LuRe Big Bang Fic - He's the one I dream of - Part Four
Tonight his heart is racing. He is frantically searching through folders on Luke’s computer looking for anything to confirm his suspicions. He’s pretty deep into it clicking folders inside of folders inside of folders. When he clicks on the next one and inside is another folder that is untitled. Reid is about to go back but something tells him to go a little bit deeper. He clicks on the first file in the untitled folder and it’s an email. From Noah. As soon as his eyes scan over that name his blood starts to boil. This is exactly what he had been looking for. Exactly what he had been hoping not to find.
He spends the next hour clicking on file after file going through months of emails between Luke and Noah. Some of them are harmless catching up but some are something more. The one he is looking at right then is one from Luke to Noah. Luke goes on and on about how frustrated he has been with Reid. About how busy Reid has been with work. And how they seem to be drifting apart. In the next one Luke details a fight that the two of them had a few weeks ago. Tells him how lonely he feels now. Tells him that he doesn’t know what to do. In this one there is a response from Noah. Noah tries to reassure Luke at first. Tries to make excuses about why Reid is not around more. But that was all just a premise. Something to get him built up so that he could really tear him down. Noah goes on to say that maybe it’s for the best. That they were never right for each other anyway. He suggests that Luke needs some time away. That he has a spare bedroom if he ever needs somewhere to go. He’s just finishing Noah’s response when Luke walks into the room.
“What are you doing?” Luke looks at him accusingly and that sets Reid off.
“What am I doing? What the hell are you doing, Luke?!?” Reid turns the laptop so that Luke can see what he had been looking at. “What the fuck is this Luke?”
“It’s nothing. Noah and I have been emailing each other.” Luke storms towards him and snatches the laptop slamming it shut.
“Nothing? Really, Luke?” Reid gets up and walks towards Luke. “If it’s nothing how come you have them buried so deep that an archeologist couldn’t find it?” Luke’s cheeks are tinted pink now and he scowls at Reid turning away from him and walking out of the room. Reid follows him. “How long has this been going on? How long have you been keeping this from me?”
“Keeping it from you? God Reid!” Luke drags a hand through his hair roughly. “You act like I’ve been cheating on you. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a few emails.” Reid huffs out a breath.
“Then why were you hiding them? Why didn’t you tell me you were back in contact with him?” Luke’s eyes dart back and forth across the room like he is searching for an answer.
“I wasn’t hiding them. I just didn’t think it was important enough to tell you.” They are in the living room now and Luke sits on the edge of the couch dropping his elbows to his knees.
“Not important enough? I thought we told each other everything. I thought that was one of our rules?” Reid paces back and forth in front of the couch. “You said you didn’t want to end up like your parents. Like every other couple in this town. You said you wanted us to share everything. To never lie to each other. What happened to that, Luke? What happened to us?” Reid was facing him now with that pleading look in his eyes.
“What happened to us? Your job Reid. That’s what happened to us. You are never here anymore. And when you are you come home late and go straight to bed.” Luke sat back now looking straight at Reid. “When was I supposed to tell you about it? When am I supposed to tell you about anything. Every time I call you all I get is your voicemail.” Luke looked down at his hands that were clasped tightly in his lap. “I just needed someone to talk to. And Noah…” He lets out a sigh. “Noah was there.”
“How was I supposed to know that you needed me if you don’t tell me?”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you Reid! You should just know!” Luke is so mad that he has propelled himself off of the couch now and is standing nose to nose with Reid.
“I may know the brain inside and out but I’m not a fucking mind reader. I can’t solve a problem that I don’t know about.” Reid sees the anger flare in Luke’s eyes.
“How can you not know that there is problem here, Reid?!? We don’t talk anymore, we don’t spend time together, we haven’t made love in weeks.” Luke drops his eyes to the floor and takes a step back. “We might as well not even live together if things are going to be like this.”
“What is that? Is that a threat Luke? You know I don’t respond well to threats so if I were you I would think very carefully about what you say next.” Luke goes from defeated back to angry in a matter of seconds and is back in Reid’s space crowding him against the arm of the couch.
“Oh I have, believe me. I have had nothing but time to think about all of this since you are never around. If anyone needs to choose their words carefully it’s you.” Luke has this maniacal look in his eyes now and Reid doesn’t even recognize him. Reid narrows his eyes at him.
“Or what? Are you going to go all ‘Luciano Grimaldi’ on me now?” Reid turns around and heads back up the stairs. By the time Luke catches up with him Reid has dug his duffle bag out of the closet and is stuffing clothes into it not even caring if he has everything he needs.
