Still bored. Rambly. Bit broken.
Update time again. My friends continue to be wonderful. *hugs them* :) Life is pretty good aside from brain pets (which are the next section :p) Last week (possibly? The days are running together at this point) I had people over and inflicted Sherlock on them, ( they liked it, mwahaha! I love spreading fandoms :p) was good fun. Also watched some Being Human (Another recent-ish (ok, not really, but recent for me) win from the BBC, if you haven't seen it, do so, it's really SO much better than the premise makes it sound. In fact, don't read the premise at all, just go and watch it) also there was ice-cream. An excellent day. *nods*
On Saturday I visited Zakzahn and Codym, we watched Aliens, then Sherlock Holmes (the movie version this time. It's still awesome :D Doyle's characters stand up to multiple interpretations without me needing to dislike one to like another. At some point I really want to watch the Jeremy Brett series, because I've seen a few clips, and he is brilliant. [/ramble])
A note at this point. It's helpful to me to write things down, because I find writing can be part of my thinking process, almost as if I don't know what I'm thinking until it appears on the page, so mostly I'm just thinking out loud for my own benefit. Feel free to disregard if you want. Not bothering to lock it though, I don't particularly care.
Aaaaand...the rest. I'm supposed to be working on an art...thing, but that requires feeling more inspired than a damp towel. I don't.
Which brings me to the brain pets.
I'm considering uni again for next year, thinking I could have one more crack at it before I give it up as a lost cause. But I don't know, I'm having trouble being certain about anything. Still haven't the slightest clue what I want to do, but at this point I feel like the "grown up career" option has sailed, and I'm not sure what that leaves me with. Feeling very sick of knowing vague pieces of many things but not knowing enough about any one thing. There's *something* in me that needs to get done, I'm absolutely certain, but I still can't find it.
The thing is, I'm clever. I know I am. But that doesn't translate into anything useful, or even smart, all it does is makes the wheels spin endlessly off on stupid tangents all the time. I have a bunch of ideas that I can't use, and things I WANT to do that I'm unable to, and it's like having an entirely different person stuck in my head, buried under piles and piles of junk.
Because, the rest of my head is still broken, the cogs don't mesh properly. Whatever the last piece is that links WANTING to do something with actually DOING it has fallen down into the depths of the machine somewhere, and I end up here, bored out of my skull, wanting to study, or work, or create something, or...do ANYTHING really, but having issues doing even basic things like dishes and washing, or getting out of bed at all. I've slept through a good chunk of my time recently. It's absolutely maddening.
And then, when I do attempt something, it takes an effort of will that leaves me unable to cope AT ALL if it goes wrong (which makes me feel like a complete flake, which doesn't help the situation, or the mental load), and it's STILL boring, because there's nothing there to drive it, so it's going uphill all the time, which makes whatever I might have enjoyed completely tedious, and if I'm not interested nothing works, so it all grinds to a halt again.
All of that sort of makes sense to me, but at the same time it's very hard to explain, even to myself, why things just don't...work.
On Saturday I visited Zakzahn and Codym, we watched Aliens, then Sherlock Holmes (the movie version this time. It's still awesome :D Doyle's characters stand up to multiple interpretations without me needing to dislike one to like another. At some point I really want to watch the Jeremy Brett series, because I've seen a few clips, and he is brilliant. [/ramble])
A note at this point. It's helpful to me to write things down, because I find writing can be part of my thinking process, almost as if I don't know what I'm thinking until it appears on the page, so mostly I'm just thinking out loud for my own benefit. Feel free to disregard if you want. Not bothering to lock it though, I don't particularly care.
Aaaaand...the rest. I'm supposed to be working on an art...thing, but that requires feeling more inspired than a damp towel. I don't.
Which brings me to the brain pets.
I'm considering uni again for next year, thinking I could have one more crack at it before I give it up as a lost cause. But I don't know, I'm having trouble being certain about anything. Still haven't the slightest clue what I want to do, but at this point I feel like the "grown up career" option has sailed, and I'm not sure what that leaves me with. Feeling very sick of knowing vague pieces of many things but not knowing enough about any one thing. There's *something* in me that needs to get done, I'm absolutely certain, but I still can't find it.
The thing is, I'm clever. I know I am. But that doesn't translate into anything useful, or even smart, all it does is makes the wheels spin endlessly off on stupid tangents all the time. I have a bunch of ideas that I can't use, and things I WANT to do that I'm unable to, and it's like having an entirely different person stuck in my head, buried under piles and piles of junk.
Because, the rest of my head is still broken, the cogs don't mesh properly. Whatever the last piece is that links WANTING to do something with actually DOING it has fallen down into the depths of the machine somewhere, and I end up here, bored out of my skull, wanting to study, or work, or create something, or...do ANYTHING really, but having issues doing even basic things like dishes and washing, or getting out of bed at all. I've slept through a good chunk of my time recently. It's absolutely maddening.
And then, when I do attempt something, it takes an effort of will that leaves me unable to cope AT ALL if it goes wrong (which makes me feel like a complete flake, which doesn't help the situation, or the mental load), and it's STILL boring, because there's nothing there to drive it, so it's going uphill all the time, which makes whatever I might have enjoyed completely tedious, and if I'm not interested nothing works, so it all grinds to a halt again.
All of that sort of makes sense to me, but at the same time it's very hard to explain, even to myself, why things just don't...work.