It's been a while..... (IT'S A SHOOT)
Since I have gone on here and done what we call in the wrestling business "a shoot" which basically means I am going to do be doing more then just ranting about my personal issues, I am going to be VERY blunt and tell the truth the way I feel that it is. I have built up frustration to the point of no return and it's about time I release that. For most of my new friends on here (and any old ones that still read this which would be COMPLETELY amazing) I might trail off from time to time and release other random thoughts while I am going about my little shoot. That i just a heads up in case you start reading half way though and say to yourself "Wow this is not making sense" Sometimes I make posts that only make sense to me. So here we go!
The main reason for me being here is to try and write out my thoughts and then re read them to myself to see if I can come up with a justified answer as to why things have paned out the way they have. In my life I had two personal goals. Which I thought I would never be able to accomplish both. Those being becoming a professional wrestler. Become a family man. Growing up and learning about the true nature of professional wrestling and hearing the horror stories of that life style, I though to myself the two worlds could not co exist. Hence why I mentioned that both couldn't happen. I then decided which ever came first would be the one that I go though with. I was wrestling all over New England. Getting really good exposure and was doing really well. But then my son was born and then I actually and legit quit wrestling.
Now me quiting wrestling at the time was for more then one reason. I was highly burnt out from my on and off again relationship with Ashley. I was highly stressed about being a 19 year old who was about to become a parent, and I was learning to live on my own and becoming aware of the nature of the real world and how it operates and eats you up. But needless to say I quit wrestling. I wanted nothing to do with despite my personal issues with my relationship with Ashley, I had a family. Something that I wanted to have one day. So I quit wrestling. And she as well as many of my friends stepped up and convinced me to get back in the ring and take back on of my few joys that I had going in my life and that being wrestling. When you love something so much and aren't around it for a long time, it honestly takes an effect on your personal life. Just imagine taking a piece of something that makes you happy and then not being able to use it. That's what wrestling is to me!
So I get back into wrestling and take it nice and slow. Working only very local promotions. But still doing something that I love to do. While all this is going on Ashley she wants to move across the country and take my son with her. To avoid THAT long story, I go almost a year without seeing him. She makes a surprise visit on his 2nd birthday and we had a talk about getting back together and all that happy horse shit. Eventually she decided that she's going to move back. So here I am. With my family back together. Regardless of how things were working with me and her, I had my family again. Yes I was beyond aggravated that she was still talking to the ex boy friend and more upset that she still didn't trust me. But to her respect there was many things I didn't trust her about. So I guess that was our trade off. And things were working pretty good for a long time. But we again fell in our endless circle of issues. More of my issues. And we fell apart again.
So now we're going to skip to the current day because I no longer want to look back in the past. I have always thought that despite what has ever happened between me and her, we could still have family affairs and work things out so that our son was happy. And he could spend time with both of his parents. Not just one at a time and being told that both of his parents love him. I grew up with both my parents. Happy family. Yeah we had our bad times but no matter what happened we had a family. So despite the fact that I found it very hard to live with Ashley, I never wanted to split the family and completely disband from her. I never wanted to take away her motherhood from our son. Even though she did it to me when she left for Colorado, two wrongs don't make a right you know what I mean? And even though she wasn't living with me, she still came by to spend time with the two if us. And I liked that. It showed hope for me that Xavier would still have his family. But of course things are different now.
She's not planning on going across the country again. At least to my knowledge. But she's changed completely. And to the point that aggravates me. When she was dating Mike (Her BF from Colorado) she was implanted with the idea that he was better then me and she was better then me also. Which is she wanted to believe in that then fine. But don't take it out on the kid. Don't sit there and decide that she no longer wants to spend time and do family activities with the two of us. Which is what's happening right now. She met this dude and now she's queen of the universe. Am I jealous? Far from it! But I am pissed that now she's too good for her family once again. That she's not going to spend time with me and her son on Sunday's and enjoy our little family day like we have been doing despite us not being together anymore. I could be taking this the wrong way. Should I just submit myself to our society and just become apart of the norm and admit that I have a broken family? Cause to me that's what it is. A bastard son born with both his parents split up. Gees sounds like every day folk to me. Something that I never wanted to be mind you. It's this trial that had lead me to finally believe that I live on hope way too much!
