ROFL - Penguin Love
I got this from my alumni website... these guys are still funny
"Ok, you know that humans have a hard time with relationships. That's really odd in the animal kingdom; most animals have one partner their whole life, and don't stray. But humans? No, we have divorce, infidelity, abuse, etc. For animals it's easy, though. A penguin can look out at a sea of 8 million identical penguins, raise his flipper, and say, "That's my baby! There she is!"
Just the thought of a penguin raising his flipper and pointing to his significant other is really funny.
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. Dear Wife, You must
realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
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In Texas gas prices are so high now, that many women are beginning to carpool when running over their cheating husbands.
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Terrorist Alert:
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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This is a good one - not too naughty, just a little bit spicy:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in roses stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared challenge the thought.
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"