Its been a while...
...but I need somewhere that no one knows about (except a very select few...).
I am not in a good state of mind right now. I'm really not enjoying life at all. I have only one person here that seems to understand me and doesn't let high school bullshit get in the way of our friendship. And I so very much appreciate her. I just can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of Denver. I don't regret moving here...I think it was a good experience for me...but I do regret trusting the people that I've let into my life since I've moved here. None of the friendships I've made have stuck...and I'm not sure why.
People here have done some pretty shitty things to me...but I don't want to act like I didn't have a part in it. Obviously, if these things keep happening to me I must have done something to deserve it. I don't know...I just can't rationally believe that I haven't put something out there in the world that makes people act the way they do towards me. I can't pinpoint one thing that I've done to make people act the way they have...but I'm not naive enough to think that I haven't done something, anything...I just wish I could figure out what that thing is so that I can stop it and try to rebuild. Not rebuild the friendships that I've lost, but rebuild how I look at the world, how I interact and react to people, so maybe sometime my friendships will stick and I won't be left seemingly alone again.
This is all just babble, but its all that I'm thinking right now. Babble.
I want to improve upon myself. Make myself a better person. I just don't know how to do that.
I have two people that I am romantically interested in right now. One that I've known and stayed in touch with for almost 8 years. One that I knew in high school that I had a huge crush on that has recently re-entered my life. Both do not live anywhere near me, therefore cannot mean anything to me really. Story of my life, I suppose.
I'm tired of being lonely, tired of feeling out of touch, tired of secluding myself to my apartment and being a complete hermit most of the time.
My birthday is this Saturday and I'm not really even that excited about it. Not looking forward to it, really. Not because I'm getting older or whatever...I don't really care about that. I honestly don't know why I don't care about my birthday this year. I should want to go out and celebrate. And I probably will with Meghan...really the only person here that I've connected with in any sort of way that hasn't backfired into a horrible messy disaster. I'll probably get really drunk and not even truly enjoy myself. But, oh well. Gotta numb whatever the hell is going on with me somehow, right?
I am not in a good state of mind right now. I'm really not enjoying life at all. I have only one person here that seems to understand me and doesn't let high school bullshit get in the way of our friendship. And I so very much appreciate her. I just can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of Denver. I don't regret moving here...I think it was a good experience for me...but I do regret trusting the people that I've let into my life since I've moved here. None of the friendships I've made have stuck...and I'm not sure why.
People here have done some pretty shitty things to me...but I don't want to act like I didn't have a part in it. Obviously, if these things keep happening to me I must have done something to deserve it. I don't know...I just can't rationally believe that I haven't put something out there in the world that makes people act the way they do towards me. I can't pinpoint one thing that I've done to make people act the way they have...but I'm not naive enough to think that I haven't done something, anything...I just wish I could figure out what that thing is so that I can stop it and try to rebuild. Not rebuild the friendships that I've lost, but rebuild how I look at the world, how I interact and react to people, so maybe sometime my friendships will stick and I won't be left seemingly alone again.
This is all just babble, but its all that I'm thinking right now. Babble.
I want to improve upon myself. Make myself a better person. I just don't know how to do that.
I have two people that I am romantically interested in right now. One that I've known and stayed in touch with for almost 8 years. One that I knew in high school that I had a huge crush on that has recently re-entered my life. Both do not live anywhere near me, therefore cannot mean anything to me really. Story of my life, I suppose.
I'm tired of being lonely, tired of feeling out of touch, tired of secluding myself to my apartment and being a complete hermit most of the time.
My birthday is this Saturday and I'm not really even that excited about it. Not looking forward to it, really. Not because I'm getting older or whatever...I don't really care about that. I honestly don't know why I don't care about my birthday this year. I should want to go out and celebrate. And I probably will with Meghan...really the only person here that I've connected with in any sort of way that hasn't backfired into a horrible messy disaster. I'll probably get really drunk and not even truly enjoy myself. But, oh well. Gotta numb whatever the hell is going on with me somehow, right?