The love that burns twice as bright...
I'm not even sure what to do, or say, or feel. I feel numb. I feel empty. I feel like I need to redo all of my life. I feel like I'm going to cry all the time.
I keep waking up feeling the pressure on my hip bones, which is where he always grabbed me. I keep feeling the tingles on my neck from where he would grab the back of my hair to kiss me. I keep feeling the pressure on my shoulders from where he would hold me pinned against the wall. He could pick me up so easily, because I was so much smaller than him. I wake up hoping this is all a dream, that Brandon will call me, wanting to talk about cars, or wanting to see me.
Our relationship was so rocky, we would break up and get back together all in a day. We could be yelling at each other, but then making up a few minutes later. We were both scared of how intensly we felt about each other, because we were so young and didn't know how to react. We were both so stubborn. We were both in love, but scared to be in love. We both knew we couldn't live without the other, but were scared of what that meant. We were addicted to each other, and it's not an addiction that was ever broken.
I would have run away and married him without a wedding at any point. I would have given up college and given him everything. I would have done anything to be with him... but we were both scared.
His mom accused me of only wanting him for his money. I would never let him buy me anything expensive, because I never wanted that. I wanted him, and I didn't care if we were rich or poor... I just wanted to be with him.
I won't forget what it felt like when we were together. I won't ever be able to forget the way his hands felt on me, or his mouth, or how his body felt against me.
When we were first together, we were careful so I didn't get pregnant. We were both too young and I already had Mia, so we didn't want to add to that stress. We wanted to be sure we could survive and provide for another child. Right before he left for the Army, he asked me to stop my birth control. He wanted me to get pregnant, so he knew he had a family to come home to. I managed to get pregnant, but miscarried early. I never could tell him because I was heart broken. When he asked me to meet him at the airport when he came home, when he was going through the divorce with Jaz, he asked me to again, and we spent that 10 days trying. I skipped class for those 2 weeks, and I didn't really care how it affected my grades. I got pregnant again then, and then he had to go back to Afghanistan. I found out I was pregnant shortly after, and made it to about 3 1/2 months, but then got in a car wreck and miscarried. I couldn't do anything for a long time after that. All I wanted to do was give him babies... and before him I never wanted kids. Even when I dated anyone else, I never wanted kids. It was only him. I only wanted him.
Everything about him was an addiction. If he wanted to see me, or was going to be here for a week or more, I broke up with boyfriends to go back to Brandon. I couldn't say no to him. I felt like he always had part of my soul, part of my heart, and I had part of his. We were always bound together. We fit together perfectly. We had to be together, it was like gravity was pulling us towards each other. I couldn't say no to him. I wanted him as much as he wanted me. It was more than lust, it never subsided even after 15 years. It was love that was terrifying to both of us. It always made me think of a couple of Blade Runner lines that I changed to fit our feelings. -
Quite an experience to live in love, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.
The love that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast... and ours has burned so, so brightly.
I love you Brandon. I always will. You'll always be a part of me, just like a piece of me was buried with you. I miss you, and I don't know how I will go on each day knowing that you're not out here, somewhere, breathing and loving and just being you. I know that there will never be anyone else that comes close to you, with that love that was so intense that it scared both of us.
ii smack skankz: i love you and i miss you
ii smack skankz: please be careful
Mean RT: love you too
mean rt: *holds you close* don't cry
I will always love you.
Sgt. Brandon Matthew Bonilla
July 18th, 1983
July 18th, 2003 (I fell in love with you)
July 13th, 2018