FAILURE, LIFE IS HELL
ONE MOMENT, LIFE ENDS... IN A SINGLE INSTANT EVERYTHING CHANGES. I'M A FAILURE PLAIN AND SIMPLE.. THERE IS NO MORE DENYING IT... I'M A FAILURE ALL TOGETHER. ITS BEEN ALLL I'VE HEARD FOR 2 DAYS IS MY FAILINGS AND THAT IS WHAT I AM. IT TOOK ME LONG ENOUGHTO REALIZE IT BUT ITS TRUE. I'M A FAILURE AS A FRIEND, A PERSON, A MAN, A CHRISTIAN, A LOVER, JUST A FAILURE. I'VE FAILED IN MY JOBS.. ITS WHY I DON'T HAVE ONE NOW WHY I WILL ONLY BE AT THE BOTTOM FOREVER AT MY AGE UNABLE TO ADVANCE INTO A CAREER. I'VE FAILED IN MY SCHOOLING... ITS WHY I HAVE A 3.0 INSTEAD OF A 4.0. I'VE FAILED AS A PERSON... I HAVE TO MANY FAULTS TO COUNT OR NAME. I'VE FAILED AS A FRIEND... ITS WHY I ALWAYS WITHDRAW... I'VE NEVER KNOWN TRUE FRIENDSHIP I WASN'T ALLOWED TO STAY OUT LATE OR GO ON TRIPS OR DO THINGS ALL THE TIME I HAD TO BE HOME AND BE HOME EARLY... FRIENDSHIP SCARES ME AND WORRIES ME AND MY PARENTS HAVE ONLY APPROVED OF ONE SINGLE FRIEND IN MY LIFE, MATT, AND HE IS MARRIED AND LIVING IN A DIFFERENT STATE. I'M NOT THERE FOR PPL AND I'M TOLD THAT ALL I AM IS SELFISH AND INCOSNIDERATE AND UNCARING AND THE ONLY THING I THINK OF IS MYSELF AND I GUESS THAT IS RIGHT. I'M A FAILURE AS A LOVER... ITS WHY I'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND... I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING APPEALING TO A FEMALE AS A 23 YEAR OLD WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO DO THE MOST COMMON THINGS THAT PPL MY AGE DO... I WASN'T ALLOWED TO STAY OUT LATE ENOUGH OR GO PLACES TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND... AND MY BODY WASN'T BUILT FOR LOVE BUT FOR ABUSEMENT AND PUNISHMENT NOT FOR GOOD LOOKS. I'M A FAILURE IN LIFE IN GENERAL... ITS WHY THINGS KEEP HAPPENING... WHY ITS ONE CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER ON A 3-MONTH BASIS.. I ACTUALLY HAVE A SHEET WITH THE LIST OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN MY LIFE TO CAUSE A CRISIS ON A 3 MONTH SCALE...... I'M A FAILURE AS A CHRISTIAN.. .THAT IS WHY I AM PUNISHED... I AM A FAILURE IN THAT I WAS ONCE A LEADER.. A TEACHER.. I COULD TEACH THE BIBLE AND LEAD AND SET AN EXAMPLE.. AND I FAILED... I FAILED AND LOST IT AND I'M GONNA BE PUNISHED. ITS WHY I WAS CREATED... FOR PUNISHMENT... I WASN'T DESIGNED FOR HAPPINESS... ITS WHY MY HEALTH HAS BEEN AS BAD AS IT IS AND I WAS BORN THE WAY I WAS TO THE PARENTS I WAS... CAUSE I WAS DESIGNED FOR PUNISHMENT... TO RECEIVE MORE AND MORE PUNISHMENT TILL I BREAK. IN THE PAST 3 DAYS ALONE I HAVE WALKED DOWN HIXSON PIKE AT MIDNIGHT AND 3 IN THE AFTERNOON BAREFOOT WITH ONLY A T-SHIRT AND BOXERS AND SWEAT PANTS ON WITH MY THUMB OUT HOPING FOR SOMEONE TO END IT FOR ME. I GUESS ITS WHY I DECIDED FOR THE PAST 3 DAYS NOT TO TAKE THE BLOOD THINNER AND REFLUX MEDICINE THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE EVERY SINGLE DAY... CAUSE I AM A FAILURE AT KILLING MYSELF... I'VE WANTED TO DIE SINCE I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND I'M A FAILURE AT THAT... SO I'LL JUST LEAVE IT TO FATE TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BUY ANYTHING FOR MYSELF ANYMORE... I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK/SCHOOL AND COME HOME. MY PARENTS CHECK MY PHONE BILL TO SEE WHO I TALK TO AND FOR HOW LONG... HAVE BEEN SINCE I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE AND SAY I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON IT... AND THE PPL I TALK TO THEY DON'T WANT ME TALKING TO CAUSE THEY TALK BAD ABOUT THEM ALL... THEY ARE GOING TO EITHER TAKE THE PHONE TOTALLY OR CUT IT TO LESS THEN 200 MINUTES TOTAL IN A MONTH... I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AROUND THE PPL I HAVE LIVED WITH FOR 8 MONTHS OR EVEN GO BACK OVER THERE... ITS BAD PPL AND THINGS GO ON THAT SHOULDN'T THEY SAY... SOMEONE RUNS THEIR MOUTH CAUSE THEY KNOW WAY TO MUCH ABOUT ACTIVITIES THAT WENT ON AT THE HOUSE.. THEY ASSUME I WAS ALWAYS INVOLVED WHEN I HARDLY EVER NEVER DID THE THINGS THAT WENT ON BUT STAYED OFF TO THE SIDE QUIET OR STAYED IN THE ROOM ONE.. I RUN THE ROADS TO MUCH AND I GO OUT TO MUCH.. ITS WHAT I'M TOLD.. AND I STAY AT HOME TO MUCH AND I SHOULD GO OUT MORE IS ALSO WHAT I'M TOLD......... I'M A FAILURE... ITS WHY THINGS KEEP HAPPENING LIKE THIS. I CAN'T EVEN POST TO HERE ANYMORE UNLESS I'M AT SCHOOL CAUSE THE INTERNET CONNECTION AT THE HOUSE HAS NO ACCESIBILITY TO A LOT OF SECURE SIGHTS LIKE ALL MY E-MAILS ACCOUNTS EXCEPT FOR UTC'S AND I CAN'T UPDATE HERE SO I CAN ONLY DO IT HERE AT COLLEGE... ITS SO WEIRD CAUSE I CAN DO EVERYTHING ON HERE EXCEPT FOR UPDATE MY JOURNAL... I'M JUST A FAILURE AT LIFE. I HONESTLY SHOULDN'T GO AROUND AND BE AROUND PPL ANYMORE I'M ONLY UNCARING AND SELFISH AND INSENSEITIVE IS WHAT I'M TOLD AND I GUESS THAT'S TRUE... I'LL BE GRADUATED IN 7 MONTHS IF I CAN PASS... BUT I KNOW I FAILED THE TEST TUESDAY NIGHT CAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED AND I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE SO I KNOW NOW I WON'T EVEN BE GRADUATED... I'LL BE 24 YEARS OLD IN JANUARY AND I'VE DID THINGS EQUIVALENT TO EXPERIENCES OF MOST 11-13 YEAR OLDS... I'M A FAILURE AND I'M TO IMMATURE TO BE ON MY OWN AND UNPREPARED FOR LIFE ON MY OWN IS WHAT I'M TOLD AND I GUESS THAT IS TRUE... I'M A FAILURE. AND I JUST WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO DO MORE THEN JUST QUIT TAKING MY MEDICINE SO THAT I'M NOT A FAILURE IN LIFE ALL TOGETHER. WES... KIM... I KNOW U TWO ARE THE ONLY 2 THAT READ THIS I DIDN'T WRITE THIS TO WORRY EITHER OF U.. WES YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED