When I Moved In You -- Fanfiction!
Title: When I Moved In You
Summary: "Did she break you, Greg?" "No. Sex broke me. A long time ago." "Me too." --Greg tells Nick how he wants it to be, and Nick shows him.
Rating: R
Warning: nondescript sex and Greg used the f-word like, once.
Spoilers: Uhh... Overload only, I think. Oh, and also A Kiss Before Frying.
x-----x-----x-----x
Remember when I moved in you,
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah.
x-----x-----x-----x
“Come on, man,” Nick said, walking into the cool, crisp air of the hotel room. He turned around to face Greg, who had walked in after him. Greg’s lips were pursed thinly, and his shoulders were set. “You totally shoulda taken that chick to dinner.”
Greg sighed, controlling his anger in a way that had always simultaneously managed to amaze and annoy Nick. “I came to this conference to learn something, not to hook up with someone I met only an hour ago.”
Greg lay down on the far side of the queen bed on his back. He crossed one foot over the other and held his feet just off the bed so his shoes didn’t touch the sheets.
Nick shot Greg a questioning look, one that the younger man didn’t catch since he had his face hidden in the crook of his arm. Sure, the younger man had grown quieter with age, but he wasn’t usually so moody. Trying to shake off both his worry and his irritation, Nick merely shrugged and replied good-naturedly. “Who says you can’t do both?”
Greg’s jaw tightened. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to?” he muttered. “Plus, I don’t bring condoms with me to conferences,” he glared at Nick sideways, but a moment later, his gaze flickered away.
Nick, however, didn’t miss the accusation in his voice. He sat on the edge of the bed and untied his shoelaces, using the time to try and wash the anger out of his system with deep, measured breaths. He clenched his jaw and forced out a rough laugh. With his back to Greg, he said defensively. “Look, man, before you start making assumptions, neither do I. And, hey, who said anything about sex anyway!” he forced a lighter tone of voice, not wanting to start a fight, “Just take her out to dinner. Have a good time.”
Greg didn’t reply, staring stonily at the ceiling. Nick rolled his eyes. Greg and his goddamn passive aggression. “Greg, I don’t understand why you’re being such a-a dick about this.” Inwardly, he winced at his own choice of words, and after a moment of awkward silence, felt the familiar, hot tendrils of remorse. He turned to Greg, and was shocked by the dull tiredness he saw in Greg’s unguarded eyes. The younger man’s gaze flickered downwards, hidden by his eyelashes. “G, it just seemed to me you were interested in her. I didn’t mean anything by it, honest.”
“Sorry,” Greg sighed into the word. “I’m just… I’m not looking for a one time thing, okay?” He glanced at Nick briefly, then looked away.
“It doesn’t have to be a one time thing,” Nick said softly. He sat cross-legged on the bed, and reached a hand out towards Greg, before changing his mind and letting it rest on the bed between them. “Emily lives in Vegas too. Give her a call when we’re back home. Take her out; get to know her.
Greg was silent once more. Nick leant back against the headrest and stared at the opposite wall. Losing hope of ever getting to the bottom of Greg’s sour mood, he dropped the issue to put his friend at ease. “How come we’ve never met her before, if she’s a CSI in Vegas? I know most of the dayshift CSIs, too.”
Greg stretched. “She only moved to Vegas a couple of months ago. Plus, she’s a Detective, not a CSI, so she probably spends most of her time at the station.” He shrugged, seemingly at ease again, though there was still an edge to his voice, which Nick was not accustomed to.
Nick hummed in agreement. “What’s she doing at a forensics conference, then?”
Greg shrugged. “She works with CSIs all the time. I guess it’s just natural curiosity. It’s… nice,” he finished quietly.
There was a faraway wonder in Greg’s eyes, which made Nick smile. Without thinking, he said, “You can’t expect me to believe you’re not interested in her, if you already know that much about her.”
There was no obvious change in Greg’s facial or bodily expression, but having known Greg for so long, Nick could sense that Greg’s guard was up again. When Greg spoke, his voice was small and loud at the same time. “Look, man, if we meet for coffee back in Vegas or something, that’s fine. But I generally like to think of people as potential friends, rather than conquests. Why can’t we just be friends, without the ulterior motive of trying to get into each other’s pants?”
