non-existent

[nico_latte]

when i look at you
i see so much
so much love.
i'm filled with so much joy.
but at the same time
i feel hate,
hate like i've never felt before.
never,
never in my life.
it's never been this way.
never before have i loved so dearly
that when betrayed,
it hurt so bad.
like you tore out my soul
my life
my brain
my heart
shoved pins in them
and gave them the most dreaded
death.
or even worse.
non-existence.
i wish it were so--
non-existent.
i wish i never trusted you.
wish had lied,
instead of telling the truth
the whole time.
not like you believed me.
how do i know?
of everything you said,
what was,
and what ceased to ever be.
did i trust
did i love
for nothing?
and so i remain
soul-less.
and like a barnacle
on a high rock after a rough storm,
ecstatic the storm is over,
knowing another is yet to come.
and questioning
"why?"
why it continues to be.