[nieljoe] petty fears and early morning kisses
title: petty fears and early morning kisses
pairing: niel/l.joe
genre: rom..an..c..e...? flu..ff?? comfo..r.t??? th..i..ng...?????
rating: pg
word count: 2.3k
the rooftop is chilly. a cool breeze filters around daniel as he steps out into the dark and he shivers instinctively, finding himself wishing he'd grabbed a jacket or at least put on a warmer shirt before heading up. but he's already here, and going back to get something would take time and be noisy, so he might as well just deal with the nighttime chill.
he stands for a moment by the door, arms folder in an attempt to keep warm. then he moves to the rail and grips it to lower himself to a seated position, his legs hanging over the edge of the building. from here, he can see down into the streets. he sets his arms on the lower part of the railing and rests his head on them, gazing at nothing in particular.
the street lights illuminate the road and give off an eerie glow. with the absence of the cars that are usually driving through during the day, it feels too silent, like someone sucked all the sound into a blackhole. he doesn't even hear the door open or the light footsteps that accompany a slender, small figure.
"niel-ah, it's late. why are you out here?"
"don't you mean early?" daniel corrects. when he'd glanced a clock on his way out, it had read 2:00 am. "i just wanted to clear my head, hyung, that’s all."
"you can't clear it inside?" l.joe asks, sitting down next to him. or is it byunghun this time, daniel can never tell.
"there are no fans around, if that's what you're worried about," he says, absentmindedly looking over at the smaller boy. he looks so out of place next to daniel in the dark like this, like a little lost child. it makes daniel want to reach out and take the elder boy into his arms, but niel won't let him. niel is more reasonable than daniel. niel doesn't let his emotions get carried away.
"i'm not," l.joe says, because daniel is nearly certain it's l.joe he's talking to (it almost always), "worried. about that, anyway." yes, it's definitely l.joe. "i was worried about you."
byunghun never expresses concern for daniel. he never expresses much at all, actually.
"don't be," niel takes over. if daniel had answered, he might have given it away. the reason he came out onto the roof in the first place. daniel's good at that; giving stuff away. that's why niel has to be careful.
l.joe says nothing for a while, just sits next to niel and looks down at the road with indifference. he doesn't seem tired, so he was probably awake when daniel got up. niel knew he shouldn't have let daniel get up.
"you..." l.joe starts. his voice sounds strangely muffled, like somehow it, too, is being affected by the odd nighttime silence. "you seemed... different today. quiet." niel stiffens. "well, yesterday now, i guess. it was our anniversary, so i thought you'd be happy. well, happier."
oh, niel was happy all right. three years with teen top is a big thing to celebrate, and even now niel feels a warmth swelling in his chest when he thinks about it. but it wasn't niel who celebrated the anniversary. and niel and daniel have very conflicting opinions about it.
"i was," niel replies.
"then why didn't you show it? when we went out to eat, you hardly said a word," l.joe says. niel's shoulders slump.
he wonders if byunghun would have sat there quietly, too, just like daniel did. he wonders sometimes if byunghun even exists.
"there wasn't much to say," he mutters, eyes following a lone suv that passes by down below.
"on our anniversary?" l.joe sounds incredulous. l.joe is pretty astute, niel has come to learn. "we were celebrating our third anniversary and you didn't think there was much to say?"
"everyone else was doing the talking, i didn't see why i had to," he says dully.
he can feel l.joe's eyes boring into him, scrutinizing him. l.joe knows he's lying. he can probably tell that niel is covering for daniel.
"it was an important day," the elder boy says softly. "you could have come up with something to say.”
one simple statement is all it takes for daniel to snap.
"and what, talk about how great it is, working my ass off for a bunch of people who don't even respect my privacy?" he says sharply, taking l.joe by surprise. "about how much i enjoy practicing for eighteen hours of the day until i can barely move, and then tossing and turning in bed for the remaining six?" the elder's eyes widen. "about how i have to keep my emotions completely hidden because the fans might start a scandal if i so much as even hint toward being interested in someone? or about how everyone's expectations are so high that i can't see them anymore, even if i stand on my tiptoes?"
l.joe's mouth opens and closes but no sound comes out. daniel is on a roll anyway, so he's not about to let the other male stop him.
"sometimes my voice doesn't cooperate and it leaves me so terrified," he continues just above a whisper. "i get so scared that one of these days, they're going to find someone better than me. that they’ll replace me. i know i'm not the best looking idol. i don't have a great personality, and my voice gets rougher every day. i'm not improving like chunji is, or changjo, or for god's sake, even ricky. you and and cap have composing. i feel like i'm getting left behind and pretty soon teen top will only be... five... members."
he falls silent as another car drives down the road.
it's a stupid worry, one he knows is all but unfounded. or, at least, niel knows it is. he's been in musicals, he was in the fanta cf, and his popularity has been on the rise for a while, even since teen top’s debut. but daniel doesn't have niel's confidence. daniel is frightened because three years is a long commitment, one he never knew he'd be willing to make. all the sacrifices he's made, as well as the ones he knows he'll continue to have to make, weigh down on him as if they've somehow been chained to him. he doesn't know how much longer he can take it.
niel can endure, but daniel is deteriorating.
"so this is what's been on your mind," l.joe says. his voice is soft, and if daniel had bothered to look, he'd have seen that the elder boy's gaze was equally so. "i was wondering if you would tell me."
"go ahead and laugh," daniel grumbles, intently staring at the road to fight the tears that threaten his eyes.
this is so pathetic. he hates talking about his problems. they seem infinite and endless in his head, but the minute he tries to put them into words, they sound stupid and childish, and he hates it. he hates how vulnerable it makes him.
but l.joe doesn't laugh. in fact, he stays quiet for a long while. daniel's not sure what he's doing, and he's not about to risk looking over to see some sort of ridicule in the other male's eyes.
finally, "you think we don't all feel that way at some point?"
the question catches him by surprise, and now he's forced to glance toward l.joe. his expression is unreadable.
he wonders if it's still l.joe.