~~~~~~~~
Luciano. Luke. The blond from his dreams and the blond from his reality meld together and just like that it’s back. All of it. The pieces have finally come back together and he remembered everything. Remembered going to Oakdale. Meeting Luke. Falling in love. Creating a life. And most of all he remembered how it all ended. Remembered how it all fell apart. All of the lies and yelling and heartache came flooding back and he couldn’t help but get swept up in it all. He felt it all like it was yesterday. He remembered what it was like to have to come back to Dallas and beg for his job back. How he had spent months trying to piece his life and his heart back together. Eventually his life had started to resemble something normal but his heart. His heart was beyond repair.
And just as fast as he remembered everything he had lost he also remembered everything that had happened since. He remembered Luke coming to visit him every day. He remembered him lying to him over and over. Pretending to be someone he’s not. Pretending as if they had never met. And suddenly he was furious. Suddenly the pain of the lies in their past meld with the frustration of the lies of the present and he could barely contain how angry he was.
Of course that is the moment that Luke chooses to walk through the door. Big dopey smile and messy blond hair pretending as if everything is normal. As if him coming to visit a ‘complete stranger’ every day is just something he does. As if the bond that has formed between them over the last couple of months is something new and exciting instead of something that has always been there. Something that was there long before they met and would be there long after they parted.
And that was what had always bugged Reid about how everything came together for them. When he first walked up to him in the hall of Memorial. It was as if he was coming home. As if everything he had done in his life had been leading him to that moment. And it scared him. It scared him so much that instead of trying to figure it out he decided to defy it instead. He decided that he would hate Luke Snyder. Unfortunately for him that didn’t hold up very long.
When Luke saw the expression on Reid’s face his smile faded and he stopped. He searched those blue eyes for that thing that had been missing since seeing him again. That thing that had started to find its way back over the last few days. Luke could never pinpoint when exactly it had started but one day behind all of the biting comments and the animosity there was a light in Reid’s eyes when he looked at Luke. There was a recognition. A familiarity. There was that something that most couples searched for but very few ever found. There was acceptance. And as soon as Luke realized it. As soon as he knew that it was reflected in his eyes as well it was all over for him. Because try as he did to fight it there was nothing that would stop him from falling head over heels in love with Reid. Not that first time and not now.
When Luke tried to walk towards him Reid scooted back in the bed so far that he was flush against the head board and so he stopped. He held his hands up in mock surrender, “Reid.”
“Don’t Luke…just don’t.” Reid got out of the bed and put on his robe before storming across the room and locking himself in the bathroom. Reid felt like a child but he just didn’t care at the moment. He couldn’t bear to face him. He didn’t want to hear his explanations and he most definitely didn’t want to have to look into those deep brown eyes that were always pleading with him.
Luke followed placing his hands on the door as if that would somehow get him closer to Reid. “Reid, please.” Luke heard some shuffling around behind the door and let out a deep sigh as he rested his head against the door. “I know you’re mad. I know right now it seems like one big game to you. That all I have done over the past few weeks is lie to you.” Luke paused so that he could listen for a second but when he didn’t hear anything he continued. “It’s not like that Reid. It’s never been like that. If I could just explain. If I could make you understand…” the door opened then and Luke had to jump out the way as not to get run over.
“Understand? What is it exactly that you want me to understand Luke?” Reid’s eyes were bulged out and his face was red. Luke had seen him angry before but it had rarely been directed at him. Except for that night. “You want me to understand that you’ve lied to me again? That you’ve made a fool of me again?”
“No, Reid.” Luke reached out for him but Reid only backed away. “It wasn’t like that. I only wanted…” Luke’s words trailed off because for the life of him he couldn’t think of a way to explain what it was that he wanted. What he had hoped to gain from doing this. Because as much as he would like to maintain that it had all been for Reid. To help him get back his memories. To make him whole again. He couldn’t lie to him. Not now. Not about this.
“You see.” Reid holds up his hands as if all of the answers lie somewhere between them. “This is what I am talking about. You can’t even come up with a good excuse.” Reid turns and starts to walk out of his room but then stops when he remembers that this was his house. “I need you to leave Luke. I just…I…please just leave.” Luke’s eyes were welling up with tears as he looked at the man that he had loved for what seemed like forever. Everything had always felt that way with Reid. As if he had know him forever. Loved him forever. Needed him forever. Instead of continuing to argue with him he did as he was asked. He turned without another word and walked out of his room. Out of his house. Out of his life.
~~~~~~~~
Several months later Reid was browsing in a book store that he frequented when a book on display caught his attention. Walking up to it he couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw ‘Still feel you here’ by Luke Snyder. He thought at first it was a coincidence. That it was some other guy with the same name. But when he picked it up and turned it over there was Luke’s smiling face. That unbelievably happy smile that he used to get when Reid would surprise him by coming home early from work so they could spend some ‘quality time’ together. Those brown eyes seemed to pierce him right through his heart as it began to beat rapidly. The next thing he knew he was at the cash register buying the book and leaving without even getting what he came for. When he got home he set the book on his coffee table with a few medical journals that were already there and then went about his day.