Though his tone of voice held an air of finality, Nick didn’t have the sense to drop it. He snorted. “You didn’t seem to be too worried about being ‘just friends’ with your stripper girlfriend.”
Greg’s head whipped around to face Nick, for a moment shocked rather than angry. The rage built slowly in his eyes, but there was timidity in his gaze, as though he was aware of the futility of his anger. Nick was shocked to see that rather than angry, Greg seemed ashamed.
The very thought both confused Nick, and made things clear to him. It did hint at why Greg wasn’t open to the idea of dating Emily, but Nick couldn’t help but wonder… why was Greg ashamed of being in love?
Before Nick could voice his thoughts, before he could even apologize, Greg stood abruptly. He pulled his jacket off stiff shoulders, and loosened his tie. “Whatever,” he muttered, toeing off his shoes and grabbing a pair of sleeping shorts from his suitcase. “I’m taking a shower.”
Nick didn’t comment on the fact that Greg had only just taken a shower that morning. The younger man closed the bathroom door and the sound of the lock turning echoed ominously between them.
x-----x-----x-----x
When Greg came out of the bathroom, skin pale, hair flattened and dark against his forehead, his anger seemed to have dissolved. His face was carefully void of emotion, which was enough for Nick to know how upset he really was.
Greg crawled into bed next to Nick, and closed his eyes. His lip curled slightly, and Nick’s chest tightened unexpectedly. What he had said shouldn’t have been enough to darken Greg’s mood like this. The worry that engulfed Nick was coupled with guilt.
But, rather than apologizing, he stared at the younger man quietly. Greg worried Nick more than he let on. He was too quiet, even more so than Nick; too masculine. Sometimes he wished Greg would just let go: let go of the tension in his body, let go of his words, his feelings, let them come out. Let go of the tears. Cry.
Greg never talked about how much he had changed since he had been a lab tech. Nick wondered if he missed the way he used to be, the lightness in him. Nick missed it, too, sometimes… Then he thought about this man, this Greg, and the way that Nick felt so at ease with him, like if he pressed in close enough, he could slip right into him.
Greg had lost all of his naivety, his helplessness. He had gained a new sense of confidence that showed in the sudden quietness of his body. The stillness. Lab rat Greg was rarely quiet, never still.
But there was a weight pressing on Greg that Nick wanted to lift. He wanted to save the quiet, young man inside of Greg, and the very idea shocked him. When he had first met Greg, he would never have dreamed of saving him, or ever feeling the need to.
He wanted to lift the weight, and here he was making it worse. He didn’t want to sleep, could tell from the tightness of Greg’s features that he couldn’t sleep. The night was young. They could have dinner, or skip it, whatever. They could go to a club. They could go to the park.
They could lie in the grass late at night, and they could be friends. Real friends.
So he let his hand rest on the heat of Greg’s bare shoulder and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
The bony shoulder in his hand. Greg had lost weight, though Nick couldn’t recall when. But Nick could see it in his face, in the skin pulled taut across his cheekbones, skin over bone and nothing else. Like skin was about to tear, bones snap.
And then Greg was talking, his eyes still closed, and his voice low and struggling to achieve the words he needed. “Ellen… she made me believe that she was the perfect woman. Not, you know, the perfect woman, but my perfect woman. I don’t know how she knew exactly what I wanted. When I finally found out the truth, she-I felt like an idiot. An absolute idiot, and…”
“And what?”
“I had sex with her, Nicky,” Greg looked straight into Nick’s eyes, and the blunt, emotionless statement caused dread to build inside of Nick stomach. “And when it was all over, I hated her for falsifying that act for me, for stripping it of all meaning…but mostly, I was just angry at myself for believing there was any meaning in the first place.”
Nick’s hand trailed up to Greg’s jaw, and he let it rest there. He let his silence speak.
When he did respond, his words had an awful rawness in them. “Did she break you, Greg? Did she dirty you?”
The strangeness of the question made Greg shiver. “No. Sex broke me. A long time ago.”
“Me too,” Nick said, his voice a broken whisper. His eyes darkened with bad memories. Greg looked at him in that tired, expectant way of his, and maybe it was because it was nighttime, and they were lying in the same bed in a quiet room, but the secrets slipped out. “I was nine. She was seventeen, and I didn’t ask for it.”
