I can hear you singing to me in my sleep...
Every day in life, we have things happen that we cannot come to terms with. We all face our personal tragedies, the things that we think might as well end it all. I mean, what is the point of going forward when our reason for doing so is taken away from us? For me, my motivations have always stemmed from one of two places: my friends, and myself. My friends are always the most important people in my life and I would do anything for them, even to my own detriment. I put myself second, but never any lower. If I think that I would benefit from something, I do it, so long as it doesn't interfere with my friendships or the time that I can spend with my friends. Whether that is a good idea or not, I'm pretty sure of the answer - but I do it nonetheless. Lately, I've been facing a dilemma. Someone came into my life who brought intellectualism and deep thoughts back to my world - two things that I think have been missing since the last time I hung out with Devin, maybe even since high school. As such, I was given a choice more often than not about my behavior - no longer was I constrained to the nightly binging of my roommates and friends, but I had the choice to stay sober and have amazing conversation. At the same time, those who had been my companions in indulgence began to take their habits over the deep end and a chasm opened between us. When they wanted to drink, I wanted to go to bed. When they were going out, I was happy to stay at home and watch a movie. They called me an old man. Perhaps I am. Or maybe I'm just more in touch with what is best for me. I refuse to believe that the only way that I can enjoy myself is to get blitzed and not remember half of what happened the night before. Such may be the collegiate way, but it is in no manner my way. I have too much to offer myself to cut it short with Bud Light. Maybe such is the naivete of sobriety - that we can always justify our sobriety just as well as a drunkard can justify his intoxication.
Nonetheless, I have to wonder what it is that makes me fit now that my perfection has been taken away. I have been led to the precipice with my friends, pushed away for my moderation. It was okay then, because I always knew that if pushed too far, he could fly me away to safety and better things. Now I have no one to catch me if I fall, but I am still moderate in comparison and thus not an inherent part of the clique. Where do I go from here? I cannot remember the last time that my roommates and I hung out without some kind of attitude flying from one to another about the state of the apartment, which hasn't been properly and fully clean in months. The reason, you may ask, since we used to be such sticklers for spotlessness? One deciding factor was the fact that we got to a point where we could not go more than two days without having at least 6 other people over who drank and left messes all over the apartment without ever helping clean up after themselves. Additionally, we have other people who use it as their own personal home even though they don't do chores or pay rent. Instead, they simply create mess and waste and leave the clean-up to us. Nonetheless, I have felt an ever-widening gap forming, and I have questioned what it is that keeps us friends. Why do I spend all of my time with these people? Is it their redeeming social virtues? By no measure. Is it their overwhelming intellectual opinions? Not even close. Is it that I respect what they plan to do with their lives? No. Do they make me feel happier when I'm around them? In many cases, even this is not the case. They do very little for me personally, and I do little for them. I feel like a sidenote to their drinking experiences. A footnote in their college memoirs.
Perhaps I just need some time away, some time to refocus on what I need, to push these 'friends' of mine to the back burner for a little while and figure out what it is that is best for me. I'm not sure what is best here, because shifting my focus in life from my friends would be the first time that I've ever done such a thing in my life. Ever since I first began making solid friends, I've never experienced such a maneuver. But lately, I've been feeling as though I were back in elementary school, when I was the unpopular kid on the outskirts of the crowd. The one who was always an 'also there' but never an integral part of the plot. The only time that I was ever important was when I was being put down by others, and I can never deal with being put back in that situation. But lately, I've felt myself reverting back through the years to my social isolation of years past where my 'friends' were really those who tormented me with greatest frequency. This is not to be some sad story of how my life is horrible. Quite on the contrary, I am feeling these last two weeks, with a glaring exception, as though my life is looking up. I am unabashedly ecstatic with the state of the world around me, but it is with confusion that I address the topics of those whom I consider most important in my life. I have much to consider, but I have no doubt that I will make the best decision for myself and those around me.
Oftentimes, we may not understand what others think is best, but nonetheless, if we care about them, we must accept their judgment with the ultimate knowledge that it is always best to trust the competence of those we care about - for, if we are lucky, they care about us as much as we care about them.
Nonetheless, I have to wonder what it is that makes me fit now that my perfection has been taken away. I have been led to the precipice with my friends, pushed away for my moderation. It was okay then, because I always knew that if pushed too far, he could fly me away to safety and better things. Now I have no one to catch me if I fall, but I am still moderate in comparison and thus not an inherent part of the clique. Where do I go from here? I cannot remember the last time that my roommates and I hung out without some kind of attitude flying from one to another about the state of the apartment, which hasn't been properly and fully clean in months. The reason, you may ask, since we used to be such sticklers for spotlessness? One deciding factor was the fact that we got to a point where we could not go more than two days without having at least 6 other people over who drank and left messes all over the apartment without ever helping clean up after themselves. Additionally, we have other people who use it as their own personal home even though they don't do chores or pay rent. Instead, they simply create mess and waste and leave the clean-up to us. Nonetheless, I have felt an ever-widening gap forming, and I have questioned what it is that keeps us friends. Why do I spend all of my time with these people? Is it their redeeming social virtues? By no measure. Is it their overwhelming intellectual opinions? Not even close. Is it that I respect what they plan to do with their lives? No. Do they make me feel happier when I'm around them? In many cases, even this is not the case. They do very little for me personally, and I do little for them. I feel like a sidenote to their drinking experiences. A footnote in their college memoirs.
Perhaps I just need some time away, some time to refocus on what I need, to push these 'friends' of mine to the back burner for a little while and figure out what it is that is best for me. I'm not sure what is best here, because shifting my focus in life from my friends would be the first time that I've ever done such a thing in my life. Ever since I first began making solid friends, I've never experienced such a maneuver. But lately, I've been feeling as though I were back in elementary school, when I was the unpopular kid on the outskirts of the crowd. The one who was always an 'also there' but never an integral part of the plot. The only time that I was ever important was when I was being put down by others, and I can never deal with being put back in that situation. But lately, I've felt myself reverting back through the years to my social isolation of years past where my 'friends' were really those who tormented me with greatest frequency. This is not to be some sad story of how my life is horrible. Quite on the contrary, I am feeling these last two weeks, with a glaring exception, as though my life is looking up. I am unabashedly ecstatic with the state of the world around me, but it is with confusion that I address the topics of those whom I consider most important in my life. I have much to consider, but I have no doubt that I will make the best decision for myself and those around me.
Oftentimes, we may not understand what others think is best, but nonetheless, if we care about them, we must accept their judgment with the ultimate knowledge that it is always best to trust the competence of those we care about - for, if we are lucky, they care about us as much as we care about them.