TO HAVE AND THE BEST ROOMMATE AND MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON GUY I'VE KNOWN IN MY LIFE... KIM YOU ARE THE SWEETEST AND MOST CARING PERSON I HAVE EVER MET AND I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR U AND YOUR THE MOST INFLUENTIAL GIRL I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE... THOUGH I KNOW I'M SELFISH AND UNCARING AS A PERSON AND THAT IS ALL THAT I AM...YOU TWO AND YOU ARE TWO OF, IF NOT THE, CLOSEST PPL IN MY LIFE AND I LOVE U BOTH... IDK IF I'LL BE ABLE TO TALK TO EITHER OF YOU AGAIN WITHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE CAUSE I SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON MY CELL PHONE AND MY PARENTS ARE CHECKING WHO I CALL AND FOR HOW LONG...... BUT I'LL UPDATE HERE AND STAY IN TOUCH AS BEST I CAN... AND ANY QUESTIONS OR ARGUMENTS ON MY BEHALF BY EITHER OF YOU TWO OR ANYONE ELSE AT ALL TO MY PARENTS WILL ONLY RESULT IN THEIR DENIALS AND MY LIFE GETTING EVEN HARDER... AND IF ONE OF YOU COULD LET PEACHES KNOW TO HOLD HER TOUNGE... MY PARENTS SAY I'M WEIRD AND I HONESTLY BELIEVE THEY THINK WE ARE HAVING SOMETHING MORE GOING ON THEN JUST TALKING ON THE PHONE ON OCCASION CAUSE THEY SEE THAT I TRY TO CALL HER A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK WHEN THEY CHECK THE PHONE BILL... PEACHES IS LIKE THE MOTHER I WISH I HAD AND I KNOW SHE WANTS TO LAY IT ON MY PARENTS FOR EVEN THINKING WHAT THEY DO CAUSE I CALL AND TALK TO HER... SO TELL HER TO HOLD HER TOUNGE PLZ... BUT I KNOW YOU BOTH ARE WORRIED ABOUT ME AND FOR NOW I'M ALIVE.. IDK FOR HOW LONG CAUSE HONESTLY I SEE NO POINT TO TAKE MY MEDS AGAIN AND DON'T PLAN TO DO SO ANY DAY IN THE FUTURE... THE PPL I HIT THE LADY IS COMPLAINING SHE MAY NEED THERAPY CAUSE SHE CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT SO THAT MEANS I'LL GET SUED.. AND I HAVE HOSPITAL BILLS TO PAY FOR FROM A COUPLE MONTHS AGO THAT I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR NOW... SO HONESTLY THERE ISN'T ANYTHING.. FOR THE PAST 3 DAYS I'VE SAT IN MY ROOM ALONE AS MUCH AS I COULD EXCEPT WHEN THEY WANTED TO YELL AT ME ABOUT SOMETHING... JUST TELL PPL THAT KNOW AND ARE WORRIED U KNOW THAT I MISS THEM AND I HOPE ONE DAY THINGS WILL RETURN TO A LEVEL OR NORMALLACY SOMEWHAT IF I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO DIE BEFORE THEN... AND HOPEFULLY ONE DAY I'LL BE MATURE ENOUGH TO BE OUT OF MY HOUSE AND THE CRISIS THAT TAKE PLACE DUE TO MY IRRESPONISBILITY AND IMMATURITY.. FROM THE LOSING OF JOBS TO THE HOSPITAL STAYS TO THE TICKETS TO THE WRECK TO ALL THE OTHER THINGS... WILL FINALLY WORK OUT AND I CAN GET OUT AND BE SOMEWHAT HAPPY AGAIN... I REALLY WISH I HAD SPENT MORE TIME AROUND THE PPL I WAS CLOSE TO AND LIVED WITH WHEN I WAS LIVING AT WES'... BUT I GUESS I FAILED AT THAT TO.