on dealing with long goodbyes.
ive certainly had a few greatly loved animals pass in my day, but ive never been in this weird limbo zone of knowing theyre going to die soon, but probably not that soon, but then again probably not that far away. this weird sick waiting game of waiting until the cancer becomes too much for him to handle - and trying to make that judgment on the behalf of this unsure little 4-legged creature.
its really weird, and hard to handle at times. harder than youd think, or harder than i expected maybe. i almost started crying while in the petstore today because i was trying to buy tanner more dog food, and i hesitated at buying the size i usually buy, because it usually lasts him ~2+ months. and i dont think he'll be here that much longer. in fact.. not to jinx him or anything, but im pretty sure when his current round of meds runs out (another ~4-5wks i think), i probably wont be refilling them. because his tumor is just getting too big, and i think its going to be causing him too much pain. its growing into his lymph nodes now.
the pain meds right now are doing wonders, but i know the tumor isnt going to just magically stop growing (not when it's been steadily growing the last few months), and.. and i dont know. i can just tell. he's tired a lot, and he lays differently than he used to. he didn't used to do the "superman" lay often before, but now he does it a lot; i think because it's less painful. he looks in my eyes and he softly licks my hand, and he tells me that he's going to be going soon. when they're your animals, i think you just kinda know. with jessie at least, i knew. it was incredibly hard for me when she passed, but at the same time, i remember her doing this same thing. just laying with me, gazing at me and -damn if they arent "just dogs", and i know we shouldnt anthromorphize them but i could swear theyre saying "i love you, and ive had a happy life, and thank you for that." i dont know if its really possible for dogs' eyes to be filled with love the way we say human eyes are... but i swear its true.
anyway, i bought the size i normally buy. with any luck, he'll be here to finish it. if not, some other little doggie will gladly take it, im sure.
its really weird, and hard to handle at times. harder than youd think, or harder than i expected maybe. i almost started crying while in the petstore today because i was trying to buy tanner more dog food, and i hesitated at buying the size i usually buy, because it usually lasts him ~2+ months. and i dont think he'll be here that much longer. in fact.. not to jinx him or anything, but im pretty sure when his current round of meds runs out (another ~4-5wks i think), i probably wont be refilling them. because his tumor is just getting too big, and i think its going to be causing him too much pain. its growing into his lymph nodes now.
the pain meds right now are doing wonders, but i know the tumor isnt going to just magically stop growing (not when it's been steadily growing the last few months), and.. and i dont know. i can just tell. he's tired a lot, and he lays differently than he used to. he didn't used to do the "superman" lay often before, but now he does it a lot; i think because it's less painful. he looks in my eyes and he softly licks my hand, and he tells me that he's going to be going soon. when they're your animals, i think you just kinda know. with jessie at least, i knew. it was incredibly hard for me when she passed, but at the same time, i remember her doing this same thing. just laying with me, gazing at me and -damn if they arent "just dogs", and i know we shouldnt anthromorphize them but i could swear theyre saying "i love you, and ive had a happy life, and thank you for that." i dont know if its really possible for dogs' eyes to be filled with love the way we say human eyes are... but i swear its true.
anyway, i bought the size i normally buy. with any luck, he'll be here to finish it. if not, some other little doggie will gladly take it, im sure.