(no subject)
Have been debating the issues of give and take and selfish/unselfish behaviour in friendships and relationships.
To a degree it is unselfish to spare your friends you grumbles and whines*. However, if you don't tell your friends what you like and dislike, what hurts you, what issues are concerning you just now and stuff like that then you're depriving them of the opportunity to do things to cheer you up, because they've got
a) no idea you're upset
and
b) no idea what sorts of things would cheer you up even if they did notice you were upset.
And since friendship is a two way interaction it's reasonable to assume that your genuine friends would positively like to help you at least on occasion, would enjoy doing stuff that made you smile, and that they might well be pleased at the opportunity to pay back help that you've given them in the past.
Friendship is about sharing aspects of each other's lives. Not all of it and not all the time. But equally, not none of it, and not never.
However, you do need to be wary of those people who try to persuade you confide in them when you have no inclination to, and who get offended if you say you'd prefer not to. Generally, instinct will tell you if a person is asking for your innermost thoughts out of a desire to share/help or out of a desire to have a degree of power over you, or a desire for the status boost of being your 'best friend'...
Remember that you're not obliged to tell anyone anything if you don't feel comfortable about it.
A distinction between real friends and people you hang out with for reasons of convenience and/or overlapping social circles is probably a useful thing too.
Your friends are one thing, and you choose to give them a claim on your time and your energies. Random people you just happen to know don't have that claim solely on the basis that they attend the same parties or have mutual friends.
It's not 'selfish' or 'being a bad friend' not to give the same consideration or attention to an acquaintance than you would to a friend. And if they're complaining about it then you should probably congratulate yourself on having made a good choice in not including them on the list of real friends in the first place...
Oh, and in case anyone hadn't already seen these: Five Geek Social Fallacies has lots of useful stuff on dealing with friendships and social groups.
* LJ friends are a special case because if they're reading your journal they're making a positive choice to seek out your grumbles and whines, so it's their own fault for reading it, really... :-)
To a degree it is unselfish to spare your friends you grumbles and whines*. However, if you don't tell your friends what you like and dislike, what hurts you, what issues are concerning you just now and stuff like that then you're depriving them of the opportunity to do things to cheer you up, because they've got
a) no idea you're upset
and
b) no idea what sorts of things would cheer you up even if they did notice you were upset.
And since friendship is a two way interaction it's reasonable to assume that your genuine friends would positively like to help you at least on occasion, would enjoy doing stuff that made you smile, and that they might well be pleased at the opportunity to pay back help that you've given them in the past.
Friendship is about sharing aspects of each other's lives. Not all of it and not all the time. But equally, not none of it, and not never.
However, you do need to be wary of those people who try to persuade you confide in them when you have no inclination to, and who get offended if you say you'd prefer not to. Generally, instinct will tell you if a person is asking for your innermost thoughts out of a desire to share/help or out of a desire to have a degree of power over you, or a desire for the status boost of being your 'best friend'...
Remember that you're not obliged to tell anyone anything if you don't feel comfortable about it.
A distinction between real friends and people you hang out with for reasons of convenience and/or overlapping social circles is probably a useful thing too.
Your friends are one thing, and you choose to give them a claim on your time and your energies. Random people you just happen to know don't have that claim solely on the basis that they attend the same parties or have mutual friends.
It's not 'selfish' or 'being a bad friend' not to give the same consideration or attention to an acquaintance than you would to a friend. And if they're complaining about it then you should probably congratulate yourself on having made a good choice in not including them on the list of real friends in the first place...
Oh, and in case anyone hadn't already seen these: Five Geek Social Fallacies has lots of useful stuff on dealing with friendships and social groups.
* LJ friends are a special case because if they're reading your journal they're making a positive choice to seek out your grumbles and whines, so it's their own fault for reading it, really... :-)