(no subject)
I've been sitting here playing NES games for the past few hours, I got this kickass Xbox with emulators and like every NES, SNES and Genesis game ever on it. So naturally I'm playing all the games I used to have when I was little, I remember a time when I didnt go to school, and just got to pay video games all day. That was the life, then I had to start going to school, that was age 3, kinda nuts how far back I can remember when I think hard enough.
One thing that comes with the nostalgia of playing old games is remembers other things I've associated with those games, my old living room in my house in Lansing, my puppy, friends that used to play video games with me, but most importantly how I felt back then. Depressed.
Kinda weird to realize just how depressed I was back then, and how I really didn't understand that's what it was. It makes sense though little kids need attention, I got it from my mom when she was able, but she wasn't always around, and that made me sad. I was a sad little kid, but I had the NES to keep my mind occupied. I was always sad, I remember trying to express this to people, but I don't think I quite knew how. My mom would always tell me things like "You have all these toys and bikes and video games, and some kids in the world don't have anything" she figured something like that would cheer me up, all it really did was make me more depressed. I was a compassionate little guy. I still am, and fuck you.
Alone. That's how I felt as a kid, nothings changed, I always feel alone. I always feel sad. Sad is like my default emotion. I wonder if its because of how I was raised, moving around a lot, sometimes I was with my grandparents, sometimes my dad, sometimes my aunt and uncle, until I was old enough (like 12/13) to be on my own. I've always spend most of my time alone. I don't like being alone, but I do. I guess I'm conflicted on that one. Anyways...
These days they say I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be depressed. The remedy, pills that "fix" the imbalance. I've always thought this was bullshit, but never knew why. The pills don't make me happy, and they sure as shit don't make me not depressed, which is why I stopped taking them. I haven't gone down the pills road in like 5 years, its a good thing. Now I think I do understand it all. There is no imbalance, my brain is just fine, depression comes from a lifetime of loneliness. It started when I was too young to even understand these things.
My developing mind felt alone, and that's just how it works, in my earliest years my default was set. I could blame those who raised me. I could blame my biological father for leaving, or my mother for being so busy, but theirs no point. My mother did what she thought was best for me, I know that to be true, she always did, she had no way of knowing this, hell it took me 23 nearly 24 years to figure it out for myself.
Knowing this, I don't think I'll ever really be able to overcome the feeling of sadness I have in my everyday life, nor the feeling that I'm always alone, even when I'm surrounded by people.
The ability to learn is a very interesting characteristic among our people. I try and remember my golden years of learning, just thinking about it blows my mind. I wonder, will I ever be fit to teach a growing mind? I've influenced my young brother, that's a given. I wonder how? I wonder what he will remember about me when he was 2? 3? 4?
If you see me, smile, I'll try and return the favor.
One thing that comes with the nostalgia of playing old games is remembers other things I've associated with those games, my old living room in my house in Lansing, my puppy, friends that used to play video games with me, but most importantly how I felt back then. Depressed.
Kinda weird to realize just how depressed I was back then, and how I really didn't understand that's what it was. It makes sense though little kids need attention, I got it from my mom when she was able, but she wasn't always around, and that made me sad. I was a sad little kid, but I had the NES to keep my mind occupied. I was always sad, I remember trying to express this to people, but I don't think I quite knew how. My mom would always tell me things like "You have all these toys and bikes and video games, and some kids in the world don't have anything" she figured something like that would cheer me up, all it really did was make me more depressed. I was a compassionate little guy. I still am, and fuck you.
Alone. That's how I felt as a kid, nothings changed, I always feel alone. I always feel sad. Sad is like my default emotion. I wonder if its because of how I was raised, moving around a lot, sometimes I was with my grandparents, sometimes my dad, sometimes my aunt and uncle, until I was old enough (like 12/13) to be on my own. I've always spend most of my time alone. I don't like being alone, but I do. I guess I'm conflicted on that one. Anyways...
These days they say I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be depressed. The remedy, pills that "fix" the imbalance. I've always thought this was bullshit, but never knew why. The pills don't make me happy, and they sure as shit don't make me not depressed, which is why I stopped taking them. I haven't gone down the pills road in like 5 years, its a good thing. Now I think I do understand it all. There is no imbalance, my brain is just fine, depression comes from a lifetime of loneliness. It started when I was too young to even understand these things.
My developing mind felt alone, and that's just how it works, in my earliest years my default was set. I could blame those who raised me. I could blame my biological father for leaving, or my mother for being so busy, but theirs no point. My mother did what she thought was best for me, I know that to be true, she always did, she had no way of knowing this, hell it took me 23 nearly 24 years to figure it out for myself.
Knowing this, I don't think I'll ever really be able to overcome the feeling of sadness I have in my everyday life, nor the feeling that I'm always alone, even when I'm surrounded by people.
The ability to learn is a very interesting characteristic among our people. I try and remember my golden years of learning, just thinking about it blows my mind. I wonder, will I ever be fit to teach a growing mind? I've influenced my young brother, that's a given. I wonder how? I wonder what he will remember about me when he was 2? 3? 4?
If you see me, smile, I'll try and return the favor.