Nobody Knows It But Me
Nick/Greg
Angst
Song fic [my first] I hope you like it. Please review.
Not mine, but if you choose to sue me anyway, just know that all I have is four kids, all who will need braces…
Greg pov:
Greg’s iPod was set to repeat the song over and over. He wished it didn’t fit his life right now. He sighed. It fit all too well.
Hodges surprised him by saying, “Something wrong, Greg?”
“Huh?” He removed a earpiece. “Oh, no. Everything… everything is fine.”
Hodges looked puzzled, but said “OK. Nick said to give you this. I am not your secretary, but Nick asked, so… here.”
Greg’s stomach clenched. Sure, you’d do anything for Nick, wouldn’t you? Greg just plastered on a fake smile. “What ever gets it done,” he said looking back into the scope. He waved for Hodges to put it in the “In” pile.
Hodges looked puzzled at Greg again but shrugged and left.
Finally. Shift was over. Greg slipped out quickly and quietly. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Least of all Nick.
He drove home. To his place. Alone. He walked inside and sat down on the floor beside the door. He couldn’t even make it to the couch. He hurt so bad.
Oh god. Would it ever stop hurting this bad?
“I love you Nicky,” he said to empty room. He laid down and cried.
Hours later he drug himself up, went to the bathroom and got ready for bed. He hoped he could sleep, but he knew he wouldn‘t. He cried some more. He went to lay on the couch. He barely moved that day. Just laid there in pain. Faltering between crying and hurting too much to cry. Maybe he dozed.
Time to get ready for work. He moved like a zombie. He couldn’t eat. He barely forced himself to dress and go in. It took all he had, but he smiled thru the beginning of the shift meeting and followed Sara out the door to their case.
“You okay, Greg?” she asked.
Greg just looked over at her puzzled.
“You look… okay. You are smiling… but… you seem quite.”
“I’m fine,” he lied and looked out the window.
Sara let it drop.
Tonight it would just be the same. Same as the last 2 nights. Smile when they are looking, be sick when they aren’t. No matter how much pain rolls over you like an ocean wave, just smile.
Just joke. *He remembered how Nick laughed and joked with Warrick the night after.*
Just flirt. *The next night he had heard him flirt with the girl in records and went straight to the bathroom to throw up.*
No one can know his pain. Nick is sure okay. Hide the pain. That’s the plan. Work like a dog and smile.
Two weeks later and he still hurt so bad, so deep, he wasn’t sure if he would ever be real again. So much of his heart, his life, his soul was gone. Gone.
He could go out to a club, but that thought just made him tired. He couldn’t even visit his best friend. He remembered before when he and Nick would hang out and play video games. Those days are over too. One night, and everything changed. One night that couldn’t be taken back. Couldn’t be forgotten, and he loved the memories of that one night. He laid in bed and jerked off to the memories. But then he was still alone. He rolled over and cried.
How many times had he come up with some wild, crazy, impossible scheme to get Nick to fall in love with him? But Nick, he was happy straight. Happy pretending that one night didn’t happen.
At work, Greg tried to laughed too, but wondered if everyone could hear how hollow it was. He tried flirting with everyone, but it was such a sad attempt few bothered to even answer his remarks. Finally he retreated into his work and his iPod.
There had been times at work when they had been forced to speak. About work. Only. DNA. Fibers. Clues. Polite. Always polite. Never looking each other quite eye to eye. It was so surreal. Afterwards he would go throw up what little he had eaten.
No one asked him if he was okay anymore. Either they bought the lie, or knew it was all they were getting.
Three months later he still hurt. It was never gonna end. Might as well have the headstone engravers start the lettering already. “Died missing Nick.”
The team noticed how quite he was, but chalked it up to him growing up and being serious about being a CSI. No one even noticed that if he was in the lab he never went to lunch anymore. In the field he ate when they did, but promptly lost it. He was too full of pain for the food to fit in. But no one noticed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nobody Knows It But Me
talking...
Wish I told her how I feel,
Maybe she'd be here right now
but instead...
singing...
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)
Lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)
How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
oooo oohhhhh yeah
Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me
(Say whent the nights are lonely)
(3x with adlib until fade)
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
~*~*~*~*~*~
Nick’s pov:
Nick swallowed the last of his third beer. He had to work tonight so that was his limit. He wished he had a whole friggin truck of beer. Anything to ease this pain. He thought of going to the gym to punch the bag, but he didn’t have the energy to get up. The TV was on a decorating show for god’s sake and he couldn’t muster the energy to turn it. The sound was off. The stereo was on. Playing that song from the CD he loaded earlier. It fit. He wished it didn’t fit. No more beer. No more, anything but the pain. Nick slumped over and cried.
