreed.
War lasted eight days. Many casualties. Finally emerged victorious. Michael sulking again.
Have determined Michael is a baby.
Michael: 1 Me: 2
Day 37
Michael claims he spies with his little eye something black. Am baffled, as everything is black. Randomly guess floor. Am apparently correct.
Claim to spy something lower than depths of Hell.
Michael guesses my chances in winning fight against him.
Actual answer was his IQ.
Michael pouting again. Feel day is success.
Michael: 1 Me: 3
Day 42
Ambushed today by Michael demanding tournament of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Believe he is trying to regain “pride.” Silly archangel.
Have decided on best of 1,000,001. Let the games begin.
Day 76
Michael: 566,823 Me: 433,178.
FML.
Michael: 2 Me: 3
Day 100
Wished Michael happy anniversary. Was not expecting to be hit with smelly shoe in return. Apparently younger Winchester vessel having hygiene issues. Am wondering whether Sam smells, too. Cannot tell over reek of sulfur.
Suspect am becoming claustrophobic. Either that or Michael getting bigger. Both possibilities v. disconcerting.
Day 105
Michael scratched very large grid onto one wall. Claims we should play Connect Four Million.
Am starting to remember why I used to like him.
Day 111
Plan to craftily win Connect Four Million foiled. Stopped by Michael at 2,687,350. Feel gloating laughter rather unnecessary. Now understand why Dean Winchester said all angels are dicks.
Michael: 3 Me: 3
Day 118
Michael thinking of movie. Cannot for life of me think of any movie except Star Wars. Luckily, neither can Michael.
Declared movie game stupid and had another thumb war instead.
Michael won so shoved him into wall. Feel a little better.
Michael: 4 Me: 3
Day 126
Time not passing quite so slowly anymore. Suspect daily games of Tic-Tac-Toe help.
Should really have thought of that last time I was here.
Mental note for next time.
Day 133
Michael suggested we play hide and seek. Michael apparently not as smart as he looks, as cannot fathom where he thinks he sees adequate place to hide in pit.
Agreed to play anyway, as am bored.
- Later -
Still cannot find Michael. Am utterly baffled. Wonder if Sam is going blind.
- Even Later -
This is getting ridiculous. Am starting to question sanity.
- Even Later Than Later -
Have given up. More than slightly frightened for sanity, as cannot help but worry about Michael. Stupid brotherly concern.
Day 134
Finally found Michael. Claims he found way out of pit if we ditch meat suits. Am sensing trap, but have been in hole long enough to not particularly care.
So long, Sam.
Hello, Hell.
- - -
Obviously I have no idea what really happened, and we learned in the premiere that Sam was actually out of Hell almost right away, so I'm just going to write off these 134 days in the pit as time passing faster in Hell than on Earth. Yep.
Thanks for reading, guys! Leave a comment if you like! :D
This has actually been ruminating in my noggin ever since an exchange that took place about a month ago on ontd_spnparty and I just now managed to write it all down. These are not all my ideas, I just threw them together!
Pretty heavy spoilers for the end of Season 5 and a little for the beginning of Season 6, so if you're still not caught up I wouldn't recommend reading this just yet.
Otherwise, enjoy the crack! :D
Title: Tales From the Pit (or, Lucifer's Diary)
Characters/Rating: Lucifer and Michael; PG
Summary: How have Lucifer and Michael been amusing themselves all summer...?
- - -
Day 1
Back in Hell. Day officially ruined.
Michael here, too, which is just fantastic. Hole not nearly big enough for two of us. Keep bumping into each other whilst pacing. Is most unpleasant.
Starting countdown until freedom. Would pray for freedom if God was not great big missing douche who kind of hates me.
Alas.
Day 4
Getting sick of Michael’s incessant grumbling. Sadly not enough room in hole for proper battle to make him shut up. Perhaps could smack him around a little.
Am very tempted.
Day 5
Smacking around apparently not what Michael was looking for. He has now assigned us corners. Would like to argue but am far too cozy in my corner.
