Writings ramble
Ramble blamble…
It’s one of those days when I think of throwing everything aside and never leave my bed again. One of those days I will not find the will to get up and go to work, or even as far as my own living room, some day… maybe Sunday.
For now I try to fight myself to go back to writing, and the more I read others works the more I lose the battle with the little whispering voice - you will never write so good. Damn perfectionist nature, damn impatience to learn. It’s not that I don’t know it, don’t know that I need to practice to improve, I do, I really do. I did spend four years of hard work and tears just learning to write properly in my native language. And working on fanfiction in English for only a year I shouldn’t really expect any miracles.
But I freaking do.
I’m normally quite a patient person, it’s more than 12 months since I broke my phone and I’m still waiting for some new one;quite patiently for that one plot of occasions that will allow me to buy the dream one, and not for a cost of an arm and an leg. But I’m absolutely impatient when it comes to things I have some illusion of control - like my writing.
I lack patience to sit and think about what I want to write, it’s usually a spur of a moment, an idea that just flows from my fingers on keyboard.
I lack patience to find the errors and fix them.
I lack the patience to wait for beta feedback (for which my beta should kill me actually).
Plus I’m, depending on the mood I’m convinced that I will never write anything remotely close to what I see worthwhile on the net; and next day I start ambitious project of writing a murder mystery for NaNo allowing it to rot on my harddisk for over six months, without edits.
Because I lack patience to do that. In my awful perfectionist nature I expect to write everything perfectly on the first go, and of course it’s impossible, but then my perfectionist me is gone and terrified of any changes that must be done. Knowledge that it all need’s time is there, just the acknowledging is lacking. And on the days like this I just want to throw it all on the wall and sit on my couch watching the wall, hoping that maybe it will give me some bright idea of what the hell should I do with myself now.