Nick looked up from where he was staring at the bed sheets, and he feared he would see pity in Greg’s eyes, but the younger man’s eyes were closed, his whole face contorted. Nick heard him murmur, “No,” under his breath, as though he couldn’t, or refused to, believe it. Greg’s hand curled around the sheets; when his grip loosened and his eyes opened, there was blank pain in them.
Greg put his hand flat against Nick’s chest, and the earnesty of Greg’s reaction made Nick want to cry. He closed his eyes against the sting, and curled his hand around Greg’s wrist. “She told me that I was supposed to like it… that if I didn’t there was something wrong with me.”
“Nick…” Greg whimpered low in his throat. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. He shuffled closer until his leg was brushing against Nick’s jeans.
Nick squeezed his eyes tighter, holding back the tears. “It’s what makes a person,” he murmured. “That’s what I always tell myself.”
He pushed his leg underneath Greg’s, allowing the tangible weight to calm him. He felt Greg’s hand curl around his shirt, twisting the cloth. When he opened his eyes, Greg’s face was close to his. His linear features, his brow and mouth, made Greg look stern, but his eyes were alive with emotion. His voice, when he spoke, was low and controlled. “I’m so angry, Nicky. I swear, you don’t even-I’m going crazy right now.”
Nick said nothing, didn’t tell him not to be angry. The truth was, he wanted Greg to be angry. He wanted somebody to be angry for that little boy who had been too scared, and too ashamed to be angry for himself.
He looked at the wall over Greg’s shoulder. “You’re turn,” he said simply. “What happened to you?”
Greg’s gaze was fixed on Nick’s chest when he spoke. “It my second year of college, and my roommate had just rented an apartment off campus. I had the room to myself, so a friend of mine who lived down the hall came over a lot… They… well, we were close and one day I thought, so what, maybe I like them, and…and-“ Greg struggled with his words, and Nick didn’t miss the blush that rose from Greg’s neck to his ears.
“Is there a reason you’re playing the pronoun game?” Nick came right out and said it.
Greg spluttered. “I-uh… yeah, there is.” He looked up at Nick hesitantly. In that moment, he looked younger than before.
“Okay, so what happened?” Nick said softly, trying to soothe the younger man.
But Greg’s eyes were still impossibly wide and he pulled away slightly, so that they weren’t touching at all. “Look, it was one time,” Greg said, his voice taking on a defensive tone, though Nick hardly felt it was necessary. “And, I-I didn’t even do anything, honestly, I…” Greg’s eyes fluttered closed, and he took a few deep breaths. He continued, his voice measured and cautious. “I was a kid. When Todd and I grew close I thought, look, it’s not like I’ve ever been with a woman before, or a guy for that matter… I mean, college is supposed to be, uh, a time to try new things, right? So… I thought,” He swallowed, his eyes rolling up to the ceiling. He shrugged. “I thought I could love him… if I wanted to.”
Greg fell silent, and Nick could see in his eyes that he was searching for the right words.
“Did you?” Nick asked eventually. “Did you love him?”
“I-I don’t know…I… I told him to stop…Right before we had sex, I told him to stop…He didn’t even ask me why, that’s how… compassionate he was. He just… left. Told me I could come to his dorm room whenever I wanted to, whenever I was ready. I…
“You know why I told him to stop? I thought it would be like how it is with a woman.”
Nick’s eyes widened, half in shock, and half to hold back laughter. “You mean, you-“
“No,” Greg said sharply. “No, I knew where…things go.” He sighed in frustration. “That was just… the thought that was going through my head when it happened.” After a pause, he laughed too. “It’s ridiculous, I know. I-I hadn’t even been with a woman before, how was I supposed to know what it was like?
“But I thought… I thought it would be less… hard.” He paused, and blinked. Nick chuckled, but when Greg realized the implications of what he had said, he buried his face in his hands and swore softly.
Flipping onto his back, Greg rubbed his face and stared at the ceiling. “I didn’t mean… I meant, I thought it would be gentle. I thought it would be… slow. I… I don’t know, I was a teenage boy, I should have-but… I didn’t realize it was so… physical. I… We were friends, Nick, and I had decided to love him, so I thought it should mean something, you know?”
Greg looked at Nick, frowning slightly. Nick’s chest ached; he couldn’t have ever imagined that the smartass, quirky kid he had met thirteen years ago could ever have felt that way about sex.