But that's how I am. I fight for something that doesn't necessarily mean it would work, but it was something that I wanted. And maybe I was too selfish to think that it would work. I tried, didn't happen and now I am pissed that it's finally to the point where she no longer accepts me as the biggest life altering factor she will ever have in her LIFE! She's had flings long after me and it's never gotten to the point where its at now. What she does with her life was always her business but now for sure it looks like this family is finally broken into two sides. And boy does it suck! This isn't a cry of desperation! It's my release of what the facts are and my evaluation on how to move on from this. Playing her game isn't the answer! That's a fact. But my game isn't working either. And I refuse to change. I am not going to throw myself into flings like she does to satisfy her sexual needs. And I am not going to out and be fake. She can be fake all she wants. She can cry how much of an asshole I was and tell all her friends how terrible I am and if that's how she lands her dates then good for her. And one day my son is going to get older and ask a bunch of questions and when that day comes, it's going to be very interesting to hear the story that comes out of his mouth. I listen to what he tells me now and I get disgusted. So it's going to be awesome to hear what comes out in the future.
After that long rant I have nothing else to say at the moment. It is what it is. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I won't stick to her level and if I'm wrong then please someone tell me. I would love to hear your thoughts. Because my way of thinking I guess isn't working out for me. I thought that casual dating would be OK. But they come far and between. So am I going to start advertising myself. SINGLE DAD WHO hasn't been laid in months! Great body! Pro wrestler. Knows how to SLAM YOU BABY! HAS INCREDIBLE STAMINA!! And leave no mention to my personality. Then I sell out my soul. But at least I'm not as aggravated by fulfilling "those needs" Maybe I just need a friend with benefits. That way no one gets hurt. Except that the friendship would then become ruined and then I would be even more pissed at myself for sinking to a lower level AND losing as friend out of it. Thinking too much.....going to head out now.
Sorry for the long rant. Just wanted to get these things off my chest.
The main reason for me being here is to try and write out my thoughts and then re read them to myself to see if I can come up with a justified answer as to why things have paned out the way they have. In my life I had two personal goals. Which I thought I would never be able to accomplish both. Those being becoming a professional wrestler. Become a family man. Growing up and learning about the true nature of professional wrestling and hearing the horror stories of that life style, I though to myself the two worlds could not co exist. Hence why I mentioned that both couldn't happen. I then decided which ever came first would be the one that I go though with. I was wrestling all over New England. Getting really good exposure and was doing really well. But then my son was born and then I actually and legit quit wrestling.
Now me quiting wrestling at the time was for more then one reason. I was highly burnt out from my on and off again relationship with Ashley. I was highly stressed about being a 19 year old who was about to become a parent, and I was learning to live on my own and becoming aware of the nature of the real world and how it operates and eats you up. But needless to say I quit wrestling. I wanted nothing to do with despite my personal issues with my relationship with Ashley, I had a family. Something that I wanted to have one day. So I quit wrestling. And she as well as many of my friends stepped up and convinced me to get back in the ring and take back on of my few joys that I had going in my life and that being wrestling. When you love something so much and aren't around it for a long time, it honestly takes an effect on your personal life. Just imagine taking a piece of something that makes you happy and then not being able to use it. That's what wrestling is to me!
