December 3, 2006
I'm starting to feel the crazy creep back into me. I'm trying to repress it, but certain things that usually don't get to me are starting to get to me again and make me feel like a fucking psycho. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so at least I'm not letting everyone else know I'm insane. Also I have had a headache off and on for about a month...and when I say off and on I mean I am ecstatic to go an entire day without one. I have no money, and my mom isn't going to be able to pay me for the car like she said she would. I have 8 llbs of work due in the next two weeks, and I've barely made a dent in it (mostly my fault, but also the fact that I can't look at my computer screen for more than an hour without getting a horrible headache). I can't eat dairy anymore cause it makes me sick. My house is messy (all my fault). I'm ready to not feel like this. I don't want to fall in too deep again. I like liking myself and not being a burden to others. It's nice that way.
edit I remember what I felt like then, and I don't feel like that now. I suppose the difference between then and now is that I am in control and independent. I love and want to have the people in my life, but I'm not constantly waiting for them to leave me, like I have in the past. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I am in essence hating myself, feeling as though the people I love would be great without me. I don't feel like this. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I tend to treat them badly, because maybe if I push then it is not them leaving but me pushing them away. I'm not pushing. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I let them do things to me that I don't deserve because if I make a fuss I might be seen as a burden and easier to leave and besides being unhappy with them is better than not being with them at all. But I don't keep anyone around me who doesn't love and respect me, and I tell them if what they are doing is hurting me. I hate being a girl sometimes, but at least I've gotten to the point where I can just simply leave a situation, cool down, and be ok. In the past I would have left, went home, and cried so hard I was unable to breathe.
I know I'm not perfect and I know I don't treat everyone exactly as they deserve to be treated, but I make an effort to do so and to apologize if I don't. I want to be better in the ways that I am not.
edit I remember what I felt like then, and I don't feel like that now. I suppose the difference between then and now is that I am in control and independent. I love and want to have the people in my life, but I'm not constantly waiting for them to leave me, like I have in the past. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I am in essence hating myself, feeling as though the people I love would be great without me. I don't feel like this. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I tend to treat them badly, because maybe if I push then it is not them leaving but me pushing them away. I'm not pushing. If I am waiting for people to leave me, I let them do things to me that I don't deserve because if I make a fuss I might be seen as a burden and easier to leave and besides being unhappy with them is better than not being with them at all. But I don't keep anyone around me who doesn't love and respect me, and I tell them if what they are doing is hurting me. I hate being a girl sometimes, but at least I've gotten to the point where I can just simply leave a situation, cool down, and be ok. In the past I would have left, went home, and cried so hard I was unable to breathe.
I know I'm not perfect and I know I don't treat everyone exactly as they deserve to be treated, but I make an effort to do so and to apologize if I don't. I want to be better in the ways that I am not.