Nosce te ipsum
Running a large two-day event with numerous things to do and people to not let down, and all with three hours sleep the night before and zero during the event itself, triggers different coping mechanisms in people both mentally and physically. I am a machine. I don't sleep, I don't relax, I stay focused as much as I can. I build up huge amounts of adrenaline, which takes days afterwards to dissipate. Coming off this frankly sucks, it's depressing and provokes self-reflection.
I think about the bizarre world of Mark Latham and his spectacular self-destruction, and in particular one comment made about it, about people pinning their happiness on the opinions of others. I would agree that this is a common character trait, possibly flaw, in people - not just those in positions where opinion is everything. How do you determine success and failure? How do you determine the worth of a person? And how much does it matter?
I am a results-based person. This means I believe I am the sum of my achievements, what I produce, what I have done and nothing more. If I consistently fail at the expense of success, I am a failure. If I consistently prove myself to be awesome, then I am. If people think what I produce is of a high standard, then it is. The opinions of others and your successes and failures are the only accurate judges of your own quality. My year 7 teacher, one of the wisest men I have had the pleasure of knowing, once said to me "You are judged by what you produce, not what you think you know in your head."
I am a person who is not content to be mediocre, or even good - I must be excellent, I must better myself in every possible way, I must succeed and succeed well and regularly. So I strive to become better and better, to keep up and then to overtake, to know and understand more. It drives me, it motivates me, it keeps me breathing, because I absolutely cannot let anyone down. I demand more and more of myself, and I push myself to succeed, if something isn't working then it is not worth doing, and if something is worth doing, then it must be excellent - if it's not then I have wasted my time.
I depend on results for who I am both professionally and personally. Consistent failure at the expense of success shows me to be the failure I am, and this depresses me; and every success puts me on top of the world until it is rationalised into obscurity. But they are few and far between. My life is a succession of failures from start to finish, weaving a trail of destruction that corrupts everything it touches, over and over and over. I have achieved nothing, therefore I am nothing - perhaps worse than nothing. I appear doomed to fail each time, in every possible way. I fool myself into believing I can do things, compete in arenas, take on tasks I cannot, when on even the simplest of fields I fail.
I don't feel I'm very likeable, and from the way my life has gone it appears true. I used to think it was them, perhaps they're just bastards. But with the way it goes I need to take a good hard look at myself and realise it me at fault, and fail to address, even identify, the problem that is me, and prevent the cycle of self destruction from continuing to wreak havoc. To continue to fail. To hate myself more.
Though bastard I am, I am a stubborn one; with an inability to give up. I keep trying, I keep hanging out for things to work, to strike it rich on a nugget of glory in a mountain of disappointment riddled with squandered opportunity. To prove to myself what I, what everyone somewhere in themselves, hopes is true. For my psyche demands it, and it does not cease to demand it, and I must obey - swimming towards the ever receding horizon waiting for a favourable current. I must seek to further understand myself, for to succeed perhaps I must know myself. Or at least understand something. Anything.
I think about the bizarre world of Mark Latham and his spectacular self-destruction, and in particular one comment made about it, about people pinning their happiness on the opinions of others. I would agree that this is a common character trait, possibly flaw, in people - not just those in positions where opinion is everything. How do you determine success and failure? How do you determine the worth of a person? And how much does it matter?
I am a results-based person. This means I believe I am the sum of my achievements, what I produce, what I have done and nothing more. If I consistently fail at the expense of success, I am a failure. If I consistently prove myself to be awesome, then I am. If people think what I produce is of a high standard, then it is. The opinions of others and your successes and failures are the only accurate judges of your own quality. My year 7 teacher, one of the wisest men I have had the pleasure of knowing, once said to me "You are judged by what you produce, not what you think you know in your head."
I am a person who is not content to be mediocre, or even good - I must be excellent, I must better myself in every possible way, I must succeed and succeed well and regularly. So I strive to become better and better, to keep up and then to overtake, to know and understand more. It drives me, it motivates me, it keeps me breathing, because I absolutely cannot let anyone down. I demand more and more of myself, and I push myself to succeed, if something isn't working then it is not worth doing, and if something is worth doing, then it must be excellent - if it's not then I have wasted my time.
I depend on results for who I am both professionally and personally. Consistent failure at the expense of success shows me to be the failure I am, and this depresses me; and every success puts me on top of the world until it is rationalised into obscurity. But they are few and far between. My life is a succession of failures from start to finish, weaving a trail of destruction that corrupts everything it touches, over and over and over. I have achieved nothing, therefore I am nothing - perhaps worse than nothing. I appear doomed to fail each time, in every possible way. I fool myself into believing I can do things, compete in arenas, take on tasks I cannot, when on even the simplest of fields I fail.
I don't feel I'm very likeable, and from the way my life has gone it appears true. I used to think it was them, perhaps they're just bastards. But with the way it goes I need to take a good hard look at myself and realise it me at fault, and fail to address, even identify, the problem that is me, and prevent the cycle of self destruction from continuing to wreak havoc. To continue to fail. To hate myself more.
Though bastard I am, I am a stubborn one; with an inability to give up. I keep trying, I keep hanging out for things to work, to strike it rich on a nugget of glory in a mountain of disappointment riddled with squandered opportunity. To prove to myself what I, what everyone somewhere in themselves, hopes is true. For my psyche demands it, and it does not cease to demand it, and I must obey - swimming towards the ever receding horizon waiting for a favourable current. I must seek to further understand myself, for to succeed perhaps I must know myself. Or at least understand something. Anything.