At work he sat on the break room couch with Warrick and did his best to smile and nod at whatever Warrick said. He pretended he didn’t see Greg walk by. He laughed when Warrick laughed. He acted like he cared. But he didn’t care.
Last night he had felt lucky when he had seen Hodges as he walked in. He had talked Hodges into taking the bags to Greg on the excuse he had to find Catherine. He couldn’t have faced Greg. Not so soon… not without crying and begging. Begging for Greg.
Tonight he had seen Greg walking his way, head bent, reading a folder. Nick stopped the first woman he saw and flirted with her. He didn’t remember what he said, or even her name. She gave him her number but he tossed it as soon as he could get away. Greg had just walked by and kept walking. Never looked.
No way would Greg be jealous of him. That would mean their one night meant something. And it didn’t. Nothing except one night. One night that was over. One night. One friggin night and *he* couldn’t get over it. How pathetic was that? He really had to make himself accept the death, the awful, mangled death of their friendship because he could never go back to being that close to Greg and just being friends.
Two weeks later it was Nick’s night off and he was drunk. Not drunk enough. He couldn’t get drunk enough. It still hurt. Just as bad as day one. He was gonna drown in pain. Pain and beer. Too much pain. Not enough beer. Nick hurt all over. He cried and choked on the raw pain.
He thought about going to the clubs and finding Greg. He would… what? Cajole, beg, kidnap.. Anything to get Greg back. To make that one night last forever. But how could he find Greg in the hundreds of clubs here in Vegas when he couldn’t even find his keys? Nick drank some more, fell over on the floor and whispered “Greg, oh Baby. I miss you so!” He cried more.
Three months later and he was still drowning in pain. Every breath he took just dragged in more pain. He told himself he accepted that he would always hurt this bad. Dreams haunted him when he could sleep. His senses tortured him when he couldn’t. Everything reminded him of Greg. At work, even when he wasn’t near Greg, he could feel the empty space where would had been if things were really okay with them.
And pain, gut wrenching pain, in his apartment where he and Greg had once made love. He had already sold his bed and couch. He was sleeping in the guest room when he wasn’t passed out on the new couch. Yep, gonna hurt forever.
+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#
(Joesph Richards/Don DuBose)
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
But these four walls close in more every day
And I'm dying inside and nobody knows it
But me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it
But me
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly but you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
Just like a jugsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now, you know, I'll be loving you still
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
Nobody knows it but me
Angst
Song fic [my first] I hope you like it. Please review.
Not mine, but if you choose to sue me anyway, just know that all I have is four kids, all who will need braces…
Greg pov:
Greg’s iPod was set to repeat the song over and over. He wished it didn’t fit his life right now. He sighed. It fit all too well.
Hodges surprised him by saying, “Something wrong, Greg?”
“Huh?” He removed a earpiece. “Oh, no. Everything… everything is fine.”
Hodges looked puzzled, but said “OK. Nick said to give you this. I am not your secretary, but Nick asked, so… here.”
Greg’s stomach clenched. Sure, you’d do anything for Nick, wouldn’t you? Greg just plastered on a fake smile. “What ever gets it done,” he said looking back into the scope. He waved for Hodges to put it in the “In” pile.
Hodges looked puzzled at Greg again but shrugged and left.
Finally. Shift was over. Greg slipped out quickly and quietly. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Least of all Nick.
He drove home. To his place. Alone. He walked inside and sat down on the floor beside the door. He couldn’t even make it to the couch. He hurt so bad.
Oh god. Would it ever stop hurting this bad?
“I love you Nicky,” he said to empty room. He laid down and cried.
Hours later he drug himself up, went to the bathroom and got ready for bed. He hoped he could sleep, but he knew he wouldn‘t. He cried some more. He went to lay on the couch. He barely moved that day. Just laid there in pain. Faltering between crying and hurting too much to cry. Maybe he dozed.
Time to get ready for work. He moved like a zombie. He couldn’t eat. He barely forced himself to dress and go in. It took all he had, but he smiled thru the beginning of the shift meeting and followed Sara out the door to their case.
“You okay, Greg?” she asked.
Greg just looked over at her puzzled.
“You look… okay. You are smiling… but… you seem quite.”
“I’m fine,” he lied and looked out the window.
Sara let it drop.
Tonight it would just be the same. Same as the last 2 nights. Smile when they are looking, be sick when they aren’t. No matter how much pain rolls over you like an ocean wave, just smile.
Just joke. *He remembered how Nick laughed and joked with Warrick the night after.*
Just flirt. *The next night he had heard him flirt with the girl in records and went straight to the bathroom to throw up.*
No one can know his pain. Nick is sure okay. Hide the pain. That’s the plan. Work like a dog and smile.