The next day when he walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch the book was still there. It sat there on his coffee table annoyingly bright and calling out to him but Reid did his best to ignore it. Instead he picked up one of the medical journals underneath it and started flipping through the pages looking for an article that he hadn’t read already. A few minutes later he tossed the journal back onto the table remembering then that he had already read everything of interest in that one. Luke’s name on the front of the book seemed to grow larger and larger taunting him. Resisting its call he flipped the book over but that didn’t exactly help because instead of his name staring back at him there were those inviting eyes. Reid covered the book with the journal and left the room.
A couple days later Reid walked into the living room with a beer and a bowl of popcorn before settling on the couch to watch some TV. When he went to put his feet up on the coffee table he accidently kicked the book which landed on the floor open to a page near the end of the book. Reid had been avoiding the book at all costs over the past couple days which meant that he had been watching TV in his room instead of the living room. And even when he was in the living room it was only to pass through as quickly as possible. Reid picked the book up and suddenly felt the need to know. Going to a paragraph on the open page he began reading:
Landon had always hated plans. Mostly because nothing ever went as planned. Everything eventually breaks and in the end all he could do was say goodbye. The problem was that he had never wanted Reece out of his life. He only ever wanted a life with him. A life that they could build together in love where they were both free to be who they were and love each other despite whatever flaws they thought the other had. From the very beginning they had planned on forever but of course since that was the plan it hadn’t gone that way.
When they first met they saw each other. Not in that artificial way that couples always claim to do. But really saw each other. What was inside. What they were capable of not only apart but together as well. Landon always liked to joke that they could bottle what they had together and sell it. Reece would only laugh and shake his head in response. Landon couldn’t help but think if only he had a bottle of it now. Maybe, just maybe it would repair everything that had gone wrong between them.
As much as Landon tried to move on something would always bring him back to Reece. It wasn’t until later. After everything that had happened. After all of the lies and deceit that Landon figured it out. Reece was in his veins. He was in his veins and he couldn’t get him out. He held him completely without even a touch. Because no matter how far he managed to get from him he could still feel him there. No matter how hard he tried to extract him it was no use. He clawed, scratched, cut himself deep. Bled until he thought there was nothing left of him. And after all of that. After everything. He thought he felt victory. Peace. Freedom from the gravity of his love. But then it healed and little by little he felt him there again. Felt it deep inside himself. Because Reece was still and would always be in his veins.
Closing the book Reid’s head was spinning. Something about all of it seemed so familiar. Like watching a movie of your own life. Part of him actually felt a little angry at Luke for writing this book. For putting their story out there for the whole world to see. Going to the back of the book Reid read the blurb needing to get some deeper understanding about what the rest of the book was about “The tragic tale of forever cut short and one man’s quest to win back the love of his life. When all he has left are the lies that he’s built everything on how will he go on from there? And will he ever be free of the gravity of the love that he has lost?”
Reid dropped the book back onto the coffee table and sat back on the couch pulling his favorite pillow to his chest. How could Luke do this to him? How could he lie to him about everything? First about Noah and then later after his accident. How could he put it all out there for anyone to read? What they had been through. The good times and the bad. It was personal. Anyone that knew either of them would know that this book was about them which meant the entirety of Oakdale was privy to their personal life.
Reid didn’t go back into the living room for several days. He couldn’t think about the book let alone see it. All he wanted was to go on with his life and forget that the book even existed. That any of it existed. He almost wished that he could go back to right after his accident when he had no memory of Luke or his life in Oakdale. Because if he didn’t remember. If he didn’t know what it could be like. Then he wouldn’t feel this overwhelming and almost debilitating pain and emptiness.
But once Reid was able to pinpoint the cause of the pain he settled on the couch and picked up the book and started to read. He read it from cover to cover in one sitting only pausing to get something to eat and drink and go to the bathroom. When he was finished he realized that he had no reason to be angry with Luke. He thought that book would be full of stretched truths and excuses as to why things turned out the way they did but it was exactly the opposite. It was a testament. A testament as to how much Luke loved him. A confession of all the lies and everything else that had torn them apart. But most of all it was a heartbreaking love story that ended the way it began. With both characters alone and in desperate need of someone to see them and accept them for who they were.
