deathhhh
I stepped in a huge pile of shit. Instead of just making the outside of my food stinky, it's permeating inside. And I have a feeling I will be able to smell it for a really, really, REALLY long time. No amount of scrubbing, soaking, or perfume would ever cover this up. Because this time, instead of just dipping a toe or two in, I've slammed my foot in, heel first--making a huge footstep in it. The shit will never look the same, and my foot will never smell the same.
Metaphorically speaking of course.
I don't know how to go into more detail than that. I feel like the most horrible person in the world, and for once I wish I didn't act on impulse so much. I wish I could hold my tongue sometimes and just sit and be patient. I wish the "what if"s stopped comming into my head, and most importantly I wish I never experimented. Ever. I think I have completely broken someone. And of course, it's not just a random person, but a person I care about and one of the last people I would wish this kind of treatment on. I'd like to blame my subconscious self, but somehow I feel like I must've seen this all comming. Slowly but surely I've put the last nail in the cross (metaphorically, again..), and now that I can step back and look at what I've created, I feel absolutely d-i-s-g-u-s-t-e-d in myself. This has been going on for years, and I knew everything would blow up at some point...but unfortunately it's just as big of a shock now as it would have been had I not even realized what it would eventually come to. Now I'm even more in over my head than I've ever been, and I apparently can't handle it. I don't have the slightest idea what to do. And the worst part is, all of this will end--and soon. It will be an abrupt, tearful, angry ending--with too many words and not enough meaning, and little to no understanding of eachother. A friendship will most likely be terminated, I will lose my best (boy) friend, who I have more in common with than any other boy I've ever met...ever. Is that okay? Of course not. But I guess it has to be, because I did it to myself. I put the last nail in MY cross.
ew I guess one good thing came out of this day? Now atleast I'll have something keeping me awake all night while I do my health case study...instead of chugging energy drinks?
Too bad I don't have one of those guys who sits on your shoulder that you can get advice from. He would be so helpful.
Metaphorically speaking of course.
I don't know how to go into more detail than that. I feel like the most horrible person in the world, and for once I wish I didn't act on impulse so much. I wish I could hold my tongue sometimes and just sit and be patient. I wish the "what if"s stopped comming into my head, and most importantly I wish I never experimented. Ever. I think I have completely broken someone. And of course, it's not just a random person, but a person I care about and one of the last people I would wish this kind of treatment on. I'd like to blame my subconscious self, but somehow I feel like I must've seen this all comming. Slowly but surely I've put the last nail in the cross (metaphorically, again..), and now that I can step back and look at what I've created, I feel absolutely d-i-s-g-u-s-t-e-d in myself. This has been going on for years, and I knew everything would blow up at some point...but unfortunately it's just as big of a shock now as it would have been had I not even realized what it would eventually come to. Now I'm even more in over my head than I've ever been, and I apparently can't handle it. I don't have the slightest idea what to do. And the worst part is, all of this will end--and soon. It will be an abrupt, tearful, angry ending--with too many words and not enough meaning, and little to no understanding of eachother. A friendship will most likely be terminated, I will lose my best (boy) friend, who I have more in common with than any other boy I've ever met...ever. Is that okay? Of course not. But I guess it has to be, because I did it to myself. I put the last nail in MY cross.
ew I guess one good thing came out of this day? Now atleast I'll have something keeping me awake all night while I do my health case study...instead of chugging energy drinks?
Too bad I don't have one of those guys who sits on your shoulder that you can get advice from. He would be so helpful.