Five years later....
Forever should be taken out of the english language. Now-a-days our views change more frequently than some people change their underwear. "Best friends forever!", "I will love you forever", I'm over it. I'm overwhelmed by thoughts of the past. I find myself asking way too often "what if?" The big what if right? Everyone says to not second guess yourself but how the fuck can I not? I look back at what was important to me in the past and it's absolutely revolting. I hate the decisions I made and I'm starting to hate who I've become because those decisions lead me down a narrow path to where I am today. And where exactly am I today? I'm living with my fantastic boyfriend who has to take care of me because...I can't get a fucking job...nor can I go back to college because I can't afford it nor can I get a loan. In addition...no concrete college will take me because of my academic history. If I had had a glimpse into the future back in 2004 I don't think I would have been nearly self absorbed as I was. I had a lot back then that I took for granted. I went to a fantastic high school...I had this talent for soccer...I had this great person who had a rose only for me...and what did I do? I took a shit all over the high road. The school? I made B's and C's instead of taking the extra step and studying. The soccer? I started smoking (fucking idiot). The person? I was too blind to see that they was...well...they were it. Kind, caring, there for me. You know those moments where you wish you could go back in time and yell at your past self to shut the fuck up? or study harder? that's where I'm at.
My life isn't bad...it's just not where I wanted to be way back when. My dreams haven't come true.
I wish I could go back and do it all over again...
Maybe...
Just maybe...
Things might have been...
Better.