Women and men have different masturbation stigmas. If you managed to grow up in a conservative religion and avoid absorbing those stigmas, you're lucky if not unique.
I can't imagine the urge to masturbate becoming compulsive. At that point it isn't masturbation that's causing the problem, it's brain chemistry. And I don't really care whether masturbation itself is harmful or sinful. The point I was trying to address is that the guilt we attach to masturbation as a society can become a harmful self-perpetuating cycle because our society refers to allow open communication about sexual matters. You are either following the herd or keeping your mouth shut.
The idea that the bedroom is a private place doesn't help the issue. How many couples talk about masturbation in their bedrooms? Not as many as there are bedrooms. The social norm is sick and unhealthy and causes emotional fallout. That's what I am trying to say. Until we can communicate, openly and effectively, without censoring ourselves, we will have to hide what we do behind the doors of our bedrooms. We should not live in fear of people learning our sexual behavior. We shouldn't have to hide behind the door, we should be able to invite someone in and have the discussion without feeling like we are standing out like a sore thumb just for talking about it.
Actually, I grew up in a very conservative enviornment but not a religious one. I always went to religious schools, but they were not the religion of my parents so I started out with differing mind-sets. Masturbation just wasn't mentioned, but then neither was sex. That meant I sort of had to make up my own rules along the way.
I agree that anything the becomes compulsive can become an unhealthy issue - no matter what it is, including drinking your eight glasses of water a day.
As to either following the herd or shutting up - I took another approach. I grew up woefully ignorant about sexual matters, so I've spent pretty much a lifetime educating others. I got into a TON of trouble with the boarding school I taught at in India because I gave informal sex ed classes to anyone who asked. We covered disease, contraception, self-worth concerns, boundaries, masturbation, morality-ethics-nature, public perception, logical consequence - if they kids asked, I did my best to answer. I've had kids from Kodai call me years later, thanking me - and Tara's parents even thanked me at her brother's wedding.
As to couples discussing masturbation in the bedroom? I can't think of a boyfriend I haven't discussed it with, at first because I was curious and later because I realized that there are a few folks out there who suffer from those feelings of guilt and shame that you're talking about. Generally, once you address the issue though things diffuse and everything is rosy.
See, I don't think that 'everything is rosy' is a good description for it as long as people exist under the impression that they have made an irrepairable error. And that's what today's religion teaches. And this is reinforced by stereotype and peer pressure.
There are only two acceptable answers to the masturbation question: 'No.' and the humorous, 'I-do-it-so-much-I-duct-taped-the-vaseline-jar-to-my-hand-to-save-time.'
See, I don't think that 'everything is rosy' is a good description for it as long as people exist under the impression that they have made an irrepariable error. And that's what today's religion teaches. And this is reinforced by stereotype and peer pressure.
I don't KNOW anyone who considers masturbation an irreparable error, excepting yourself. Even the Mormon boys I dated (and the two I was engaged to) didn't find masturbation more than mildly embarrassing to discuss - but even then they were still game to indulge my curiosity and even show me favored techniques when I pointed out to them that they knew their bodies better than I did.
There are only two acceptable answers to the masturbation question: 'No.' and the humorous, 'I-do-it-so-much-I-duct-taped-the-vaseline-jar-to-my-hand-to-save-time.'
But why do you feel this way? I see myriads of answers in between.
To the contrary, if I have given you the impression that I see it as irreparable, we are both mistaken. I am not talking about how I feel, I am talking about what I hear and see. We may hear and see different data. I think that is inevitable as men act differently around men than they do around women, and vice versa.
Of course there are a lot of different answers. I am talking about the socially acceptable ones. It's great that you are the kind of person that can encourage people to give you honest and thoughtful answers. You are not going to get those same answers if there is a whole social group present. Most answers are going to be either, Silence/Denial or Enthusiasm to the point of absurdism.
I can't imagine the urge to masturbate becoming compulsive. At that point it isn't masturbation that's causing the problem, it's brain chemistry. And I don't really care whether masturbation itself is harmful or sinful. The point I was trying to address is that the guilt we attach to masturbation as a society can become a harmful self-perpetuating cycle because our society refers to allow open communication about sexual matters. You are either following the herd or keeping your mouth shut.
The idea that the bedroom is a private place doesn't help the issue. How many couples talk about masturbation in their bedrooms? Not as many as there are bedrooms. The social norm is sick and unhealthy and causes emotional fallout. That's what I am trying to say. Until we can communicate, openly and effectively, without censoring ourselves, we will have to hide what we do behind the doors of our bedrooms. We should not live in fear of people learning our sexual behavior. We shouldn't have to hide behind the door, we should be able to invite someone in and have the discussion without feeling like we are standing out like a sore thumb just for talking about it.
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I agree that anything the becomes compulsive can become an unhealthy issue - no matter what it is, including drinking your eight glasses of water a day.
As to either following the herd or shutting up - I took another approach. I grew up woefully ignorant about sexual matters, so I've spent pretty much a lifetime educating others. I got into a TON of trouble with the boarding school I taught at in India because I gave informal sex ed classes to anyone who asked. We covered disease, contraception, self-worth concerns, boundaries, masturbation, morality-ethics-nature, public perception, logical consequence - if they kids asked, I did my best to answer. I've had kids from Kodai call me years later, thanking me - and Tara's parents even thanked me at her brother's wedding.
As to couples discussing masturbation in the bedroom? I can't think of a boyfriend I haven't discussed it with, at first because I was curious and later because I realized that there are a few folks out there who suffer from those feelings of guilt and shame that you're talking about. Generally, once you address the issue though things diffuse and everything is rosy.
Reply
There are only two acceptable answers to the masturbation question: 'No.' and the humorous, 'I-do-it-so-much-I-duct-taped-the-vaseline-jar-to-my-hand-to-save-time.'
Reply
I don't KNOW anyone who considers masturbation an irreparable error, excepting yourself. Even the Mormon boys I dated (and the two I was engaged to) didn't find masturbation more than mildly embarrassing to discuss - but even then they were still game to indulge my curiosity and even show me favored techniques when I pointed out to them that they knew their bodies better than I did.
There are only two acceptable answers to the masturbation question: 'No.' and the humorous, 'I-do-it-so-much-I-duct-taped-the-vaseline-jar-to-my-hand-to-save-time.'
But why do you feel this way? I see myriads of answers in between.
Reply
Of course there are a lot of different answers. I am talking about the socially acceptable ones. It's great that you are the kind of person that can encourage people to give you honest and thoughtful answers. You are not going to get those same answers if there is a whole social group present. Most answers are going to be either, Silence/Denial or Enthusiasm to the point of absurdism.
Reply
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