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FOUND in the back of my closet: a spewgreen bag from Harrod's, the following within:
- An empty yellow box, festooned with Canadian smiley faces grinning at yellowed clip-art of the large and small intestines, which once contained 60 capsules at 4.4 billion organisms apiece of Jarrow Formulas' Jarro-Dophilus Enhanced Probiotic System, enteric coated and not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease
- An unopened box of almost-expired tablets of Prilosec OTC, 14 omeprazole delayed-release tablets, a product of Sweden
- An opened box of same with eight of the tablets gone, a product of Sweden
- An opened box of Zantac-75 ranitidine tablets with two expired tablets remaining
- A half-full bottle of chewable TUMS Disgusting Maximum Strength ULTRA tablets
- A mostly-full bottle of prescription doxycycline at 100mg apiece, with a warning on the edge to take with plenty of water, meaning plenty of water AFTER you've swallowed the elephantine blue monstrosity that has "Dan Dan" printed on its side, because if you don't wash the pill down, it will get stuck in your esophagus, prompting doxycycline-induced esophagitis, which itself will so weaken your immune system that you will get an inner-ear infection, which itself will cause permanent hearing loss in your right ear, psychological damage and 6-12 months of terrifying vertigo
- An empty bottle of prescription metronidazole at 500mg apiece, which will make your urine into Cherry Coke
- A nearly empty bottle of Wellbutrin XL 300mg tablets with 13 tablets remaining and a warning on the back that reads CALL DOCTOR IF YOU EXPERIENCE MOOD, SADNESS, DEPRESSION OR FEAR
- One spirited tablet of Zantac that tried to flee
Tonight! I throw it all away!
- An empty yellow box, festooned with Canadian smiley faces grinning at yellowed clip-art of the large and small intestines, which once contained 60 capsules at 4.4 billion organisms apiece of Jarrow Formulas' Jarro-Dophilus Enhanced Probiotic System, enteric coated and not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease
- An unopened box of almost-expired tablets of Prilosec OTC, 14 omeprazole delayed-release tablets, a product of Sweden
- An opened box of same with eight of the tablets gone, a product of Sweden
- An opened box of Zantac-75 ranitidine tablets with two expired tablets remaining
- A half-full bottle of chewable TUMS Disgusting Maximum Strength ULTRA tablets
- A mostly-full bottle of prescription doxycycline at 100mg apiece, with a warning on the edge to take with plenty of water, meaning plenty of water AFTER you've swallowed the elephantine blue monstrosity that has "Dan Dan" printed on its side, because if you don't wash the pill down, it will get stuck in your esophagus, prompting doxycycline-induced esophagitis, which itself will so weaken your immune system that you will get an inner-ear infection, which itself will cause permanent hearing loss in your right ear, psychological damage and 6-12 months of terrifying vertigo
- An empty bottle of prescription metronidazole at 500mg apiece, which will make your urine into Cherry Coke
- A nearly empty bottle of Wellbutrin XL 300mg tablets with 13 tablets remaining and a warning on the back that reads CALL DOCTOR IF YOU EXPERIENCE MOOD, SADNESS, DEPRESSION OR FEAR
- One spirited tablet of Zantac that tried to flee
Tonight! I throw it all away!