Wish Michael would stop blaming me for this.
Also wish he would spontaneously combust.
Day 8
Michael spoke up for first time in three days. Grumpily accused me of farting. Apparently he is unfamiliar with smell of sulfur.
Told him he was one who farted. He called me a child.
Hate Michael.
Day 13
Am becoming very bored. Current vessel very twitchy. Must not like to sit still. Once-cozy corner is now making butt sore. Wish I had television. Humans have it so easy.
Have decided to amuse self by staring at Michael until he grows uncomfortable.
Day 18
Michael apparently immune to awkward staring. Staring contest ensued instead. Michael lost.
Sucker.
Human eyes very unpleasant after not blinking for five days. Am rather grossed out.
Michael: 0 Me: 1
Day 21
Michael finally done sulking. Wants rematch. Am awesome and merciful, despite what gossips say, so challenged him to game of twenty questions.
Thought of Beelzebub.
Michael guessed in two questions.
Accused Michael of cheating. Got smacked and told to return to my corner.
Hate Michael.
Michael: 1 Me: 1
Day 35
Challenged Michael to thumb war. Rather disconcerted by how enthusiastically he agreed.
War lasted eight days. Many casualties. Finally emerged victorious. Michael sulking again.
Have determined Michael is a baby.
Michael: 1 Me: 2
Day 37
Michael claims he spies with his little eye something black. Am baffled, as everything is black. Randomly guess floor. Am apparently correct.
Claim to spy something lower than depths of Hell.
Michael guesses my chances in winning fight against him.
Actual answer was his IQ.
Michael pouting again. Feel day is success.
Michael: 1 Me: 3
Day 42
Ambushed today by Michael demanding tournament of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Believe he is trying to regain “pride.” Silly archangel.
Have decided on best of 1,000,001. Let the games begin.
Day 76
Michael: 566,823 Me: 433,178.
FML.
Michael: 2 Me: 3
Day 100
Wished Michael happy anniversary. Was not expecting to be hit with smelly shoe in return. Apparently younger Winchester vessel having hygiene issues. Am wondering whether Sam smells, too. Cannot tell over reek of sulfur.
Suspect am becoming claustrophobic. Either that or Michael getting bigger. Both possibilities v. disconcerting.
Day 105
Michael scratched very large grid onto one wall. Claims we should play Connect Four Million.
Am starting to remember why I used to like him.
Day 111
Plan to craftily win Connect Four Million foiled. Stopped by Michael at 2,687,350. Feel gloating laughter rather unnecessary. Now understand why Dean Winchester said all angels are dicks.
Michael: 3 Me: 3
Day 118
Michael thinking of movie. Cannot for life of me think of any movie except Star Wars. Luckily, neither can Michael.
Declared movie game stupid and had another thumb war instead.
Michael won so shoved him into wall. Feel a little better.
Michael: 4 Me: 3
Day 126
Time not passing quite so slowly anymore. Suspect daily games of Tic-Tac-Toe help.
Should really have thought of that last time I was here.
Mental note for next time.
Day 133
Michael suggested we play hide and seek. Michael apparently not as smart as he looks, as cannot fathom where he thinks he sees adequate place to hide in pit.
Agreed to play anyway, as am bored.
- Later -
Still cannot find Michael. Am utterly baffled. Wonder if Sam is going blind.
- Even Later -
This is getting ridiculous. Am starting to question sanity.
- Even Later Than Later -
Have given up. More than slightly frightened for sanity, as cannot help but worry about Michael. Stupid brotherly concern.
Day 134
Finally found Michael. Claims he found way out of pit if we ditch meat suits. Am sensing trap, but have been in hole long enough to not particularly care.
So long, Sam.
Hello, Hell.
- - -
Obviously I have no idea what really happened, and we learned in the premiere that Sam was actually out of Hell almost right away, so I'm just going to write off these 134 days in the pit as time passing faster in Hell than on Earth. Yep.
Thanks for reading, guys! Leave a comment if you like! :D