That was all Reid had ever wanted but he hadn’t known it until Luke. And after reading his book he realized that it was all Luke had ever wanted as well. Reid had always thought because Luke was outgoing and loved by anyone that met him that he had no need for anyone else in his life. That even though he gave the impression of happiness with Reid that there would eventually come a day when Luke would leave. At first this had kept Reid from going down that path but there came a point where it was too late and Reid decided that if he was going to go down he was going to go down fighting. The only problem was that somewhere along the way he had stopped fighting. Stopped fighting for himself. For them. And most importantly for Luke.
Jumping off of the couch Reid ran into his bedroom and pulled a duffle bag from his closet and started stuffing a couple changes of clothes in it. Next he went into the bathroom grabbing his toothbrush and a few other toiletry items before heading back to the living room and opening his laptop. He found a flight that was leaving in an hour and thought if he hurried he might be able to make it there just in time. Running outside Reid jumped into his car and sped off in the direction of the airport. Once he was there he parked his car in long term parking being as he didn’t know how long he would be gone and raced for the gate. They were just boarding the last few passengers when Reid got there and once he was on the plane and settled he let out a sigh of relief. Reid was so focused on getting to Luke that he didn’t have his giant freak-out that he normally had when on a plane. Once they were at cruising altitude Reid put his seat back, turned on his ipod and let the music take him away.
Before he knew it the flight attendant was tapping his shoulder and telling him that he needed to put his seat up because they were starting their decent into Oakdale. Reid did as he was told bouncing in his seat in excitement. It wasn’t until the plane touched down and he was walking through the tunnel that the fear gripped him by the heart. What if Luke had finally been able to move on? What if he was finally free? What if he no longer wanted Reid? Giving it another thought Reid decided that he didn’t care. That he couldn’t go back to Dallas without giving this everything that he had. That he wouldn’t go down without a fight.
When Reid pulled up in front of the farm he quickly paid the cab driver and jumped out heading straight to the door. It was open as usual so Reid let himself in. Looking around the house it seemed as if no one was there. Going back outside Reid heard some noise coming from the stables and so he headed in that direction. When he got closer he could hear Holden’s voice and almost lost his nerve. He was about to turn around and go look for Luke elsewhere when Holden came out. “Reid? What are you doing here?” Reid shuffled from one foot to the other, a nervous habit that he had picked up from Luke.
“I ummm…I was looking for Luke. Is he here?” Holden looked at him pointedly for a few seconds before his features softened and he let out a sigh.
“No son, he’s not.” Reid suddenly felt dejected. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he couldn’t find out where Luke was and go to him.
“Oh, ok. Sorry to bother you.” Reid turned and started to walk back up the path.
“He’ll be here soon though. He usually comes around after work and heads down to the pond for a few hours. No one dares to bother him while he’s there. You could wait if you want.” Reid turned back towards Holden a grateful smile making its way through.
“Thank you, sir.” Holden who had walked the last few feet between them patted him on the shoulder.
“It’s Holden.” He said smiling and headed back into the stables.
Reid walked the short path down to the pond and sat down on the dock to wait. Looking out over the water Reid couldn’t help but remember all of the moments that he and Luke had shared there. Fun filled splash wars with Luke’s siblings and cousins. Family picnics. Quite evenings with just the two of them and a blanket. Reid got lost in it all and didn’t even hear the approaching footsteps.
“Reid?” Reid turned to see Luke standing at the end of the dock mouth gaping like it usually did when he was in shock. Reid got up and walked towards Luke. Taking each step with purpose. His eyes locked on Luke’s and heart pounding in his chest.
“I read your book.” It wasn’t the opening that Reid had planned but it was what came out.
“If you’re here to yell at me then you can just save it. I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” Luke walked past him a few feet, back turned to Reid.
“I don’t want to fight either. At least not with you.” Luke turned to look at him a small spark of hope in his eyes. “I want to fight for you. For us. It took me reading your book to realize that everything that happened was just as much my fault as it was yours.” Reid looked down at his feet needing for this to come out perfectly. The problem was that he had never had a way with words. Not like Luke. “It made me realize that somewhere along the way that I stopped fighting. And I’m so sorry Luke.” When Reid brought his eyes back up to meet Luke’s a lone tear was making its way down Luke’s cheek. Stepping forward Reid reached out to catch it before cupping Luke’s cheek like he had done so many times before. “If you forgive me I promise that I will never give up on us again. I will…” His words were cut off by Luke’s lips slamming into his as he let out a startled gasp. Luke’s arms came up around his neck just as his arms circled Luke’s waist pulling them tightly against each other. Reid opened his eyes for a second just to make sure that this was real and he could see in the distance the sun setting over the hills. Closing his eyes again he thought about how much they needed to talk about still but that right then it didn’t matter. All that mattered in that moment was the sky above, the earth below, and the feel of Luke’s lips against his own. Everything else could wait.
MASTER POST