Greg shrugged and went on. “I told myself I just wasn’t meant to date guys; that they were all hard lines, and harder edges, and that things would feel right when I found the right girl… And you know what the worst part is?” Greg smiled self-deprecatingly, and shook his head in disbelief. “When I finally did lose my virginity… when I took it slow and made it count, the girl I was with dug her nails into my ass, and pulled me into her, and told me to go faster. Harder. My head was buried in her pillow, and all I could smell was her perfume. Honestly, I had never felt so sickened by anything before.”
Greg sighed. He covered his eyes with his palm, and said, “That’s how it broke me, by never living up to my expectations.”
Nick looked at Greg incredulously. “You mean you’ve never had sex that’s meant something to you?”
Greg smiled slightly, and shook it head. “The only time I came close was with Ellen,” he sounded bitter, “and I’m pretty sure that’s just cause she let me lead and didn’t try to tell me how to fuck her.”
The coarseness of Greg’s words shocked Nick, until he reminded himself that coarseness was the exact opposite of what Greg wanted. He watched Greg for a long time… This man had never known love.
“You know,” Nick said finally. “It doesn’t always have to be rough. With a man, I mean. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be.”
Greg turned onto his side. His frown deepened, and he searched Nick’s gaze for a long time before speaking. “How do you know?”
“Because when I was nineteen I spent a couple of months at the ranch and I met a boy there and we spent the whole summer together,” Nick said plainly, without shame or embarrassment. “He’s the only man I’ve ever been with, but it meant something, Greg."
When Greg didn’t respond, Nick moved closer. He put his hand on Greg’s hip, and asked. “Did you love Todd, Greg?”
“I don’t know…” Greg said again, his words a mere mumble. His wide eyes held a readiness in them that Nick could see plain as day.
“Were you and Todd friends,” Nick asked quietly, slowly, his palm moving in slow circles on Greg’s hip, “the way you and I are friends?”
Greg didn’t speak; he didn’t have to say it.
Nick pressed his cheek against Greg’s, and wove his free hand into Greg’s hair. “Let me show you,” he rasped, “How gentle it can be.”
Greg eyes fluttered shut, and he swallowed thickly. His grabbed the hem of Nick’s shirt, and pressed his forehead into the crook of Nick’s neck.
“Let me make it mean something,” Nick whispered, kissing the edge of Greg’s jaw. Wordlessly, Greg turned his head and pressed their lips together.
Nick pulled away. Greg and Nick stared at one another silently. Nick’s hand ran over Greg’s thigh idly, then back up again, but through the leg of his shorts. The smooth, soft curve molded itself underneath his palm. He squeezed lightly, and felt Greg tug harder at his t-shirt.
“Give me a minute,” Nick said, getting out of bed and walking into the bathroom. When he came back he tossed a shiny packet and a bottle of lotion on the bed. Greg pushed himself onto his elbows and looked at them.
“I thought you said you didn’t bring any condoms,” Greg said mildly.
“I didn’t.” Nick sat down next to Greg, and put his hand on his thigh. “That’s been provided courtesy of the hotel…” He trailed off and then shrugged. “They didn’t have any lube.”
“Ah,” Greg said. He stared and Nick’s hand on his leg, and put his own hand on top of it, twining their fingers together. “Nicky,” he murmured hesitantly, “This is going to change things.”
“I know,” Nick replied warmly. “I want it to.”
Greg nodded. Nick stood and stripped. Greg lifted his hips off the bed, and Nick tugged off his shorts. Greg felt the older man’s gaze on his body, soft and warm. Nick knelt between his legs, and kissed him, sliding one hand under Greg to cup the small of his back.
He started slow, his eyes locked on Greg’s. The look in Greg’s eyes made his chest ache; the younger man was looking at him the way he always had, like nothing had changed between them. It felt like this wasn’t even the first time. Greg’s eyes were so familiar, the look in them so familiar.
Had it been love all along? Even as friends, was the love there all along?
When Nick moved, Greg moaned low in his throat and closed his eyes. Nick lowered his face to Greg’s and whispered in his ear. “This is what it’s supposed to be like Greg. It’s not physical, it’s not dirty, it’s… Greg, it’s…”
Greg silenced him with a kiss. “Nicky, it’s you.”