Things are shaping up to be pretty odd...
Met some amazing people this year. Wonderful girls. Nice guys. A lot of things changed and if you’re lucky enough to know the big change, you know already and I’m okay with that.
Met a boy tho. Really dig him...he gives great hugs… but of course there’s the whole he’s 8-9 hrs and 500 miles away. North Carolina?!? Go figure.
As much as I tried to stay the same I think I’ve just changed more. My resilience has arisen from almost nothing. My determination shines now. I’ve gained so deliberate will and I can stand up for myself. That self efficacy is not malicious in any way. It’s jjust me growing into who I am and being proud senza the arrogance of youthful “I do no wrong” ideas. I think what I wanted to do, what I’ve tried to do most is to become more empathetic. I’m still working on it but I’m getting better.
I’ve changed and I don’t think I could help it if I tried. FOB once said “Seasons change but people don’t”. I used to agree, and in some cases still do, I’m not one of those cases…. I’ve seen people change, I’ve changed but I know that. I wont argue against that. My decisions are mine and fuck you if you don’t want me around because of them, your loss really. That’s me kid. That’s me and I’m not perfect. I don’t make perfect decisions. I’ve made some pretty lousy ones this year. Some have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Some do. Some were small. Some huge. I made mistakes and I regret a few. That’s me kid….that’s me
Two big mistakes this year, both have made me cry and both have inevitably and eventually they have both made me smile. First one I’m still paying for. I have cabin fever because of it. I found out who my real friends were because of it and I became closer to my friends because of it. I regret it so much because I see what it took from me, what it made of me for that time but I cant hate myself permanently for my decision (or lack there of) when see what it’s done for me.
The second mistake was one I kind of knew I was making. I did it anyway. That’s what we do sometimes. I managed to take my heart out of something it should have been the deciding factor in, and I’m trying to get over that. I can, have recently done better than that... I’ve managed to realize that I took my heart out of that decision and that was wrong. I should have followed my heart. It's over though and now I appreciate what people mean when they say don’t rush your life. Too late. But if we're lucky there are always second tries in matters of the heart. And in this case that was the charm. Hit the nail on the head that time and life hasn’t been the same since. One bad decision opened this door to something new.
So maybe I haven't changed completely. Still 89 pounds of awesome. Still music dorky. Still a psych major for the milllionth year. still wishin for THAT guy man. Still wishing I had it figured out. Still the same old me in some respects I guess. But I'm finding that even our old selves can feel like new sometimes.
Things have definitely changed and I see that they had to, I had to, and I don’t see the changes stopping any time soon.
I’m back….
--NiCkYSaL