Change...
Every relationship I long to have, I change myself to get. I better myself in some way ever time. I look inside myself and make myself a better person because I want to be the best person I can possibly be. Every time I change.
The first time it ever happened was in fifth grade. I had a big grade school crush on the popular girl Chelsea Cota. She was never going to be with me because I wasn't "at her level". I was a dork and I certainly wasn't popular enough. So I changed. I left the friends who had stood by my side through thick and thin to hang with the popular crowd. I cut my hair, I wore different clothes, I swore. I did everything that the popular kids did because I thought it would land me the girl. She ended up teasing me to my face and behind my back. The thought I was the biggest loser on the face of the planet and it took me forever to figure that out.
Then there was Katie. I'm not sure what I changed for her, but because of her I began to really look at how I treated people and who I really wanted to be with. I didn't handle things well when we fell apart and I wanted to prove that I could be a great guy. She had been leading me on for a really long time
Then Jacob. I fucking came out for Jacob. I tried to act more mature, I hung with the juniors and seniors, I beat myself up trying so hard to become an amazing singer. Somehow I thought that this would get me noticed. He was the reason I came out to the world and say, "HEY! I'm GAY. FUCK YOU!" and he had no idea that it even happened.
But the person I've changed the most of all for has been Matt. Something clicked inside me when he left and no matter how many times I heard it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help but believe that it was. i couldn't help thinking that there was something inside of me that just wasn't good enough. After I made the biggest mistake of my life, I really looked inside my soul. I really dug down deep to figure out anything about myself. And I stopped crying, and I tried to be a better person. For Matthew I worked on my biggest problem of all. I've begun to try and get over my controlling nature, something I've struggled with my entire life. I decided it needed to change. I even tried changing when we were together. I gave up so much school. I decided NOT to audition for Interlochen because I didn't want to be that far away from him. I gave him my body. And then...
I'd say that we can't change for other people because we only end up getting hurt, but can we really change for ourselves. Can we realize our faults before they hurt someone else or before they keep us from the ones we love. I don't think we can.
I saw the way he looked at Matt tonight. He looked so hurt. Now that I know, I can't help but feel that I'm part of hurting him. I don't particularly care for him that much, but it makes me feel so gross inside to know that I'm part of his hurt. I got home and I took a shower and scrubbed all the filth off my body while trying rationalize.
Today, standing out on the library patio with Hannah, hot chocolate in hand, scarf around my neck, I told her that if things worked out between me and Matt that I would probably go up with him to NAU. I'd rather be happy with him at NAU than sad and alone at OCU or Emerson.
I don't know if my change will ever be enough. I'll just have to spread my arm, jump, and see.
The first time it ever happened was in fifth grade. I had a big grade school crush on the popular girl Chelsea Cota. She was never going to be with me because I wasn't "at her level". I was a dork and I certainly wasn't popular enough. So I changed. I left the friends who had stood by my side through thick and thin to hang with the popular crowd. I cut my hair, I wore different clothes, I swore. I did everything that the popular kids did because I thought it would land me the girl. She ended up teasing me to my face and behind my back. The thought I was the biggest loser on the face of the planet and it took me forever to figure that out.
Then there was Katie. I'm not sure what I changed for her, but because of her I began to really look at how I treated people and who I really wanted to be with. I didn't handle things well when we fell apart and I wanted to prove that I could be a great guy. She had been leading me on for a really long time
Then Jacob. I fucking came out for Jacob. I tried to act more mature, I hung with the juniors and seniors, I beat myself up trying so hard to become an amazing singer. Somehow I thought that this would get me noticed. He was the reason I came out to the world and say, "HEY! I'm GAY. FUCK YOU!" and he had no idea that it even happened.
But the person I've changed the most of all for has been Matt. Something clicked inside me when he left and no matter how many times I heard it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help but believe that it was. i couldn't help thinking that there was something inside of me that just wasn't good enough. After I made the biggest mistake of my life, I really looked inside my soul. I really dug down deep to figure out anything about myself. And I stopped crying, and I tried to be a better person. For Matthew I worked on my biggest problem of all. I've begun to try and get over my controlling nature, something I've struggled with my entire life. I decided it needed to change. I even tried changing when we were together. I gave up so much school. I decided NOT to audition for Interlochen because I didn't want to be that far away from him. I gave him my body. And then...
I'd say that we can't change for other people because we only end up getting hurt, but can we really change for ourselves. Can we realize our faults before they hurt someone else or before they keep us from the ones we love. I don't think we can.
I saw the way he looked at Matt tonight. He looked so hurt. Now that I know, I can't help but feel that I'm part of hurting him. I don't particularly care for him that much, but it makes me feel so gross inside to know that I'm part of his hurt. I got home and I took a shower and scrubbed all the filth off my body while trying rationalize.
Today, standing out on the library patio with Hannah, hot chocolate in hand, scarf around my neck, I told her that if things worked out between me and Matt that I would probably go up with him to NAU. I'd rather be happy with him at NAU than sad and alone at OCU or Emerson.
I don't know if my change will ever be enough. I'll just have to spread my arm, jump, and see.