Two weeks later and he still hurt so bad, so deep, he wasn’t sure if he would ever be real again. So much of his heart, his life, his soul was gone. Gone.
He could go out to a club, but that thought just made him tired. He couldn’t even visit his best friend. He remembered before when he and Nick would hang out and play video games. Those days are over too. One night, and everything changed. One night that couldn’t be taken back. Couldn’t be forgotten, and he loved the memories of that one night. He laid in bed and jerked off to the memories. But then he was still alone. He rolled over and cried.
How many times had he come up with some wild, crazy, impossible scheme to get Nick to fall in love with him? But Nick, he was happy straight. Happy pretending that one night didn’t happen.
At work, Greg tried to laughed too, but wondered if everyone could hear how hollow it was. He tried flirting with everyone, but it was such a sad attempt few bothered to even answer his remarks. Finally he retreated into his work and his iPod.
There had been times at work when they had been forced to speak. About work. Only. DNA. Fibers. Clues. Polite. Always polite. Never looking each other quite eye to eye. It was so surreal. Afterwards he would go throw up what little he had eaten.
No one asked him if he was okay anymore. Either they bought the lie, or knew it was all they were getting.
Three months later he still hurt. It was never gonna end. Might as well have the headstone engravers start the lettering already. “Died missing Nick.”
The team noticed how quite he was, but chalked it up to him growing up and being serious about being a CSI. No one even noticed that if he was in the lab he never went to lunch anymore. In the field he ate when they did, but promptly lost it. He was too full of pain for the food to fit in. But no one noticed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nobody Knows It But Me
talking...
Wish I told her how I feel,
Maybe she'd be here right now
but instead...
singing...
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)
Lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)
How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
oooo oohhhhh yeah
Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me
(Say whent the nights are lonely)
(3x with adlib until fade)
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
~*~*~*~*~*~
Nick’s pov:
Nick swallowed the last of his third beer. He had to work tonight so that was his limit. He wished he had a whole friggin truck of beer. Anything to ease this pain. He thought of going to the gym to punch the bag, but he didn’t have the energy to get up. The TV was on a decorating show for god’s sake and he couldn’t muster the energy to turn it. The sound was off. The stereo was on. Playing that song from the CD he loaded earlier. It fit. He wished it didn’t fit. No more beer. No more, anything but the pain. Nick slumped over and cried.
At work he sat on the break room couch with Warrick and did his best to smile and nod at whatever Warrick said. He pretended he didn’t see Greg walk by. He laughed when Warrick laughed. He acted like he cared. But he didn’t care.
Last night he had felt lucky when he had seen Hodges as he walked in. He had talked Hodges into taking the bags to Greg on the excuse he had to find Catherine. He couldn’t have faced Greg. Not so soon… not without crying and begging. Begging for Greg.
Tonight he had seen Greg walking his way, head bent, reading a folder. Nick stopped the first woman he saw and flirted with her. He didn’t remember what he said, or even her name. She gave him her number but he tossed it as soon as he could get away. Greg had just walked by and kept walking. Never looked.
No way would Greg be jealous of him. That would mean their one night meant something. And it didn’t. Nothing except one night. One night that was over. One night. One friggin night and *he* couldn’t get over it. How pathetic was that? He really had to make himself accept the death, the awful, mangled death of their friendship because he could never go back to being that close to Greg and just being friends.
Two weeks later it was Nick’s night off and he was drunk. Not drunk enough. He couldn’t get drunk enough. It still hurt. Just as bad as day one. He was gonna drown in pain. Pain and beer. Too much pain. Not enough beer. Nick hurt all over. He cried and choked on the raw pain.
He thought about going to the clubs and finding Greg. He would… what? Cajole, beg, kidnap.. Anything to get Greg back. To make that one night last forever. But how could he find Greg in the hundreds of clubs here in Vegas when he couldn’t even find his keys? Nick drank some more, fell over on the floor and whispered “Greg, oh Baby. I miss you so!” He cried more.
Three months later and he was still drowning in pain. Every breath he took just dragged in more pain. He told himself he accepted that he would always hurt this bad. Dreams haunted him when he could sleep. His senses tortured him when he couldn’t. Everything reminded him of Greg. At work, even when he wasn’t near Greg, he could feel the empty space where would had been if things were really okay with them.
And pain, gut wrenching pain, in his apartment where he and Greg had once made love. He had already sold his bed and couch. He was sleeping in the guest room when he wasn’t passed out on the new couch. Yep, gonna hurt forever.
+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#+#
(Joesph Richards/Don DuBose)
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
But these four walls close in more every day
And I'm dying inside and nobody knows it
But me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside and nobody knows it
But me
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly but you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
Just like a jugsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now, you know, I'll be loving you still
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
Nobody knows it but me