Anger fills my soul
I am so mad..... I don't know why. I just want to scream and cry and kick. I hate feeling like this. My mom went back to my stepsisters house yesterday. Now I have no way to contact her and no way to know how she is doing. I wish she would have just gone up north to my aunts.....grrrr. I am just so worried about her because she is not well and Charlie is not well. Cassandra has her hands full with the baby and her other four children. Like she needs my mom and charlie being sickly . so I am sure they are going to try and do stuff around there. I hate that she lives so far.....but yet i feel so selfish because I didn't go to help her. I think I am just pmsing..... I got really upset yesterday because Ryan asked me when I was supposed to have my period. I just feel like he thinks that I would get purposely pregnant to trap him . I have told him a million times that I don't believe in that. So when he asked me I told him...that it upsets me when he thinks that. He told me that he didn't mean it like that and it has been a rough year so far. I told him I have had a rough year to and then he asked me if he told me that he went to anchorage. I said yeah......and what ? then he wouldn't talk to me about anything else. I hate that he clams up like that. I wish he would talk to me. i know that he doesn't want a relationship with me.......but I can't help but love the way that he holds me and makes me feel. I need to take a break from him. I don't want to see him at all this week. I just feel like he sees through my soul and is taking advantage of it. I had the craziest dream the other night. It has left a yucky taste in my mouth. I dreamed I was driving some where and my car started to spin out of control and I just let it spin. I didn't try to correct it or change it I just closed my eyes. Then i woke up and fell asleep in to another dream. It was about my uncle. he was molesting me. I have been in this yucky mood sense that dream. Why do you think I would dream that. I just feel really misunderstood. I just want some one who I can talk to and not feel like I am being judged. I need to meet some new people. Brook had her baby and Every one else is busy in life. I need to be more busy. Its about time i get that second job I have been talking about. It is time to take charge of my life. I guess I just need my own spot and I won't feel like I am in as much of a funk.