"we're a team aren't we? what's the use in that if we can't even come to each other for help?"
is there pain in his eyes? or maybe the darkness is playing tricks on him, daniel's not sure.
he is quite sure, though, that he feels even more pathetic than before. how could he dare to burden the group with such trivial fears?
"i've got my own worries, too, you know," l.joe continues. there's something in his voice now, something that catches daniel's attention. "i struggle everyday, thinking i'm not good enough." daniel opens his mouth to protest, but he quickly continues before the younger has a chance, "it doesn't have to do with the group! well, ok, it, um, sort of does, but, uh, not in the way you're thinking of, ok?"
is he... flustered? l.joe doesn't get flustered.
.... byunghun?
"i-it's just, we do fanservice all the time, it's become almost natural, you know?" the elder boy mumbles, and even in the dark, daniel can make out blush on his face. it must be bright. "so, sometimes i... have trouble... distinguishing... between fanservice... and... reality."
daniel's thoughts flash to their interactions onstage, during interviews, at fanmeets.
to the times l.joe had clung to him, said 'i love you,' and pretended to kiss him.
"sometimes i get... scared," byunghun goes on quietly. "that you'd... hate me... if you found out about my... thoughts."
daniel's heart skips a beat. he can’t mean...
"but that's where i'm not good enough, you see. i let myself get carried away. and i ended up really... really... liking... you..." the younger boy stares at him as he looks at the road, his lap, anywhere to avert his gaze. "there, i said it. it's disgusting, i know. every time i think about it, i feel so guilty that i want to give up and quit the group. it takes so much effort to hide it, to seem calm and collected."
daniel has always wondered about byunghun. not l.joe, no; l.joe is open and easy to read. but byunghun is different. he is mysterious, closed off, like he'd locked all his pieces and thoughts into drawers and then swallowed the key so that no one would find it.
daniel has always wanted to be the one to find that key. to explore those drawers and discover just what makes the elder boy tick. to see who lee byunghun is, without l.joe concealing everything.
right now, the way byunghun is blushing, he kind of feels like, rather than finding it by himself, the elder boy had simply handed it to him without a fight.
he definitely hadn't expected that.
"i'm sorry, niel-ah, i followed you so that you could talk to me, but i ended up telling you something uncomfortable," byunghun laughs nervously, mussing his hair with one hand. "if it troubles you, you can just-"
and then daniel is doing probably what he does best. speaking without thinking.
"kiss me."
"-forget i said anything-" byunghun stops abruptly, finally meeting daniel's eyes. his mouth hangs open for a few seconds out of shock before he can stammer, "wh-wh-what did you say??"
daniel thinks he likes byunghun. especially with that shade of red on his cheeks.
"i said," he whispers, leaning closer, "kiss me."
byunghun hesitates uncertainly, but daniel doesn't come any closer. he seems to gauge whether or not he should take the younger boy seriously.
but daniel closes his eyes, and presently feels byunghun's lips meet his.
petty worries aside, the kiss makes his body feel like it's on fire and causes his heart to beat three- no, four times it's normal speed. where niel refused to extend his arms, daniel is reaching out and tugging byunghun closer. where niel refused to feel anything for the elder boy, daniel can attest that he has never so badly desired anyone in his entire life.
he finds himself thinking that maybe it wasn’t so bad to confide in l.joe - in byunghun. that a third anniversary isn’t such a bad thing if it means he has byunghun there with him. that the group would never abandon him, even if he couldn’t sing anymore.
byunghun must be exceptionally corny if he can make daniel think things like that.
they slowly break apart after a while longer, byunghun’s lips lingering next to daniel’s for even longer after that. he looks dazed and slightly contented, and his eyelids flutter in the same way daniel’s heart does.
“you....” byunghun murmurs, lifting one hand to touch his lips where daniel’s had been just moments ago. “do you... about me...?”
“idiot,” daniel says breathily, a smile tugging at his mouth for what he thinks is the first time that week. “yeah. i do.” byunghun swallows hard and lowers his hand, blushing once more.
yes, daniel does like byunghun. he likes byunghun infinitely more than l.joe, and there’s nothing niel can do about it. no matter how careful niel had been, daniel’s feelings for byunghun were inevitable. and he’d suffer whatever else the music industry and fans throw at him in order to stay right here by byunghun’s side.
“i can’t believe it,” the elder boy sighs, relief written all over his features and in his tone. “i was so afraid to talk to you. but i knew i had to. i thought you’d hate me. i was really close to hating me.” he laughs the same nervous laugh from before.
“don’t be stupid,” daniel says quietly, shooting him a look. “i could never hate you.” byunghun blushes even more brightly.
“sorry, niel-ah, i didn’t mean-”
“and call me daniel,” the younger male interrupts. “please.” byunghun stares at him briefly, mulling this over.
“... ok... daniel-ah...” he mutters, looking down at his feet. that’s more like, daniel thinks.
he’s long forgotten the chilly breeze, but he still shivers in spite of himself, yearning for the warm blankets of his bed. the two of them remain where they are for a short while longer, but then he’s also realizing how much his eyelids have begun to droop and how heavy his limbs are.
byunghun says it before he gets a chance.
“we should head inside.” all daniel can do is nod, allowing the smaller boy to help him to his feet and lead him to the door, fingers laced. “so is your head clear now?” another nod. “and how do you feel about a fourth anniversary? and a fifth?”
“i’ll figure it out,” he says.