Random and only partially sorted
I don't know to say. I've wanted to write something for a few days now. Back in the day, I'd have spent several hours a day for a week coming up with a killer post that would have knocked everybody's socks off. I've been 'processing', as Kim and I call it. I think about what has happened, and possibly even feel about it. And it builds up, and I sort through the stuff.
I had my vasectomy reversed two weeks ago. The process of getting that to happen has forced me to revisit the most painful and distressing experiences of my adult life, possibly of my entire life. My kids don't talk to me, don't seem to want to. I'm numb to it most of the time, and that makes life bearable.
Vasectomy reversal turns out to be more painful to recover from, over a longer time, than vasectomy. More on that in a separate post. It's been hard, and it hurts, and I want to cry, but I'm scared to cry. And LJ is a good place to cry, I guess.
But hey - it's important to be optimistic, and to mine the silver linings. I was able to afford this expensive surgery, and to take time off for it, and I now own the house I live in (and I pay less to the bank than I used to pay in rent). My wife doesn't just love me, she also likes me. And she is gradually loosening my ties to the guilt and shame that have trapped me for most of my life.
I'm working at a company that I chose because I kept meeting former employees of that place who were the amazing self-confident people. And I want that self-confidence, and I think that it's working. Plus, the pay is pretty good, and the conditions are far better than what I'm used to. I have a good boss, and that makes a world of difference.
I'm achieving things that I'm proud of, when I stop to think about it - although not enough for me to feel satisfied. There are so many things that I 'should' be doing. My talent is going to waste - or some such bullshit.
Perhaps I'm allowed to take a holiday, some time off to do (or not do) whatever I feel like. Even if I don't feel like I deserve one.
I had my vasectomy reversed two weeks ago. The process of getting that to happen has forced me to revisit the most painful and distressing experiences of my adult life, possibly of my entire life. My kids don't talk to me, don't seem to want to. I'm numb to it most of the time, and that makes life bearable.
Vasectomy reversal turns out to be more painful to recover from, over a longer time, than vasectomy. More on that in a separate post. It's been hard, and it hurts, and I want to cry, but I'm scared to cry. And LJ is a good place to cry, I guess.
But hey - it's important to be optimistic, and to mine the silver linings. I was able to afford this expensive surgery, and to take time off for it, and I now own the house I live in (and I pay less to the bank than I used to pay in rent). My wife doesn't just love me, she also likes me. And she is gradually loosening my ties to the guilt and shame that have trapped me for most of my life.
I'm working at a company that I chose because I kept meeting former employees of that place who were the amazing self-confident people. And I want that self-confidence, and I think that it's working. Plus, the pay is pretty good, and the conditions are far better than what I'm used to. I have a good boss, and that makes a world of difference.
I'm achieving things that I'm proud of, when I stop to think about it - although not enough for me to feel satisfied. There are so many things that I 'should' be doing. My talent is going to waste - or some such bullshit.
Perhaps I'm allowed to take a holiday, some time off to do (or not do) whatever I feel like. Even if I don't feel like I deserve one.