(no subject)
Many inner struggles are surfacing tonight.... all spawned from a midnight call from a seemingly forlorn individual. I detest trying to balance my actions and responses. I can't be too mothering, I can't be too indifferent, and I can't be too wize; only a perfect blend will do. Unfortunantly, I'm not a chef nor am I an interior decorator. I can only try my best, even though I'm plagued afterwards with "I should have"s.
Had this been a year ago, or possibly even a few months, I would have jumped at the opportunity to lead what I concider a lost sheep... not of God, but of life. I'd spout my hypocracy until my face turned blue and the other person was satisfied enough to sleep well that night. Now I can't bring myself to do it. I can only listen and pray it makes a difference; perhaps offer a few words of wisdom or advice. I've found myself suddenly standing on tender ground, and no matter what direction I move it better be the right one... or else the earth beneath my feet will inevitably sink and I'll be left knowing my actions disgraced the landscape.
I almost feel as though I'm looking in a mirror, which I've always felt around this individual. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult helping them... because it's as though I'm helping myself. Either way my heart will be heavy until I hear from them again knowing everything is relatively okay.... to know the most recent indulgence didn't lead to a fresh grave marker.
I've accepted that everyone must make their own mistakes and there's really nothing I can do to prevent them aside from standing behind them incase they fall backward. That doesn't make it any easier to watch, nor does it surpress the tears.
Had this been a year ago, or possibly even a few months, I would have jumped at the opportunity to lead what I concider a lost sheep... not of God, but of life. I'd spout my hypocracy until my face turned blue and the other person was satisfied enough to sleep well that night. Now I can't bring myself to do it. I can only listen and pray it makes a difference; perhaps offer a few words of wisdom or advice. I've found myself suddenly standing on tender ground, and no matter what direction I move it better be the right one... or else the earth beneath my feet will inevitably sink and I'll be left knowing my actions disgraced the landscape.
I almost feel as though I'm looking in a mirror, which I've always felt around this individual. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult helping them... because it's as though I'm helping myself. Either way my heart will be heavy until I hear from them again knowing everything is relatively okay.... to know the most recent indulgence didn't lead to a fresh grave marker.
I've accepted that everyone must make their own mistakes and there's really nothing I can do to prevent them aside from standing behind them incase they fall backward. That doesn't make it any easier to watch, nor does it surpress the tears.