So I get back into wrestling and take it nice and slow. Working only very local promotions. But still doing something that I love to do. While all this is going on Ashley she wants to move across the country and take my son with her. To avoid THAT long story, I go almost a year without seeing him. She makes a surprise visit on his 2nd birthday and we had a talk about getting back together and all that happy horse shit. Eventually she decided that she's going to move back. So here I am. With my family back together. Regardless of how things were working with me and her, I had my family again. Yes I was beyond aggravated that she was still talking to the ex boy friend and more upset that she still didn't trust me. But to her respect there was many things I didn't trust her about. So I guess that was our trade off. And things were working pretty good for a long time. But we again fell in our endless circle of issues. More of my issues. And we fell apart again.
So now we're going to skip to the current day because I no longer want to look back in the past. I have always thought that despite what has ever happened between me and her, we could still have family affairs and work things out so that our son was happy. And he could spend time with both of his parents. Not just one at a time and being told that both of his parents love him. I grew up with both my parents. Happy family. Yeah we had our bad times but no matter what happened we had a family. So despite the fact that I found it very hard to live with Ashley, I never wanted to split the family and completely disband from her. I never wanted to take away her motherhood from our son. Even though she did it to me when she left for Colorado, two wrongs don't make a right you know what I mean? And even though she wasn't living with me, she still came by to spend time with the two if us. And I liked that. It showed hope for me that Xavier would still have his family. But of course things are different now.
She's not planning on going across the country again. At least to my knowledge. But she's changed completely. And to the point that aggravates me. When she was dating Mike (Her BF from Colorado) she was implanted with the idea that he was better then me and she was better then me also. Which is she wanted to believe in that then fine. But don't take it out on the kid. Don't sit there and decide that she no longer wants to spend time and do family activities with the two of us. Which is what's happening right now. She met this dude and now she's queen of the universe. Am I jealous? Far from it! But I am pissed that now she's too good for her family once again. That she's not going to spend time with me and her son on Sunday's and enjoy our little family day like we have been doing despite us not being together anymore. I could be taking this the wrong way. Should I just submit myself to our society and just become apart of the norm and admit that I have a broken family? Cause to me that's what it is. A bastard son born with both his parents split up. Gees sounds like every day folk to me. Something that I never wanted to be mind you. It's this trial that had lead me to finally believe that I live on hope way too much!
But that's how I am. I fight for something that doesn't necessarily mean it would work, but it was something that I wanted. And maybe I was too selfish to think that it would work. I tried, didn't happen and now I am pissed that it's finally to the point where she no longer accepts me as the biggest life altering factor she will ever have in her LIFE! She's had flings long after me and it's never gotten to the point where its at now. What she does with her life was always her business but now for sure it looks like this family is finally broken into two sides. And boy does it suck! This isn't a cry of desperation! It's my release of what the facts are and my evaluation on how to move on from this. Playing her game isn't the answer! That's a fact. But my game isn't working either. And I refuse to change. I am not going to throw myself into flings like she does to satisfy her sexual needs. And I am not going to out and be fake. She can be fake all she wants. She can cry how much of an asshole I was and tell all her friends how terrible I am and if that's how she lands her dates then good for her. And one day my son is going to get older and ask a bunch of questions and when that day comes, it's going to be very interesting to hear the story that comes out of his mouth. I listen to what he tells me now and I get disgusted. So it's going to be awesome to hear what comes out in the future.
After that long rant I have nothing else to say at the moment. It is what it is. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I won't stick to her level and if I'm wrong then please someone tell me. I would love to hear your thoughts. Because my way of thinking I guess isn't working out for me. I thought that casual dating would be OK. But they come far and between. So am I going to start advertising myself. SINGLE DAD WHO hasn't been laid in months! Great body! Pro wrestler. Knows how to SLAM YOU BABY! HAS INCREDIBLE STAMINA!! And leave no mention to my personality. Then I sell out my soul. But at least I'm not as aggravated by fulfilling "those needs" Maybe I just need a friend with benefits. That way no one gets hurt. Except that the friendship would then become ruined and then I would be even more pissed at myself for sinking to a lower level AND losing as friend out of it. Thinking too much.....going to head out now.
Sorry for the long rant. Just wanted to get these things off my chest.