i just feel the need to update, OK?

[nicoles_song]

lately it seems like i only want to let people know about my happy moments and i keep my unhappy moments to myself. so, the last real written update i've made was a couple weeks ago when eric came home for the weekend and we just chilled the whole time. yeah, that was great and i was happy--once again just because i didn't know what was REALLY going on. last week? or the week before.. i don't remember... i drove over to rochester to see eric. it was going pretty well for awhile, until the second morning he had to go to work for an hour... sitting alone in his room (for the second day) i became suspicious. i HAD been a little suspicious before but, like times before, i thought to myself "he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, not now." and so THIS morning, i snooped. i went into his e-mail and found e-mails to and from this girl, kerrin, who was his "friend" and i had known about her before. yes, they were "seeing each other." not physically yet, though, because apparently she was away on a co-op; they do go to school together. once again i was crushed, la de da... and i totally up and left to drive back home. on my 4 hour drive back home i thought to myself how i could be strong this time and never talk to him again, and i'll rediscover some old passions that i used to have, but forgot. so i get home, first thing i do-call him. we ended up with a decision to take a "break" for the remainder of the school year until he gets home for the summer. it's been going alright so far (as far as i know) but i'm really not happy. i know i need to leave him and move on, and then again i can't. i just can't. i dunno, maybe it's like my heart and my brain are fighting over the decision. i still don't know which way to go, really... and it's been weeks....or a week... i don't remember... it FEELS like it's been weeks. i thought about how i left guys before... but i came up with the fact that i always had my friends there, i just focused on them while i got over the guy. i don't really have my friends anymore. or at least not in the sense that i did before. before i was with them, talked to them everyday... and nobody really had boyfriends (or girlfriends), we were all single. now even if i do get to see them, their guy/girl is there and there is no time for me. :-\ i miss what i had. although there are new boyfriends/girlfriends involved now, i still can't wait until everyone comes home for summer... should be a week or two for everyone. i hope they realize that i do need them.
other than that heavy weight on my shoulders... i've been working all the time-which i hate. i really want a life and working (especially the stupid job that i have) is just not LIVING.
i really hope my luck/life turns around soon. :-\